Crossdresser Heaven > Articles > Advice and Encouragement > Crossdresser Support and Advice > Some things my Mother never thought she’d have to tell me about

Some things my Mother never thought she’d have to tell me about

Like most of us, I remember growing up and taking chances to find moments to be me. I would go into my sister’s room and wear one of her dresses, even for just a minute. Later on in life, living by myself, I had more chances to dress up. I realized I didn’t know much about clothes and makeup, what colors and styles would suit me, what sizes to buy, hair styles or color. All the things mothers helped their girls learn as they grew up into women. When I started going out, there were so many things I had to learn all by myself.  These are a few of the things I learned on my journey; I hope they can be of help to others as they embrace their own path.

I posted this list of mostly common sense tidbits on a different forum before. I had many good comments and I wanted to share them here. Most of these, I learned firsthand through personal experience (another story to share someday), and others happened to my friends and family. Hopefully, this list can help some of you avoid the mistakes that I learned the hard way!

1. Most important; you are the only one who knows all the facts about your own life so don’t let others tell you what you should or shouldn’t do. Make your own choices within your comfort level. Be happy with who you are.
2. Dressing up to stay home is a cool thing. You can wear whatever you please, makeup doesn’t need to be perfect, clothes don’t need to match, and it’s a great opportunity to experiment. If it makes you happy, great!!
3. Women come in all heights, weights, and shapes. It’s the same with us. You can look good no matter your body makeup. Don’t be afraid to try different looks.
4. Be realistic. Going out and trying to “pass” isn’t about being a glamour model…though some can pull it off; it’s more about looking like an everyday woman. I’d rather pass as a soccer mom than be called out by comments such as “That’s a hot tranny”.
5. Gaby’s Main rule for going out. There’s a big difference between being read and being recognized. Being read isn’t always a big deal. If you aren’t ready to deal with the repercussions of being recognized, then DON’T go out, at least not where you might be compromised.
6. Gaby’s second rule about going out. BE SAFE! Going to places that might put you at risk should be avoided. They might sound exciting, but if you don’t have a support group to go with, it’s better to go elsewhere. Don’t put yourself in a situation that could lead to harm.
7. Unlike dressing at home, going out is about blending in. The best way to find what works is through trial and error. Wearing the right size of clothes is key!!! The fact that you can squeeze into a size 8 dress doesn’t mean you’ll look good in a size 8 dress. It’s better to pay attention to how the clothes fit, rather than the size. This is especially true when buying tops and bottoms, usually different sizes for most of us.
8. About makeup. You need to find the right light to check your makeup. What may look good under fluorescent light may look like… well, not good in the sunlight.
9. Don’t be afraid to try different colors and clothing styles. The dress you envy in a catalog looks great on the model, but might look dreadful on you.
10. Most anybody can do a “glamour” look. The glam look isn’t normal for going out to most places. Take the time to practice with a more natural look. It also makes it less likely you’ll be read.
11. Always carry your real ID with you. If flying, don’t try to use a fake id, the same if you are stopped by police when driving.
12. Most stores will be ok with you shopping there as a woman, even if they read you. One thing to do to avoid a potential problem… when selecting things to try on, ask the clerk “Where can I try this on?” She may lead you to a more private dressing room. If you take the clothes and head to the main dressing room, and the women read you, it might make for unwanted trouble. Be upfront.
13. On using the ladies room. Act lady-like. Remember most women wash their hands before leaving the ladies room. Many times, you’ll find a line of women. Take a notebook, agenda, or something else to read, write on, etc. so you’ll look busy. The women will be less likely to talk to you (if you want to avoid small talk or lack confidence at first). A crowded restroom isn’t a good place to re-apply your makeup. If you are read, be quick to leave if you are asked and avoid making a scene. It’s not because she has the right to kick you out, but sometimes the wiser decision is to avoid the hassle.
14. High heels are nice. It takes lots of stamina to stand all day in them, especially if you aren’t used to doing it. Try keeping another pair of flats nearby, just in case.
15. In the long run, passing is better than not passing, though it sometimes feels anti-climactic. How can you really be sure you weren’t read and actually passed? (It’s not always easy to tell)
16. The chances of being read increases greatly by the number of CD’s in a group. The more there are, the more likely you might get read. Not that it’s bad being read, just be aware of it.
17. Do your best not to become a caricature of a woman. Avoid falsettos! Don’t overdo the hip-sway, etc.
18. Unless you are lucky to be “blessed” with wider (woman-like) hips, use some padding… really. Many women would love to have “boyish” hips, but in a CD, it increases the chances of being read. It’s better to keep a proportioned figure… (hips and shoulders should be balanced, waist should be roughly 2/3 the size of the hips)
19. Even if you have a credit card in your femme name, always carry some cash with you. Be sure to carry your male card with your name and another appropriate ID in case you are asked when you use your femme card.
20. A good “Rule of thumb” on how to dress for the occasion. Take note of what other women wear to similar outings. You don’t often see women dressed fancily at the mall. There is a cool trick if you want to dress up. Wear a small badge/plaque with your femme name on your lapel and people may think you work at one of the stores at the mall.

These are only a few of the things to be aware of and considered. I’ll share more in another post.

 

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The clothes I wear do not define who I am. I am the same person regardless if I present as a man in jeans and a plaid shirt or as a woman in a gorgeous gown. That may have been the most important moment in my self awareness. I don’t have a girl side or a guy side competing in one body. When I get to present as a woman I’m being myself as much as I am myself in my every day life. Being able to realize that I don't have to separate my personality in a "Feminine side" and a "masculine side", but that every aspect in me should be integrated into a well balanced persona was very liberating. Currently I have very limited chances to dress, but I can live with that. Part of the reason why I don’t obsess about it may be because it is easier to live with the memories of all of the things I have been able to do an not having to wonder “how would it be...” Ok I'm just adding this. Anybody who knows me knows that this is something that bothers me... Why? Oh Why?! If this site is supposed to be a safe heaven for all of us, where we can be ourselves and be accepted, why are there so many people posting photographs which are clearly not of themselves, or are highly doctored (photoshopped), or adding stories in the forums which are likely not true. Why? It beats me. I just can't understand. Now adding more... personally, dislike two things rather common in cd realted places. The utilization of “gurls” or saying “ladies” or “girls” in quotation marks. The other one and this in general not only here... People talking about thenselves in third person. Argh!!
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Janine
Lady
Member

Great tips Gabriela I have been out dressed en.femme many times and I tried to do just about everything you mentioned. I’m proud to say that by living by your rules I’ve managed to get by without being read. I consider your rules that you have written about using the ladies room the most important one of all Its so true that when I have to use the ladies room I use it as quickly as possible and don’t linger at the sinks after I’m through washing my hands and touching up my lipstick and makeup. One more thing that… Read more »

Lorrie Kaye
Lady
Member

Wonderful advice… thanks and love to you, Gabby!

Victoria Egger
Lady

Thank you,
that was very helpful. Very sound information.
Vicke E

Jasmine Fletcher
Baroness
Member

Thank you so much for sharing this invaluable advice Gabriela. I am slowly starting to venture outdoors so I will take heed.
*hugs* Jasmine

*skippy1965(Cynthia)
Ambassador
Active Member

Wonderful article, Gabriela! Your tips will help many have happier and more successful outings!
Cyn

Stephanie Kimberlie Prince
Duchess

Very nice !

Leonara
Ambassador
Member

Gabriela, such a well written article. Especially coming from your personal experiences Thank you for sharing… Personally this article is very timely as I am ready to step out of the closet as Leonara… Please follow up your article with more personal experiences…. On behalf of the other ladies here who on the fence about “steppin out” thank you…

Nicole
Lady

Hi Gabriela. Thank you so much for the great article. I tried on my mother’s lingerie and clothes when I was younger. I’m sure she knew about it, but never brought it up or scolded me or made me feel bad about it. I think she was letting me express myself and I am grateful she was and is such a grat Mom. I too have had to learn how to dress up Nicole by trial and error. I have several beautiful dresses and heels that are just too small. You summarize some great advice for going out. I have… Read more »

Mandy Cross
Lady

Hey Gabi, thanks for this article, I take your point 18 to heart. Unfortunately I have quite slim hips so I think I may need to look up some suitable padding to get a better figure. Mx

Michelle
Lady

Someday… Maybe…. Step by Step….

Thank you

PY Marshall
Duchess

Hi young lady,that article is just so!so ! accurate and i felt i was re-living the years . My cross dressing to my knowledge started when i was about 21/22 newly married, our first house and a little baby girl.Why and what was happening to me ,serious panic and paranoid thoughts started to fill my head.I was the only person in the world like this ! a freek of nature.Please let me move forward a few decades .when i told my wife something in my head was wrong she told her mum ,who said just leave him. today we now… Read more »

Paula1
Lady
Member

thank you for this As I am still only dressing at home and dream of the day that I can go out I will take on all of this advise, It will make my trip out much easier X

Robin Sheboske
Guest
Robin Sheboske

Thank you for sharing your wisdom. I have only ventured out on short little trips, mostly staying in my vehicle. I haven’t worked up to a shopping trip yet. There is way too much work for me to do before that is even a possibility. The information and experiences that you and others share are the reason that I joined CDH!

Lucinda Hawkns
Lady
Member

this is well put, thanks for sharing. yes it takes allot to learn about what to wear and color eye shadow, passing as a female is a tough thing to do, practice and practice on make up, if you have a figure of a female and know you can pass as one go out doors, but not in your area where you will be noticed that’s for sure. i have a figure of a woman 110 lbs thin and when dressed up i look passable, but have to use more make up like cover up and foundation, for the voice… Read more »

Morgan Staar
Lady

A great article…I printed it out and keep in my notebook when I need encouragement..I am a big advocate of not dressing as a glamor girl..not ready for people to take that much notice of me that they start to study me..As for using restrooms…I always try to use the family restrooms that are designed for inviduals, mom’s with kids and those who need privacy..Still havent had the Ladies room adventure yet..

thanks again for sharing your wisdom and experience
Mo

Lea
Lady
Member

Thanks for putting together this list. You’re so right, in some ways we are like daughters growing up without that maternal figure or without female friends, which forces us to have to learn everything on our own, and alone, and missteps.

Your list shows growing, experiencing, learning, and building confidence! And then sharing and mentoring, like having that sister or BFF so many of us wish we could be open enough to have. Thank you so much!

Jennifer Love
Lady

Wonderful piece, it is all so true. I like to study women I think look good, from their make up to what type shoes they are waring. As long as you are discrete and don’t ogle them, it will be fine. I pick up a lot of ideas that way on how to dress. I saw a women wearing the most pretty top yesterday, it was white lace and had cloak like sheer sleeves. I would love to know where she got it, I would love to have one. Thanks again.

Nancy Gamms
Duchess
Member

Great list. Number 15 is very true. Also 20, being in heels and an above the knee skirt at Home Depot stands out a bit.

Hanna
Lady
Member

Gaby,
Thanks for posting this. Looks like many others have appreciated it as well.
Lots to remember.

hanna

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