A couple months ago a friend and college committed suicide by shotgun in his garage. As a Life Coach I found myself in the midst of supporting those left behind with the tangled web of trying to understand this choice.
Having attempted suicide more than once in the past and suffering under a cocaine induced existence for over a decade this dark night of the mind was not unfamiliar to me.
Though each of us has our own “reasons” for reaching this mental state of having hopeless, helpless feelings the result is the same. Suffering, suffering and more suffering.
I have learned that there is another choice we can make when we become aware of the dark night creeping into our mind.
I began choosing thoughts that simply helped me “feel better” and here is what has happened over the past several months for me; I Am experiencing successes that I found hard to even imagine previously.
As a Life Coach I recall a poem by Aldous Huxley; (Mind is the power that molds and makes)…
I began using a formula I created for the Coaching classes and group work. (Affirmations + Emotions + Repetition = Change)
I began thinking and saying “I Am so happy and grateful now that I am completely surrounded by people who accept and support me exactly as I am; I am grateful!” I repeated this affirmation while feeling a deep sense of gratitude many times a day for months and then it happened; the outer shift.
I currently live in a very small rural farm town; I mean real red necks, welders, hard working and what I call “industrial grade” men who sport greasy hands, coveralls and a dirty ball cap 24/7. Not exactly an environment conducive to a cross dresser, or so I “thought”.
For the sixteen years of living here I have hidden behind tightly closed drapes and locked doors. The shame and fear of exposing my desire to cross-dress was far to great to open the door.
As I repeated the formula above I found myself mustering the courage to step out side my home fully yet scantly dressed. Now I don’t believe in doing things half way, you have to be committed!! So there I was cutting my lawn with the push mower, head down, wearing a two piece aqua blue bikini and pretty sandals I looked up to notice a cluster of about eight people across the twenty feet from my property line. I was so filled with fear that I became almost rigid;it was difficult to get my legs to keep moving forward but I did. It was the first time I was outside my home dressed!! Those people purchased the land next to me, moved in and knocked on my door. They have a grand child who is dealing with gender issues and they had many questions. Short version, we have become like family with one another in very short order.
Jump forward in time to Pride Parade 2016. I proudly and confidently strutted in the parade sporting a cute outfit complete with prosthetic breasts, make up and knee high leather boots with a dear friend.
Jump forward to August 2016; my wonderful wife finally arrived from Philippines. Leading up to her arrival after a three year and seven month wait with immigration, I again found myself entertaining fearful thinking; will she be able to accept Charee’? Will I still have the love and support of this very hetero lady once Charee’ is fully exposed? I mean she had seen many pictures but until August we had not actually “lived together” full time other than the few trips to PI that I had made, in male mode only. After a few weeks of conversation and repeating this little affirmation out loud when I was alone and in my mind when I was near others I am pleased to write this article and share it with you in support of your adventure.
When we change our inner dialogue we automatically change our outer experience!
- Today, I sat with my Darling on my knee as we shopped together online on Fashion Mia for our new Christmas gift outfits for one another.
- Today I am openly walking freely down the main street of our little town fully dressed.
- Today I am feeling deep gratitude for the many people of the little town I live in, who have recently knocked on my (door) asking me to submit my documents to become a candidate for the position of Mayor of our town!\
- Today I am grateful for each of you! Who, share, explain, support and accept every other person on this site.
Over the course of the past few years I have shifted my mind from Suicide to Sanction; from fearful and shame based thinking, to intentionally choosing thoughts of being surrounded by love, acceptance and support.
With the inner shift of belief taking place I have witnessed the outer experience also shift dramatically! From the dark night of the mind with hopeless, helpless feelings, to the place of walking proudly down main street with my head held high, running for mayor of our town, (I will keep you posted!) enjoying new neighbours who fully accept and support me and the gift of having wife to share the journey with who paints my nails, shops with me for cute girly outfits and simply loves me unconditionally.
What I can tell you is this; when you shift the deep seated beliefs and self-talk from those of fear to those of love, you automatically set in motion a chain of events you may not be able to even imagine yet.
It was Albert Einstein who said, “Imagination is the preview of life’s coming events” and girlfriends, I can tell you with certainty, that this is truth! Imagine your perfect life, repeat this little affirmation with big emotions and believe that it is possible for you and you will witness changes in your life that will blow your mind in a good way!
I wish for everyone of you who find your way here to CDH, the unlimited ability and desire to become the grandest version of the greatest vision you have ever held for yourself. I’m practising…