When you look back on life changing decisions you can always point to the moment it tipped. Before that moment there was discussion, thoughtful contemplation and perhaps even some emotional bargaining. After that moment the path forward becomes clear. You’ve decided. You’ve cut yourself off from any other alternatives – you’re going to see it through for better or for worse.
Today was one of those moments for me. After many years of contemplation, investigation and thorough reading of more than a few wonderful resources on the Internet (such as tsroadmap) I’ve finally decided to take the plunge and go for transgender therapy. My aim is to validate that transitioning is the right thing for me, and to find a partner who will assist me on the next step of the journey – hormone replacement therapy.
As I’m writing this I’ve just completed my first session of therapy. I must admit that it felt good to share myself so completely with someone else. While I’ve been blessed with a loving spouse and tremendous friends, it’s a different feeling talking to a therapist. Not only is a therapist open, objective and non-judgmental, they also have many years or decades of experience working with people – asking the right questions, helping you to talk through and untangle feelings and thoughts.
I must admit though, the hardest part was decided how I should present myself to the therapist. On the one hand I could go as a man and spend the hour awkwardly unbottling my true self – slowly sifting my soul through the traitorous layer of my male facade. On the other hand I could go as a woman, and risk shock from the therapist and perhaps reinforce my preconceived notion of the end result. I finally decided that compromise was a good compromise, and aimed for a feminine leaning androgynous presentation. One where I have set aside my masculine mask, yet not quite fully decorated my feminine soul.
I ended up choosing a feminine pair of blue boot cut jeans, a low heeled pair of brown ankle boots and a green cami under a long sleeved collared shirt. Just enough to feel comfortable sharing my true self. After an hour with my therapist she welcomed my request to come as a woman to the next session. One dilemma solved.
While my therapist has experience working with people with gender identity issues, she isn’t able to recommend hormones herself. Though I’m quite pleased that she offered to find someone who can make the recommendation, perhaps it’s for the best that I’m not so relentlessly focused on getting hormones for the first few sessions. This will make it easier for me to explore my true feelings without worrying that saying the wrong thing could hinder my journey to womanhood.
I look forward to the path I now travel. I pray that I am able to enjoy each step I take, and relish the experience as much as the lofty ideal I carry in my heart – to live who I am with passion every moment of my life.
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Vanessa Law
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Well, I wish you the best of luck in your path. Myself, I was chomping at the bit to get on HRT as quickly as possible and I do have to say that it was right for me. I really do hope that you won’t vilify those of us who have decided that therapy isn’t necessary for our transition and we decide to go for the more somatic points of our transitions.
Thanks Jessica!
i just resontaly got married about 4 moths ago and i just told my wife that i have a fenemum side and i like to dress in girls cloths. i am not gay i just think i am diff. my wife wears guy’s cloths and girls clothes. she is ok with how i am, my mom knows and she is ok with it to. I just baught a pair of heals today and they look really good on me. i am a 27 year old and my wife is 31.
Sounds like a very positive step, and well thought out by you.
I have to say I am waiting for my first appointment with the gender clinic in Amsterdam and I am terrified of where it may lead…
Stace
I am partial to Jessica Sideway’s comments. I do think seeking
a gender counselor is a good idea, tho. Maybe even explore
HRT, altho you can pull out early if you don’t want to go
further. Just take your time. But seek foremost spiritual
growth. Then all else will fall into place. Don’t forget:
It’s the journey, not the end point that counts. Perhaps
there is no end point.
Dear Vanessa, This is a big, impactful decision. I know you that you have not come to it lightly, and so I expect good outcomes for you now that the decision is made. I echo Catherine’s comment – you are not committed to the destination, you are committed to the journey. There are off ramps and u-turn out there, so don’t let a glittering horizon distract you from the best place, the best outcome for you. I am expecting to learn much from your journey here and so look forward to following your news. Much happiness wished your way .… Read more »
Vanessa, of all people that take this step that I have ever known, I have the most confidence in you. Because of all people, I feel that you have truly thought it through. Good luck in it, and may God guide your every step! {hug}
Thanks for all the support ladies! Too true that as I embark on this journey to womanhood (Woman, 197 miles) there are many small towns and rest stops along the way.
I’ll be sure to share my travels. Blessings.
Hi Van: I see you are on the way. Thats good at least to see a counselor and get professional opinion. I was diagnosed transgendered 20 years ago, but job situations would not have had me employable, dealing with those who I was dealing with. Now that im retired, Im back with the same counselor, and back on the hormones. never felt better. hard to describe. Van your in for a suprise!! No its NOT boobies! Youll find out! But I can honestly say Ive never been happier. been living as a woman for a year now, that Ive retired,… Read more »
Vanessa,
Best of luck to you!! I also made that decision, got my letter of recommend, but was turned down for HRT last week… I am getting better, but the loss of the dream has been hard.
I wish you all the best!
May God bless you! Lauri
Sorry to hear Lauri, I guess sometimes obstacles are put in front of us to strengthen our resolve.
Hugs,
Vanessa
Lauri, dont give up hope. You can get great results with low hormone doses, and may be able to get your family doctor to prescribe them for you. Your body can only grow so fast, so dont rush things. Go do it. Making excuses, will get you nowhere, now you go see the doctor, and good luck. Carol
Hi Vanessa
This is Darlene, a former member of Tri-ess Evergreen. I am so happy for you and I wish you all the best in your new journey. You are one of the kindest persons I have ever known.
Hugs,
Darlene
Thanks Darlene – good to hear from you hon! I was wondering where folks had ended up. Thank you so much for the kind words. Please send me an email (vanessalaw@crossdresserheaven.com) so we can catch up, I'd love to hear what you're up to these days.
Hugs,
Vanessa
Quote from the article
"My aim is to validate that transitioning is the right thing for me"
Can a gender or sex therapist really help with this?
And how many visits? The nearest to me is so far away i really lack the ability to go there very frequently.
Right now im 19 and I would really like to validate that it is right for me so that way I am done with my transitioning before Im 25!
That's a good question love. I think that the only person who really knows is you, but that the therapist will help guide you to discover the answer within you. Some people are able to get a pretty good sense by themselves, but I think all of us can use help from someone who can point out things to try, or things to think about that we may have missed. And now in my old person voice – you're still young dear. I know how hard it is to take it slowly, but even at 25 you'll have your whole… Read more »
Thank you, ya im thinking im missing some stuff in my thought process, Ive already tried a psychologist. He was nice but he wasnt really to helpful, he kinda was all gun-ho for it. I really was hoping for some help of just weighing and balancing things to see if it was right for me.
I found one highly recomended in Sarasota but its a 2-3hour drive so it ll be hard to get out with out mom and dad getting suspicous.
So thanks again, I will definatley get in contact with that psychologist now. Thanks!
You're welcome – and good luck!