That Brick Wall

Have you ever experienced a time during your crossdressing where you just stop? If you are like me I usually can’t wait to get home from work and open that closet and pick out some pretty things to wear. The past few days I have arrived home, gone to the closet, and felt nothing. I slowly closed the door, and kept my male clothes on, and got really depressed. Why? I don’t know. Two days went by, still the same result. Did Jesse leave? Did she abandon her life and move on? This has happened only twice in the 17 years I have been crossdressing. I began to get scared that  the thrill, the feeling, the female inside me was dying.  The more I mulled it over, the worse I felt. I guess the point I’m trying to make is I think sometimes you go as far as you can go in your personal life with your Fem side, and then you hit That Brick Wall as I have. I have all the pretty things I need to dress, have been out in public several times, SO… what’s next?

I guess I will have to wait for that answer. Life has it’s ups and downs, and I guess this just one of those hurdles I must jump over.  Thank goodness Jesse has returned in my heart for now, and we will continue the journey.


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Jesse Nicole(Smokey)

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  1. Sylvia Schmidt 2 years ago

    Jesse, thank you for that very honest account. As others have said, feelings come and go. What I’m still trying to learn is that I am Sylvia, regardless of whether I feel Sylvia or the need to express herself at a moment. Your description and the many replies underscore my conclusion that I am not just dealing with a fetish or an acquired habit, but with something that is real within me.
    Wishing you well,
    with a hug and a quick peck on your cheek,

  2. Sylvia 3 years ago

    Isn’t it perfectly normal to loose the feeling of excitement when dressing up? I asked myself that question when I experienced it myself. The further I go with my crossdressing the more ‘normal’ it becomes. I can hardly imagine that a girl is filled with excitement every day when she puts her clothes on to go to work. It’s just part of everyday routine. Now that I go out in public more and more it becomes more and more normal to me. I guess once you’ve reached the point that your crossdressing no longer restricts you in what your doing you actually arrived at a point where it’s no longer special but became normal. Just like every women we will still feel excitement when we dress up for a party or special event at which we can celebrate our femininity. But when you’ve reached the point that putting your clothes on for a ordinary day of work or doing groceries is just as exciting as it sounds, well, congratulations, you’ve become a women!

  3. Amanda Patrick 3 years ago

    Hi Jesse

    This definitely ebbs & flows I will under dress for a couple of weeks swearing to at least keep under dressing. I have purchased things for my self in stores and enjoyed dressing time in private and then suddenly out of no where my mood changes about it all and I stop for awhile even though I have plenty of time and opportunity to dress. Jane S is right when she says moods effect every thing in our lives but one thing is for sure those desires will return usually stronger than the last time .don’t worry it wont be gone for long I can feel mine wanted to be satisfied again already.


  4. Lyta 3 years ago

    I hit that darned wall again a couple of months ago and currently I am very depressed and frustrated. For almost a year before I was seriously stretching my comfort zone, telling two people, mixing in parts of Lyta in my daily appearance… And then, suddenly, it all just felt awkward, being “different” all the time was taking its toll, I stopped it all just needing to be “normal” again. I hope I will get out of this low again, like you all say we do — but right now it feels kind of hopeless.

  5. Ashleigh 3 years ago

    Thanks for sharing and for your honesty. I have also come to those “brick walls” with Ashleigh. I learned long ago not to purge, as this too shall pass. The apathetic feeling has always gone away. During those times I have always felt Ashleigh’s presence, even if not as strong. She is a part of me as much as her male counterpart is.
    We allow society to determine right from wrong when it comes to clothes, and as such we experience feelings of guilt that can hamper what is supposed to be, and is, a fun experience.

  6. facily 3 years ago

    i like this site very much i hope i have sweet things from your site every day

  7. Monika Sweet 3 years ago

    You are not hitting a wall about being a woman… But you have been doing something so much as a routine that you have lost the excitement of it.

    I went thru this once when my wife was gone for a month. I would come back home every evening and doll myself up with the clothes and dressed that I did not use for long time or the new ones. After 14-15 days, I exhausted all the available options… Then wearing the same look again was less rewarding (law of diminishing returns)… So, one day when I was all dressed up and felt very comfy, I needed to go down to buy some items. Without realizing that I am dressed up, I just grabbed the key and my wallet and went out. Only when I entered the elevator and I saw a reflection of myself in the mirror, I realized that WTF… I am still dressed and there were people in the elevator… I was flush and confused and nervous not knowing what to do.. But the elevator reached the ground floor and I was out in open in daylight. So I just went ahead and picked up the stuff quickly that I wanted to buy and came back home panting… When I got my nerve back, I realized what have I just done.

    The whole episode was so thrilling and exciting that it immediately gave me a motivation to dress up and walk around a bit instead of just lying on couch and watch TV.

    Sweetie, it’s the new things, those small changes that you may need to bring in to keep your motivation to be the woman. Just pick up the laptop, turn on the webcam and talk to people… You will long for the those moments gain the next day you are in the office.

    • Jillian Simpson 3 years ago

      Monika I love that story. One morning I was working out in yoga pants and sports bra and I head the doorbell ring. I was the only one at home so without thinking I run out of the gym in my basement and answer the door and it was the UPS delivery man. He just smiled and had me sign for the package. As I shut the door, I realized what had just happened and felt like I was going to faint. I just sat there wondering what he was thinking as he made more deliveries that day.

  8. Renee Elysse Stuart 3 years ago

    Thanks for sharing, Jesse. I’ve gone through long periods of suppressing the desire to dress. Recently a light turned on in my head and I decided embracing my feminine side was important to me and so now I’m getting to more fully know who Renee is. I’ve been underdressing every day, so when I get private time (I’m not yet out to my wife, but hope to be), I don’t always feel the need to get fully dressed up. Being part of the community on CDH allows me to live as Renee whether I’m fully dressed or not. I hope I never feel the need to purge again — as has been pointed out that would be a waste. I’ve come to realize Renee is a permanent part of my life, going deeper than what clothes I’m wearing (although I DO love to dress up as Renee 🙂 ). I’m sure Jesse is part of you all the time, too. Thanks again for your story. Hugs, Renee

  9. Sallysim 3 years ago

    Great article Jesse, it has happened to me before now , but the woman inside me always returns. She is now stronger than ever , she now has a name a character and a real presence. People talk of Sally as a real person, which of course she is and she is winning the battle to be totally accepted and loved.
    She is a big part of my life and I love her dearly. I couldn’t be without her now. Don’t worry what your feeling many of us have gone through. It will pass I promise you and you will be stronger than ever.
    Love and hugs

  10. JaneS 3 years ago

    Like anything else in our lives, moods effect everything we do. As Samantha says, just don’t purge when the mood is low, simply put the stuff away when you can find it when the wheel turns.

    The last time I felt the urge to purge it was my wife who talked me out of it. “You know the feeling won’t go away so it’d just be a waste.” Damn, she’s smart.

  11. Samantha G..... 3 years ago

    Jesse, great article. Like others have said we all go through periods of time feeling like that.
    I’ve had many times through the years that I just didn’t feel like dressing.
    But somehow just knowing the boxes of girl stuff were still in the closet made me
    feel ok. I knew she could return when the mood hit me again.
    That’s why I would urge others to think twice about purging your femme items
    when you hit one of these times that you just don’t feel like it.

  12. Rosaliy Lynne 3 years ago

    good article Jesse and a lot of good comments. In my earlier years when I was still trying to be the male/father/husband i was supposed to be, I had very long periods of time when I did not dress. Although I tried my wife’s clothes on, I was always afraid of losing the things important to me. Wife, friends, etc. In the end I lost them all anyway but there were long times when I did not feel the need to be dressed.

    It is interesting to note that in times of increased stress, dressing was my safety valve as it were. Today I live as this woman and am happily balanced. My transition stops short of surgery but that is fine. I am all the woman I need to be and that is good.

    You will have ups and downs throughout life. You are who you are regardless of how you present. When you realize that, the ups and downs won’t seem so bad.

    Good luck

  13. Ginger Brianna Grant 3 years ago

    Great article, has familiarity

  14. *skippy1965(Cynthia) 3 years ago

    I know how you feel-there were many times in my married life when I felt that way an even since then , the desires to dress and express Cynthia do ebb and flow-or perhaps more so in my case the STRENGTH of the desire waxes and wanes. At my age it never seems to go away and in general has increased to the point where I feel distress if I CAN’T dress everyday. I of course at this point am questioning whether the dressing is the end of m journey or merely a stop along the way to becoming fully female! I never use to think I would want t actually be female 00% of the te time an for the rest of my life but now the needle (which had previously been at ZERO on 0-100 scale of desire/need to transition where ZERO is NO desire and 100 is imperative transition) has risen to I’d guess about 35-45%. At this point before I can go further I HAVE To try getting out into the world as Cynthia and interacting to see if I Feel comfortable with being seen as a transwoman or woman. I have gotten lot of positive feed back so far but the proof is in the pudding so to speak! This year should tell me a lot as I am going to the SCC conference this fall where I will spend a great deal of time dressed around a lot of other people! I am both terrified and exhilarated at the thought of that! Keep it up JEsse-thee desires will likely wax strong again!


  15. Abbie Simons 3 years ago

    Jesse there are opposite sin all things in life highs and lows, easy and tough and then rough and smooth. Whatever this is you can get through it hun.

  16. Miss Jenny (MJ) 3 years ago

    Jesse know just how you feel Girl, been that way wit me for more than 47 years.
    Off and on, get lots of girl things and then I cross dress for a few weeks and just
    stop feeling Scared, embarrassed. And then I get rid of all my girls things. A
    Few mouths go bye and I have the need to cross Dress and start all over. but last
    year I got so Sick I almost Died, from that time on I have just wanted to bring out
    more and more of Miss Jenny. I feel so much better as jenny and keep working
    more and more each day to just get her right. Jesse take your time and jus be
    your self that’s all any of us can ask for. Hugs and Kisses Jesse MJ.

  17. Stephanie Q 3 years ago

    We all hit plateaus in life, cross dressing is no exception! Wonderful article Jesse!

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