It’s always difficult knowing where to begin. The start would seem fitting, but then again, I’m unsure at how to go about doing so. What I mean; when exactly was the beginning? As you might have worked out, I’ve been a little lost, and I like my philosophy.

Perhaps it best to start fresh; I should chose my beginning. I suppose that would be when I first looked into a mirror and didn’t see myself any more. Over the years, there have been many times when this has happened. In reflection and looking back through my life, I’m almost certain the first time was when I was 11.

In my room there was a full length mirror, and for many years I played about with my mother’s lipsticks. I would kiss myself in the mirror. My mum knew I used her makeup but never said a word, aside from occasionally telling me to clean the mirror. Then one day, for whatever reason, I went further. I had recently started secondary school and had already begun having issues with body image. I’d become convinced that I was ugly, and seeing all the girls in their uniforms made me very jealous of what they wore and how pretty they were.

Upon getting home, I went through my mum’s stuff and borrowed items in an attempt to put together my own version of the uniform. Once I considered it complete, I found that I was very happy with what I had created. I went to my mirror, and the reflection wasn’t me. It was someone better, someone I thought was attractive. That person was eventually going to go away and consistently did so over the years.

Fast forward 20 years and I had all but left my other self behind. I’d convinced myself that I was better for it. I had grown my beard right out, and I was happy with my wife to be. All was good in life…or so it seemed. My life cruised along and the last of Charlotte’s clothes had had been let go. Then bam, out of nowhere, I was suddenly getting divorced. In hindsight, it was for the best, but at the time, I hated it. That was all it took for Charlotte to come back into my life.

That was around six months past. Recently, I had thought that I had myself all sorted out. I finally had a term that seemed to describe how I felt, “non binary” and likely “bigender.” But even with accepting this conclusion, I realised that I was now spending more and more time as Charlotte (though a large portion of this was in an androgynous form.) For all intents and purposes, I was Charlotte more than the person I had believed I was. So much so that I have started to consider transitioning, I am even more convinced now than ever before that my body issues had been and are linked to having a male body.

I still don’t exactly know where I am, even who I am, but I do know this, I’m happy.

The following two tabs change content below.

Charlotte (Charley) Wingham

I've always felt different. Ever since I was a child. It didn't take long to realise that me and masculinity were at odds from each other.

Latest posts by Charlotte (Charley) Wingham (see all)

Tags:
0 0 vote
Article Rating
Subscribe
Notify of
9 Comments
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Amy Myers
Baroness
Trusted Member
Amy Myers (@amylove2dress)
1 month ago

Charlotte, thank you for sharing those heart felt parts of your life. The divorce, though painful will perhaps be the best thing to happen to you. Though it pains me the say that, but if has helped you find your true way, it will be worth it.
Amy

Jane Don
Lady
Member
Jane Don (@janedon)
1 month ago

Ahhh yes—Societal Norms —-We are taught well Very young to be happy in life we Have do This, This & that or we cannot be Happy–If your Not toeing that line you Can’t have satisfaction in life (it’s Impossible) If your really lucky (luckier that 90% of people) like I was you may meet someone who also needs something different — & you can explore together–Alice & I spent most of our lives thinking& behaving like society expected– both of us had been divorced-had kids–she was a good church going lady–I was a macho bus man—I think we were just… Read more »

Mikey Johnson
Lady
Member
Mikey Johnson (@mikeyj)
1 month ago
Reply to  Jane Don

Wow Jane. Agree with Charlotte – very sorry for your loss. It will likely take a while to get through the pain. Time heals though, even if sometimes we wish it wouldn’t. Best to you, and take care of your self. She would want you to.

Mikey

Mikey Johnson
Lady
Member
Mikey Johnson (@mikeyj)
1 month ago

Hey Charley! Love that name! Thank you for your story. Sincerely hope the happiness continues!

Mikey

skippy1965 Cynthia
Ambassador
Trusted Member
skippy1965 Cynthia (@skippy1965)
1 month ago

Great article Charlotte! agree -it’s not where you started or even where you’ll end up; the important part is to enjoy the journey each and every day! And to be true to yourself instead of conforming to society’s restrictions.As long as you aren’t harming someone else, go for it!
Cyn

Jonni
Lady
Jonni (@jonnip)
2 hours ago

Hi, Charlotte I’d like to thank you for posting this article. I am 50 years old, and am still trying to determine my gender identity. Although I’ve cross-dressed for 30 years, it’s only within the last few years that my thoughts have really been leaning towards that of an exclusively feminine lifestyle. Whenever I see an attractive woman, my first thought is “I wish I looked like her”. The only time that I like my reflection in the mirror is when I’m dressed in women’s clothing, or thinking of myself as a woman. Since around the age of 5, I… Read more »

Last edited 2 hours ago by Jonni
9
0
Would love your thoughts, please comment.x
()
x
Subscribe To Our Newsletter

Subscribe To Our Newsletter

Join our mailing list to receive the latest news and updates from Crossdresser Heaven.

You have Successfully Subscribed!

Log in with your credentials

or    

Forgot your details?

Create Account