Sometimes She Screams

While she may have been there before, the first time I heard Cyn was when I was 11 years old. As a boy approaching puberty, my thoughts were turning to girls as often happens. But in the midst of those thoughts about dating a girl at school, I heard a small voice whisper-“what would it be like to BE her instead?” That thought bounced around my brain until it coalesced into a desire to see what I would look like. So I went to my sisters’ closet and put on one of the dresses..and then the unthinkable happened-my dad walked in on me! Fortunately, he didn’t yell at me or hurt me. Instead, he told me to change my clothes and come talk to him. He told me that lots of boys are curious and that there was nothing wrong with that. Then he asked a question that brought me up short-“Do you want to BE a girl? Cause you know they can do that now.” The small voice shouted “say yes!” but the boy wasn’t sure, so he stayed quiet. My dad said, “ok, then stay out of your sisters’ things and we don’t need to tell them about this.” And I heard a small sob in my head, and then a silent scream.

But the silence didn’t last. I heard the voice whispering again and took opportunities to dress in secret-but this time I only wore things from the boxes of old clothes in the attic. I spent countless hours reading all about transvestism and transsexualism. There was no internet back then in the late 1970s and early 1980s, so my only resources were libraries. (For you young folks, that’s a place where you can read books for free in person!) So after reading everything I could find, I was no closer to figuring out where I fit on the gender identity spectrum. I didn’t date in high school and college because I didn’t know how I would tell someone about the feminine side of me. So I kept dressing when the opportunity arose until one day one of the waitresses who worked for me asked me out and after a few months, we knew we would get married.

I didn’t tell her about my dressing because I was CERTAIN that the desire and need to dress would go away now that I actually had a woman in my life. But of course, I already HAD a woman in my life even if I didn’t fully realize it.  Cyn was a part of me and didn’t go away just because I now had a wife. (Interestingly enough, on our honeymoon as we visited her parents’ house, my new bride jokingly put a bra on me in her parents’ kitchen and snapped a photo and though I laughed, it was like an alarm clock chimed inside my head!) The still, small voice whispered again and I once again “borrowed” clothes –this time from my wife, until a year later, the voice said, “I want some things of my own”. So I went to a shoe store and bought some heels, to a drugstore for some makeup and to a costume place where I bought a cheap woman’s wig. And that was my undoing, for my wife found the packaging and confronted me. I confessed to my need to dress and express my feminine side, and she almost left me but stayed after much pleading and my promise to stop. Again I heard a silent voice scream “NOOO!”

Unleash Your Inner Woman

Despite the best of intentions, the girl inside would not be denied, so the dressing resumed as did several cycles of being caught, apologizing and promises to stop..promises that were sincere but alas destined to be broken. Finally, after a dozen more years (and other stresses and strains on the marriage including the death of my father), my wife said “Enough” and filed for divorce. After some initial contentiousness, the separation was amicably completed and I moved to my elderly mother’s home where I could save money and at the same time be there to give her companionship in her later years. The voice became louder and because I no longer had a spouse to object, I began to buy more things for the girl inside me. While still not being open about my dressing, I began doing it more and more often in my bedroom and underneath my work clothes. I told my mom and one sister about this part of me and also my now teenage kids. All were tolerant though none really wanted to see any of it.

So Cyn’s wardrobe continued to grow and I let my hair grow out some and occasionally shaved my legs during the winter months. And then the darkest time of my life happened in 2011-12. I wrote about those times in my Counseling article here on CDH, but to summarize, death and near death hit my family hard-losing my mom, two brothers, an ex-brother-in-law, and nearly losing my son, my daughter and my ex. I started seeing a counselor who helped me get through that period and also helped me to explore my gender dysphoric feelings. In 2015 I found CDH and the inner voice started growing louder. She began to “speak” to others-first on CDH and later to my remaining family and a few close friends. Her voice grew confident and clear, and she began to insist on getting chances to be out and about in the world and be seen. In doing so, it became clear that she was a much larger part of me than I had ever previously realized.

So now we come to today-and where my future path lies. I know I can never again banish Cyn to the recesses of my mind. Whether that means a full transition in the future or just the chance to express and live a life more freely displaying herself when she wants to, that voice will not be silenced again. I don’t know where my destination lies but I’m gonna enjoy the Amazing Journey! Like the mythical Tommy in the rock opera by the Who, the soft whisper is becoming a scream-“I’m free And freedom tastes of reality”!

Cyn

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*skippy1965(Cynthia)

The Original Cyn, or OC for short. Cynthia is from Richmond Virginia, she crossdresses every day (lucky gal!) and has a knack for tracking down niggling technical issues so we can fix them. She is also on a journey of self-examination to figure out where her feminine journey will lead her, and is always willing to talk with others about their feelings and questions or her own.

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  1. Brooke Stevens 2 weeks ago

    Wow, I can see myself writing such an article one day. My journey has been long and arduous, but I am finally coming into my own.

  2. gloria mundi 4 months ago

    Your story hit home on so many levels. Thank you for your insights and kindness in sharing. CDH is getting to be an incredibly important source of caring and support. Hope you will share your perspectives often in the future

  3. Ambermaria Martinez 5 months ago

    HI Cynthiana what an amazing story I always knew that I should have been born female. Even my mother knew I always felt femmine. When I came out first time fully dressed in her clothes she was so happy to finally meet the girl I love so so much. Always on weekends she let me dress and how femmine and happy I was

  4. rebekka moore 5 months ago

    Hi Cyn,

    I really like your article, and it all sounds pretty familiar. That little voice never goes away. It may fade at times, that’s when we say “no more” and even purge everything we worked so hard to get and hide. I’m beyond purging (I believe) and am at a stage where I am “openly dressing”, again repeating a term I’ve used before, “hybrid dressing” on weekends, where I’ll wear panties and womens jeans. This weekend however I’ve been out in womens capri length jeans. It’s been exhilarating and a little stressful at the same time. First I decided Friday evening I was wearing my capris, put them on when I got home from work and I don’t know if my wife noticed they were/are women’s or not, but she did not say anything.

    Saturday and today (Sunday) I’m wearing another pair I recently bought, and there is no hiding they are women’s capris, but they feel sooooo gooooood! Again, she has not said anything and we were out shopping et al, and I was apprehensive a more than once, watching out for anyone we may know and run into.

    I don’t know where my journey will end, we’ll see I’m sure, but as time goes on I just can’t deny the wonderful, comfortable and satisfying feeling of freedom I’m experiencing just through my hybrid routine. I’m careful, cautious and waiting for someone to say something. It’s bound to happen and I hope I can handle that situation when it arises.

    Stay Strong, Ladies!

    Rebekka

  5. Patricia Marie Allen 5 months ago

    Hi Cyn,

    Reading your article, I see that many times you chose to keep silent about who you were. Been there, done that, got the T-shirt. I wrote a five part article titled “Silence is Golden.” https://www.crossdresserheaven.com/silence-is-golden/ where I chronicle the times where I felt the need to be silent. It’s quite autobiographical. It starts when I first discovered my feminine side and leaves off (as opposed to ending) a few years ago when I decided that I was me and if anyone had a problem with me it was their problem, yet making concessions for my wife, who, thankfully weathered the storm of finding out her husband wasn’t the bastion of robust masculinity she thought she married.

    I could identify with you on all points, even the father who didn’t come unglued when he discovered my penchant for wearing girl’s clothes.

  6. Melissa 5 months ago

    Wow! Cynthia, actually my sister name is Cynthia too,
    I think everyone of us can be identified with your story, in this life everybody makes mistakes that in one point our life can be changes but sometimes the circumstances of the life put our situation in different ways that later on we reliaze that is too late and we would like to put our clock back and change our decisions, today some of us we married and have kids and is so hard to be free and would like let free our femele side we have inside but we cannot do it without hurt our family bceause our wife loves us as the man they knew when get married and our kids look in us the father, the man who drive the ship.
    But never is late to be happy and enjoy this life because life is only one, just we have to apologize our families for this female desires we have inside us and nobody faults about why we felling this desires.
    Well Cyn I HOPE TODAY YOUR ENJOY YOUR LIFE AS THE WAY YOU ALWAYS WANT TO BE,
    sincerely,
    Melissa

  7. Jaime Luscious 5 months ago

    Thank you for sharing Cyn. What an amazing, difficult yet touching journey you have been on, which certainly chimes with my own experience and I am sure many other ladies on CDH. Jaime x

  8. Charlene Victoria 5 months ago

    Cyn, “. I know I can never again banish Cyn to the recesses of my mind. Whether that means a full transition in the future or just the chance to express and live a life more freely displaying herself when she wants to, that voice will not be silenced again. ”
    Change “Cyn” to Charrie and I get the uncanny feeling you have been exploring my mind.
    Or is this simply a common element that we as trans women have to face and work through before we can “be” with confidence, certainty, and freedom.
    Thank you for helping us face ourselves at this point in our journey.

  9. Samantha G..... 5 months ago

    Thank you for sharing Cyn. What a lovely man your father was for the way he handled catching you. Seems most would just beat the tar& feathers out of their kid for that.

    I’m glad to be your friend wherever the road may take us.

    Hugs,
    Samantha

  10. Carrie Lynn 5 months ago

    Cyn, what a great look into your psyche! Looking at your time in the in-law’s kitchen, thinking about that, how crazy is it that you can think it (dressing) is under control and BOOM, out of the woodwork comes a trigger. Sometimes for me it works the other way, too. I have been out at a mall as Carrie having lunch and shopping with friends and all of a sudden thinking, “I am ready to go back to boy-mode.” I excused myself, went home, took off nail polish and makeup and told my wife that Carrie was gone for a while.

    I just hope you are happy and able to love and accept yourself for who you are. That is a great gift!
    Carrie

  11. Rozalyne Richards 5 months ago

    Hi cyn what a happy ending to a life in turmoil, a voice in the dark for so long screaming to be let out, i think that most of us have been through the same process starting dressing before pubity and thinking we are not ‘normal’ but it is normal to us, so we get the urge and then we purge then we get the urge again then we purge again and so it goes on, then when we reach our 20’s we get married thinking it will ‘cure’ us it does for awhile but then we still get the urge stronger than ever, then we either hide it or we get caught sometime we are happy getting caught so we can bring it out in the open and hope to be accepted for what we are which is people who are transgender or c/dressers, growing up i thought i was the only one who liked wearing female clothes so i hid it back in the 1960’s we didn’t have the Internet so couldn’t find that there are more of us than we thought and that it’s quite normal to feel the way we do, apart from that i thank you for your story it’s been very uplifting and i hope to read many more stories about your life x hugs Rozalyne x

  12. Naomi 5 months ago

    Hi Cyn, xoxoxo a story that rings with reality for me xoxoxo thank you for sharing xoxoxo

  13. Wendy 5 months ago

    I might not be convinced by the name Wendy, my wife gave it to me, but I am all girl now…It’s just who I am….and I love this me so much…a happier me, a more content me, a me on HRT… The best thing I ever did, apart from my kid…

    I can’t and won’t go back to being the male me, I just couldn’t bare it at all…

  14. Wendy 5 months ago

    From Quadrophenia – Can you see the real me, can ya, can ya?!….

    Brilliantly written and heartfelt article… Thank you so much for sharing… Hugs and love

    Wendy

  15. Awwww Cyn. I know your story, and yet there is always something new that I learn. I am so glad to call you my friend.

    Hugs,
    April

  16. Amanda Patrick 5 months ago

    Hi Cyn,

    I can relate some to your Story. For myself Amanda showed up around age 10. Of course I had no Idea She would be a strong part of me in my later years. She would come and go occasionally over years. when I was busy with Family and other things. Of course when that voice was in my head I usually tried to Supress it. But after retiring 3 years ago. She came back with a vengeance and now refuses to be denied most days. I can certainly relate to losing family members. I lost A brother a number of years ago to a violent death. and a sister to Cancer. plus my mom to heart disease. The road through life can certainly seem tough at times. But we are strong and Solider on. I read your counselling article and WOW ! you have been through The ringer of life. Like your self I am not sure where my journey will wind up . I have times when I think I need to dress everyday. And then For some reason The dynamic changes and I feel the need to be in male mode. But I find when I go back to Amanda again The feelings seem stronger than ever. So as you say enjoy the journey.

    Amanda

  17. Cynthia……..absolutely great article….thank you for sharing that with us. Yes, life is a learning process and can be very very hard on ones psyche. Death of loved ones is never easy but “the circle of life” is a natural one to all creatures of the universe. It cannot be changed. You have weathered the storms and chaos. You have come out of it older, wiser, scarred and bruised, mentally scarred too but then that is our destiny. It makes us appreciate what others go thru. It is a few steps on the path to enlightenment.
    I give you my deepest sympathies for all of your losses, yet they live on in your mind and soul. They are never really very far from you. Cynthia….all of us girls are here with you….you are not alone.

    Respectively…….

    Dame Veronica

  18. Skyla Marie 5 months ago

    Cyn, I can relate to your story. I did the exact something when I was a kid. I used to get my sister’s clothes (bra, panties, shorts, shirts and dresses). I went as far as I kept a bra and panties. I would sleep with them on. Until one day both my parents caught me and told me to stop. I remember those days. I enjoyed wearing them. I remember hearing the same voice like you heard and her name is Skyla. I even remember writing my true name down. I finally realized that I’m just about a few years ago that I’m starting to become Skyla and that is who I really am.

  19. Laura Lemaire 5 months ago

    Laura has said goodbye and hello at least five times. Now she is here, I think, for a very long time maybe forever … I wish. That’s something normal. At the begining we think about what’s happen inside me? At the end we accept it and we learn to live with and enjoing it

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