When you look back on life changing decisions you can always point to the moment it tipped. Before that moment there was discussion, thoughtful contemplation and perhaps even some emotional bargaining. After that moment the path forward becomes clear. You’ve decided. You’ve cut yourself off from any other alternatives – you’re going to see it through for better or for worse.
Today was one of those moments for me. After many years of contemplation, investigation and thorough reading of more than a few wonderful resources on the Internet (such as tsroadmap) I’ve finally decided to take the plunge and go for transgender therapy. My aim is to validate that transitioning is the right thing for me, and to find a partner who will assist me on the next step of the journey – hormone replacement therapy.
As I’m writing this I’ve just completed my first session of therapy. I must admit that it felt good to share myself so completely with someone else. While I’ve been blessed with a loving spouse and tremendous friends, it’s a different feeling talking to a therapist. Not only is a therapist open, objective and non-judgmental, they also have many years or decades of experience working with people – asking the right questions, helping you to talk through and untangle feelings and thoughts.
I must admit though, the hardest part was decided how I should present myself to the therapist. On the one hand I could go as a man and spend the hour awkwardly unbottling my true self – slowly sifting my soul through the traitorous layer of my male facade. On the other hand I could go as a woman, and risk shock from the therapist and perhaps reinforce my preconceived notion of the end result. I finally decided that compromise was a good compromise, and aimed for a feminine leaning androgynous presentation. One where I have set aside my masculine mask, yet not quite fully decorated my feminine soul.
I ended up choosing a feminine pair of blue boot cut jeans, a low heeled pair of brown ankle boots and a green cami under a long sleeved collared shirt. Just enough to feel comfortable sharing my true self. After an hour with my therapist she welcomed my request to come as a woman to the next session. One dilemma solved.
While my therapist has experience working with people with gender identity issues, she isn’t able to recommend hormones herself. Though I’m quite pleased that she offered to find someone who can make the recommendation, perhaps it’s for the best that I’m not so relentlessly focused on getting hormones for the first few sessions. This will make it easier for me to explore my true feelings without worrying that saying the wrong thing could hinder my journey to womanhood.
I look forward to the path I now travel. I pray that I am able to enjoy each step I take, and relish the experience as much as the lofty ideal I carry in my heart – to live who I am with passion every moment of my life.
More Articles by The Author
- A Few Changes in Our Family
- I Want to Live Like That
- Hope in Despair, Light through the Darkness
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Latest posts by Vanessa Law (see all)
- A Few Changes in Our Family - April 15, 2021
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