Solace of You
I think back to the years of my youth and my first discovery of dressing. How I can’t forget the progression of my dressing and how it changed me. At first it was a wave of excitement, a taboo, when I tried on my first piece of clothing. Then I went through a typical fetish phase that needed to be constantly fed. I didn’t really care what I wore or had in my stash. Then I started paying closer attention to how things looked, felt and fit but I still had urges. Now in my adult life I am much more focused on the look, feel, fit, style, sophistication, trends and even storage and budget. Notice how I said “wardrobe” and not “stash”? My how things have changed. To quote Eddie Izzard, “They’re not women’s clothes. They’re my clothes. I bought them.” I always hoped that I could dress however, whenever and wherever I like. I have not ventured out into public too much so I dress mostly in private. A few years back I confessed to my wife of many years (but not kids) and got at least that one big monkey off my back. She is cautiously/awkwardly supportive. It’s a constant conversation with changes levels of her acceptance of my thrill of cross dressing.
My previous typical youthful dressing routine is fading; rush to satisfy an urge, rush to get things back to normal and rush to look over my shoulder to see if you left something out or forgot to wipe off lipstick. It was rush, rush, rush. The typical thrill and enjoyment lasted briefly and then was gone, forgotten and always overshadowed by fear and guilt. Why? Where did it go? Why so quickly? When can I do it again?
This whole stay-in-place situation has been going on for about 70 days for me and I guess there may be 10 days or so left. Though it is dreadful and it can’t pass soon enough, I have surprisingly found solace in being able to work from home dressed as I like privately on my home office. My wife and kids know not to bother me between the hours of 7-12 and 1-6. I go to my home office in the morning, get dressed, and start work. At lunchtime and at the end of the workday, I change back to my guy clothes and spend time with my family. I’m OK with this.
In the initial weeks, dressing in the home office started slowly and cautiously. I would jump if I heard floorboards creak or hear voices near my room. I would have a baggy pullover hoodie and lounge pants nearby just in case. Over the following weeks my fear and anxiety waned.
I work in a design profession and have taken cues from many of my female coworkers who are very stylish both professionally and casually. Thank you ladies! If you only knew that you are my inspiration. I tend to wear stylish business casual separate skirts and blouses, heels, the occasional dress and even the occasional wig. My look changes daily depending how I feel. Hmm, ‘dressing how I feel’. What a concept. I do not typically wear makeup, maybe because it takes too long, I’m not good at it or I don’t always feel the need. There are times now that I almost forget that I am dressed in feminine attire when I work in my home office. I will look down from my computer screen after a few hours of working and see my blouse or skirt and think “Oh, wow. I almost forgot”. I shift my feet under my desk and sense my heels and think, “that feels great”. I move my arms and feel my bra against my upper arm and think, “that is so comforting”. My clothing has become an extension of me and an expression of how I feel. My femme side has brought me so much solace.
A few weeks ago, I posted a topic in the CDH Forum inquiring about what songs do you hear and inspire you about dressing. There are endless numbers of obvious and personal answers. When starting this entry, I originally titled it “New Normal” due to the stay-in-place mandates. Upon further writing and introspection, I renamed it “Solace of You” after a forgotten song of the same name from a popular ‘80’s rock/funk band called Living Colour. Their repertoire is usually driven hard rock/funk but this one always stood out as being uniquely simple, sweet and fun. The song and lyrics can apply to many things; a loved one or for me, my femme side. When I listen to the lyrics and melody it stirs up a gentle introspective look at myself. It is through the personal acceptance of my many diverse facets including my femme side that gives me solace.
Solace of You – Living Colour
When it hurts to be out there
Where no one will care
I’ve got the solace of you
Frustrated by people’s lying
But I keep on trying
I’ve got the solace of you
When I can’t think straight
And there’s no escape
I’ve got the solace of you
Gotta go inside back where it started
Back to the beginning
‘Cause that’s where my heart is
A wise man said to know thyself
‘Cause in the end there’s no one else
Just the solace of you
- Is there a particular type of music or specific musical group or single artist you like to listen to when dressed en femme while alone at home?
- Was there a time in your life when you had children at home and had to keep your thrill of cross dressing a complete secret from them by keeping all of your feminine items hidden from them? If so, how did you hide every femme item from them?
- Have you finally reached that point of total acceptance of your thrill of cross dressing and no longer have any feelings of quilt or shame associated with your cross dressing at this point in time?
Please feel free to take a few moments to respond to my article or answer one or more the questions I’ve posed to you below my article. I so look forward to hearing from you girls here at Crossdresser Heaven!
Sincerely, Jamie
Latest posts by Jamie Taal (see all)
- Solace Of You - June 21, 2020
I smiled at the bit about having baggy lounge pants and hoodie close at hand. I’ve been there too and still am! I wish I could share a bit more but stuck in home office training right now.
Yep. All too familar for so many of us. Sometimes I worry that i might get too comfortable wearing Jamie’s clothes or accessories and forget to take an item off or cover it up before coming out of my office; an earring, necklace, lip stick or toe nail polish. That why when i am working from home working I keep to just wearing basic pieces of clothes.
Yes its much easier that way.
This has been a cathartic but enjoyable experience. As my father always said, “You don’t know what you think until you read what you wrote”.
The song and lyrics can apply to many things; racial identify, a loved one or for me my femme side.
Here is a link to song/video
Is that a picture of u on the couch with the laptop ?
In my mind, yes! In reality, unfortunately no.
Thanks for sharing Jamie- this would also have made a good media review article. Accepting ourselves is always the first step in becoming comfortable with who we are.
Cyn
Thank you! This being my first article i was learning the ropes of writing, working with and editor and the overall process. I deferred to the editor to find a location on CDH. I am beginning to come to terms with self-acceptance despite my wife not being too keen on the whole situation. So, for now i am resolving things in my own mind and heart despite outside influences and see where this takes me.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts- as well as summarizing what so many of us have gone through!
I no longer have any guilt whatsoever, but my wife doesn’t approve of this, so I live with that restraint.
I too remember how I evolved in dressing, at first it was short skirts and heels and low cut blouses. Now I am older and I dress accordingly. I have alot of dresses knee length, some above of course. Also have many women’s slacks and pants, which I love so much, they really show the curves how they where supposed be shown. And with the pants, I can wear my ankle boots with 3.5 inch heels and a numerous amount of slip ons ranging from 2.5 to 4 inch. I wear them without any worry of shame whatsoever. I love… Read more »