A couple months ago a friend and college committed suicide by shotgun in his garage. As a Life Coach I found myself in the midst of supporting those left behind with the tangled web of trying to understand this choice.

Having attempted suicide more than once in the past and suffering under a cocaine induced existence for over a decade this dark night of the mind was not unfamiliar to me.

Though each of us has our own “reasons” for reaching this mental state of having hopeless, helpless feelings the result is the same. Suffering, suffering and more suffering.

Stepping Out Secrets

I have learned that there is another choice we can make when we become aware of the dark night creeping into our mind.

I began choosing thoughts that simply helped me “feel better” and here is what has happened over the past several months for me; I Am experiencing successes that I found hard to even imagine previously.

As a Life Coach I recall a poem by Aldous Huxley; (Mind is the power that molds and makes)…

I began using a formula I created for the Coaching classes and group work. (Affirmations + Emotions + Repetition = Change)

I began thinking and saying “I Am so happy and grateful now that I am completely surrounded by people who accept and support me exactly as I am; I am grateful!” I repeated this affirmation while feeling a deep sense of gratitude many times a day for months and then it happened; the outer shift.

I currently live in a very small rural farm town; I mean real red necks, welders, hard working and what I call “industrial grade” men who sport greasy hands, coveralls and a dirty ball cap 24/7. Not exactly an environment conducive to a cross dresser, or so I “thought”.

For the sixteen years of living here I have hidden behind tightly closed drapes and locked doors. The shame and fear of exposing my desire to cross-dress was far to great to open the door.

As I repeated the formula above I found myself mustering the courage to step out side my home fully yet scantly dressed. Now I don’t believe in doing things half way, you have to be committed!! So there I was cutting my lawn with the push mower, head down, wearing a two piece aqua blue bikini and pretty sandals I looked up to notice a cluster of about eight people across the twenty feet from my property line. I was so filled with fear that I became almost rigid;it was difficult to get my legs to keep moving forward but I did. It was the first time I was outside my home dressed!! Those people purchased the land next to me, moved in and knocked on my door. They have a grand child who is dealing with gender issues and they had many questions. Short version, we have become like family with one another in very short order.

Jump forward in time to Pride Parade 2016. I proudly and confidently strutted in the parade sporting a cute outfit complete with prosthetic breasts, make up and knee high leather boots with a dear friend.

Jump forward to August 2016; my wonderful wife finally arrived from Philippines. Leading up to her arrival after a three year and seven month wait with immigration, I again  found myself entertaining fearful thinking; will she be able to accept Charee’? Will I still have the love and support of this very hetero lady once Charee’ is fully exposed? I mean she had seen many pictures but until August we had not actually “lived together” full time other than the few trips to PI that I had made, in male mode only. After a few weeks of conversation and repeating this little affirmation out loud when I was alone and in my mind when I was near others I am pleased to write this article and share it with you in support of your adventure.

When we change our inner dialogue we automatically change our outer experience!

  • Today, I sat with my Darling on my knee as we shopped together online on Fashion Mia for our new Christmas gift outfits for one another.
  • Today I am openly walking freely down the main street of our little town fully dressed.
  • Today I am feeling deep gratitude for the many people of the little town I live in,  who have recently knocked on my (door)  asking me to submit my documents to become a candidate for the position of Mayor of our town!\
  • Today I am grateful for each of you! Who, share, explain, support and accept every other person on this site.

Over the course of the past few years I have shifted my mind from Suicide to Sanction; from fearful and shame based thinking, to intentionally choosing thoughts of being surrounded by love, acceptance and support.

With the inner shift of belief taking place I have witnessed the outer experience also shift dramatically! From the dark night of the mind with hopeless, helpless feelings, to the place of walking proudly down main street with my head held high, running for mayor of our town, (I will keep you posted!) enjoying new neighbours who fully accept and support me and the gift of having wife to share the journey with who paints my nails, shops with me for cute girly outfits and simply loves me unconditionally.

What I can tell you is this; when you shift the deep seated beliefs and self-talk from those of fear to those of love, you automatically set in motion a chain of events you may not be able to even imagine yet.

It was Albert Einstein who said, “Imagination is the preview of life’s coming events” and girlfriends, I can tell you with certainty, that this is truth! Imagine your perfect life, repeat this little affirmation with big emotions and believe that it is possible for you and you will witness changes in your life that will blow your mind in a good way!

I wish for everyone of you who find your way here to CDH, the unlimited ability and desire to become the grandest version of the greatest vision you have ever held for yourself. I’m practising…

Namaste’

Charee’

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16 Comments
  1. JaneS 3 years ago

    Charee’ thank you for an outstanding article. The message you send is both heartening and encouraging. People can change their lives and the future can be better than many might imagine right now.

    Just under ten years ago I could not imagine the acceptance, love and the inner peace I now have. Back then those dark thoughts were all I could imagine but I too decided that I needed to change; being honest with and accepting myself was the first step.

    Thank you again for sharing such a powerful message of hope. I look forward to hearing more from you.

    • Author
      Char 3 years ago

      Thank you so much Jane. It’s been a really rough road at times and my wish, is that as each of finds even one tiny thing that improves our inner state and outer experience, that those pieces can be shared for the greater good as well as our own..
      I believe Everything is possible now…
      Thanks for being you dear soul

      Namaste’
      n huggles
      Charee’

    • Author
      Char 2 years ago

      Awe Thank you Jane, my apologies for a long delay in response, life has been busy out here lol I am currently setting up a membership site for putting positive affirmation products into the world hehehe.
      Thank you for you replay and yes, I am working on the next a=edition very soon Jane, thank you.
      Namaste’
      Char

  2. MacKenzie Alexandra 3 years ago

    Chareé,
    Thanx for sharing your story. Your experiences are an inspiration to all of us.

    MacKenze

    • Author
      Char 3 years ago

      Thank you Mackenzie, I love that name 🙂
      I am truly grateful to be a supportive inspiration and even more grateful to have been inspired time and time again myself through the articles written here…What a great community we are building!!
      Thank you for being a part of it …
      See you in chat when I can dear

      Namaste’
      n huggles
      Charee’

  3. Amanda Patrick 3 years ago

    Hi Charee,

    Great article. We can always imagine the worst things happening. But when we work to change that the results can be amazing. once we get past that fear. I try to flow with my thoughts with mediation and using I am grateful is another one I can do. your story is inspiring. thank you so much.

    Amanda Patrick

    • Author
      Char 3 years ago

      Hi Amanda, thank you for your reply Dear; It’s the strangest thing but it IS true. What we focus the majority of our thoughts and feelings on is what we draw to us like a magnet.
      The more I focused on what wasn’t good in my life the more of that I experienced over n over again. Then friend read my journal one day and say “omg this is so negative Char, why not write about what IS working for a while”
      I did, I do and the results have blown my mind…
      Everything is possible!!
      The limits we see are created by our own mind and if we practise pushing through the fears that bind, we rise like the albatross and fly with grace and gratitude…
      I Am grateful for you Amanda, Thanks for being you dear

      Namaste’
      n huggles
      Charee’

      • Amanda Patrick 3 years ago

        Hi Charee,

        Thank you for your reply back. It is not always easy for sure. but determination and commitment and getting back on the horse after a bad day shows your not giving up the fight. when I do my mediation some times I think is this really working? and then I handle a situation differently than I would of in the past. I seem to see things more clear and able to let go of things a little faster than before. I used this mindful flow of thought’s my first time out dressed. I just let all the fear flow through me and believe me their was a lot of Fear. but I kept on walking toward this Lgbqt bar where I knew I would be welcome and it was a good evening I plan to return very soon and looking forward to it. am I nervous?( yes) But nothing worth while that helps us grow in confidence ever seems easy for anybody.

        Hugs,

        Amanda Patrick

  4. Charee,
    WOW is all I Can say. What an awesome inspiring article! IT gives me hope that when figure out where my life is heading that I can have a happy life no matter where that path leads. You are an amazing woman and one who will go far in life!.

    Luv,
    Cyn

    • Author
      Char 3 years ago

      Awe Thank you Cyn, now you see, you have just inspired me!!!
      I love you for that!!

      Namaste’
      n huggles my Dear
      see you in chat hehehe

      Charee’

  5. Pinkie 3 years ago

    Thank you for an inspirational article I still fight the dark side in my life and I know one day I will win and be free to really enjoy life again.

    • Author
      Char 3 years ago

      Thank you for your post Pinkie, I can say with all genuine heart…Imagine it..The life you want, the freedom, the peace..just imagine it and feel, as best you can, that feeling of gratitude for having total acceptance and support of people around you okay.
      It’s not “I’ll believe it when I see it but rather, we see it when we believe it” Promise Darlin.
      I AM, sooo excited about the future and that we all ahve this awesome place to support one another especialy during those dark nights of the mind hehehe

      See you in chat and know that you are perfect just as you are Pinkie, always…

      Namaste’
      n huggles
      Charee’

  6. Anita Watkins 3 years ago

    Charee,

    Thank you for the wonderful message. Contemplating a change that would affect all my relationships and risk the loss of acceptance by people who are important to me is daunting. I’m not yet sure that I have the commitment to do it. But I like your attitude and your courage is a huge support for me. You reminded me that change often leads to new opportunities to be a caring person and that maybe we can get to the point to see a person for who they are in spite of their gender preference.

    • Author
      Char 3 years ago

      Hi Anita, thank you for your reply dear; yes, it can be very daunting for sure as we all know and have experienced.
      It’s a funny thing that when we “act” afraid and shameful, then people treat us as such, but what blew my mind was that when I practised “acting” confident, (fake it til ya make it) all of a sudden, others began to see and treat me that way too.
      We really do teach people how to treat us.
      We become what we imagine ourselves to be…

      That’s cool !!
      Today, imagine everyone supporting you and encouraging you to simply be who you are, dressed how you feel comfortable and pretend to be the strong confident soul you are until you become that..
      That’s what I have been, and still am, practising hehehe

      Until we chat dear soul
      Namaste’
      n huggles
      Charee’

  7. Sallysim 3 years ago

    Great Story Charee, thanks very inspiring xxx

  8. Author
    Char 3 years ago

    Thank you so much for your support Sallysim 🙂
    Namaste’
    n huggles
    Charree’

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