I have no doubt that this will be a controversial article (and opinion) on Crossdresser Heaven.  (I do so look forward to reading the comments.)

The common wisdom in our community is that a crossdresser who is in a marriage or serious relationship with a genetic woman is best off finding a way to tell her the truth.

 “Honesty is the best policy.”

 “It’s only fair.”  “Somehow or other, you are going to eventually get caught anyway.”  “Even if she is not supportive, generally she will be tolerant as long as you ‘keep it private, even from me.’”

And I agree with that common wisdom, I do, but only as long as you have not already married the woman.

But I don’t agree that you should tell your wife. And the reason I don’t agree is just as controversial. It requires the reader to be honest with himself.  (I use the male pronoun here advisedly, because it is his male version that is endangered in the relationship.)

Here’s the most controversial part: that risk is to something we deny, sometimes even to ourselves, something that is nevertheless vitally important; it is the place of relative power in what I call Presumed Authority within various aspects of a relationship.

There are two reasons I feel this way about “telling your wife.”  The second reason derives from the first.

The second reason is anecdotal from many decades in this community: I’ve seen and read about so many, too many marriages devastated (immediately or eventually) by said revelation. Often, the pain accompanying that devastation is nearly unbearable.  Conversely, I know of many crossdressers, even crossdressers who are out and about in our community, who have successfully kept their secrets from their own families for decades. They might have been happier having been able to share their secret lives with those they love, but they decided that the risk was too high. They dealt with things as they felt they must.

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As for the first, the prime, reason: I think it comes out of an obvious truth about all human relationships, even loving marriages.

Underlying all human relationships is a social contract. Although it is a contract with terms that are always open to renegotiation, the terms of the contract usually remain stable for many years.  Partners understand the terms. Everybody abides by the rules. Relationships stay happy.

The sad, inevitable truth about that contract is the great importance of the clauses that have to do with relative power: for example, the complex clause in that contract called: Presumed Authority. (On this list of topics, my opinion carries more weight; on that list yours does.)

So, what happens when a crossdresser lets the genie out of the bottle?

First of all, of course, once released, you can never, ever get that genie back into that bottle.

And with the revelation, the crossdresser has irrevocably changed the contract rules and especially the rules about relative power. Principally, he has given his wife an immense power token that is immediately regretted at having been handed over, a power token of great value, even when unspoken.

Certainly, the marriage can be saved if the crossdresser simply and fully accepts the rewritten terms of the contract. Generally, that means ceding power and authority in the relationship to the genetic woman.

But that doesn’t happen. Try as he may, he just can’t do it. (Again, I use the male pronoun here advisedly.)  The crossdresser can’t accept the rewritten terms of the relationship. The crossdresser resents what he has lost.

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Inevitably, there comes a time when the wife uses or threatens to use her new power token. The crossdresser gets very angry. The relationship is mortally wounded.

From then on, it’s a painful downward spiral.

The reason the situation is different before marriage is obvious.  The revelation is already assimilated into the social contract before the marriage contract is made. 

In short, it’s not so much about the relationship itself; it’s about the consequences of the sudden, irrevocable change in the rules of the relationship.

In short, before or after marriage, don’t tell until you’ve thought long and hard, until you are sure you are being totally honest with yourself about your willingness to accept the new terms … forever.

More Articles by Cheryl Ann (Cassie) Sanders

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Marianne Ferrara
Member
Active Member
1 year ago

It is (and has always been) a very hard subject. And you touch critical points: The established relationship “contract” between two persons with all the assumptions of their assumed personas. Changing one of the personas, irrevocably changes the terms of that contract and there is no way back, as you say. I would want to just talk about the power concept. It doesn’t become power until later in their conversations. It is the re-assessment of the person in front of you. Granted, it, in fact, is the same person (both have always been exactly that way) but a new variable… Read more »

Sophie Frenchie
Managing Editor
Active Member
1 year ago

I applaud your well written article and its content, a very well observed account. Both enlightening for those who are in a relationship or marriage and to those who aren’t.
I hope to see more of your articles.

Sophie Frenchie
Managing Editor
Active Member
1 year ago

Cheryl, I’ve been married twice and had a long third relationship. If I ever get involved with anyone again they have no choice but to know who and what I am sweeheart xxx

Tiff Any
Member
Tiff Any
1 year ago

Beautiful article , indeed rewriting the boundaries can be hard , compromise , communication , gender therapy all played a part in helping . We’ve successfully achieved our balance , but it was a rollercoaster ride for a year , now 3 yrs on we’re happier than ever. I get my feminine expression every day & my wife doesn’t have to see me fully makeover – I do that at a professional CD studio 4 times a year. We both gave up things in order to help the other , but we don’t resent the other for what we gave… Read more »

Falecia McGuire
Active Member
1 year ago

Cassie,
Your insight indicates experience and compassion. While I believe it virtually impossible to achieve genuine symbiosis between the CD and his wife, I’m convinced that the “before marriage” timing is the best chance. If the CD thing could be on the table at the onset, the subjugation that substitutes for compromise, could be avoided. If she chose a crossdresser, maybe she could accept his feminine needs without jealousy or resentment. Even a willing wife who learned it after marriage could lose her resolve if he gets really pretty!
FAM

Alicia C
Active Member
1 year ago

While I see the point, a few counter points. You should be up front when you meet. With my prev SO I told her on second date I was bi ( but I wasn’t CDing at the time but later did ) because she seemed to sense it and asked. We had a semi open relationship where I could get what I needed on a dont ask don’t tell most of the time basis. I suppose if I made a mistake it was when she asked if she could put me in makeup and I chickened out while screaming inside… Read more »

Stephanie Kennedy
Princess
Active Member
1 year ago

Hi Cheryl Ann I do enjoy reading your Articles.I can see they come from a real place. Most of what you have written I do agree with. if i may add a little thought to the part breaking the contract, We do break the contract. I think in so many cases The SO feels we have introduced another person to the marriage. Some one she does not know and is a little apprehensive to say the least about accepting this new person. We do have to renegotiate the contract if we are asking her to accept this part of us… Read more »

Stephanie Kennedy
Princess
Active Member
1 year ago

Hi Cheryl Ann You get it also Thank you for your writings I truly enjoy your perspective. I feel so much comfort when i read others have similar thoughts Luv Stephanie

Elaine
Duchess
Member
1 year ago

Good article. Thanks for sharing and in hindsight I can say you are right. I should have told her while she was my girlfriend and not after she became my my wife.

And – I bought one of your books. Looking forward to the read.

Kristielynn Rosales
1 year ago

Many times I would just throw everything in the trash and two days later my lady asks me what happened in the closet I threw everything away. Why did you do that..because of your feelings about me dressing up in lingerie and stuff .. I liked when you got all dressed up and let yourself be free I wasn’t mad I was jealous of all the sexy clothes that you had

Kristielynn Rosales
1 year ago

Thank You u know how much I hated to do that.. so lady what are u into? Me I love bieng all feminine. I would really like to find a lady like you to play with be my. Girlfriend and have a girls night and dress up n go out or stay at home

Kristielynn Rosales
1 year ago

You never know when you have a chance to get to do the things that you desire

Kristielynn Rosales
1 year ago

That’s true it’s a gamble but if you eliminate the other half that is the way your gamble is all in your favor.. I only had one serious walk in it was my boss I was laying on my bed dressed up in blue lace bustier matching thong n stockings n having fun I open my eyes and he is standing there naked and said ur wife told me bout you I was frozen then I reacted by putting my hand on his cock n started to slowly stroke it then my mouth took over… employee boss relationship changed

Kristielynn Rosales
1 year ago

My boss was my ladys ex

Lea
Active Member
1 year ago

I truly smiled and chuckled at this truthful article. Truly, marriage is a contract and renegotiating the terms is never an easy or safe prospect. I would agree too that it’s far easier to risk losing a girlfriend (just find another one lol) than to risk losing a wife (and the kids, the house, and half your lifes earnings). I really loved your article. It does bring up some other interesting points about contracts between 2 unequal parties. Say, for instance, you marry a woman with beautiful long hair, who spends time on her image, wears sexy heels, and is… Read more »

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