They say with age comes wisdom. It also brings a confluence of memories and wishes. For those of us who see the world as being more than male and female it typically brings more heartache and unanswered questions. I know that I’m part of the new 40 having just turned 60, but as I look at my friends and classmates from high school on Facebook, I see less wisdom and more age. That’s not meant as a knock on them. You know, “Once a… still a…”
What would they all say if I suddenly replaced my male cover photo with one of Brina’s? I can imagine, as I’m sure most of you can also, and to those of you who have actually done it, I’d love to hear what happened. We have a safety net here at CDH where we can choose how much of ourselves (true or otherwise) to reveal to others. Is this the real world or is it Facebook? Yeah, I know, a huge debate that could go either way. Which one tells more truth? More lies? Which one gives us an accurate picture of the “Real World or Real me?”
Has my ship sailed as I become an older crossdresser who has transgender feelings but no idea of what it all means? I worry that my ship to pursue other options might be leaving port without me. My right leg has sciatica in it, (makes walking in those beautiful and dangerous stilettos more difficult and comical) and my body doesn’t want to give me any hope or help in staying fit and healthy. I can honestly say that some days I think about packing it in (not me; all the tapestries that are Brina.) That’s easily overcome and more of a mere prick at my insides as I buy the dress or wig that has caught my eye. No, Brina isn’t ever going into hiding again. Still, I feel like I’m running for the dock and trying to catch my ship before it sails away. And what if I miss it?
Isn’t that the imperative question we ask ourselves, not just in my case wondering if there is a future where I leave my maleness behind for good, but in the way we all watch time race by. Summers pass so quickly now, and birthdays stack up that I sometimes recite the wrong age. That is exactly the wrong perception to have. Believe that time is lost and thus it shall be. Now that I’m 60, I see death as a shadow that stands at a corner watching me consider whether I can generate enough burst of speed to safely cross the busy street without being plowed into by a charging truck. I do, as long as my knee doesn’t give out.
Maybe, I’m just trying to catch the wrong boat. I’m not really interested in the Party Cruise ship, or the fancy yacht, not even a speed boat. My style is more of a canoe down a leisurely river or across a calm lake while taking in the scenery along the way. It doesn’t matter how fast I get there or in the fanciest way, but instead in the peace (much needed) that the journey can offer. That feeling has no time limits placed on it. I won’t lie and say that I don’t wish that what I know now wouldn’t have been great to know 40 years ago. That was a different time, and I’m not sure I would have listened anyway. If I don’t take the time to enjoy the journey what’s the point in going?
This lifestyle is a burden and it’s also a blessing. In my younger days, I saw only the burdens—that’s where I wish I had today’s understanding of things. I still carry the burden, but I recognize and embrace the blessings. I like the kinder me, the more forgiving me, the more understanding and accepting me. None of which would have been there had it not been for the burdens. In a world that preaches diversity but propagates difference and superiority through all avenues, we find ourselves one of the larger targets. The world fears our voices and our visibility. We have allies and enemies, sometimes in the same person as heart and mind are conflicted and societal norms are hard to escape. CDH and TGH are one example of where real change is taking place.
There is a worldwide culture war taking place. Ageless indoctrination is being challenged and if successful, the world will face the biggest upheaval imaginable. A true sense of inclusion means ditching all the labels for the sake of one: human. At the moment, neither side really wants that. Depressed groups have a louder voice when they can claim injustice and demand that others see and acknowledge, as well as accept their label. Those in charge don’t want to undo the existing hierarchy for the betterment of all when they will lose some of their power.
My life matters, my opinions, my pursuit of becoming me (to what end that might be), my role on this site, my words, my treatment of others, my openness to change, and understanding that which I don’t know, matters. I only have to open my eyes and see that there isn’t one ship docked and waiting for me, but an infinite number just offshore waiting to take its place. I hold a ticket that will allow me to board whichever one I choose. Until I do, I will be sure to enjoy the hustle and bustle on the pier, watching the gulls flying in the air, smelling the salt water, feeling the spray of the water, and hearing the sounds of life all around me. Oh, and I will make sure to only cross with the walk sign at the crosswalk and keep my attention on that truck in case it runs the red light.
Until next time….
Brina
Nicely written, Brina. This was a joy to read. You are very talented and express your feelings with such powerful insight.
Thank you, Marie 🙂
Gosh Sabrina, so well put but life is a process that only stops in the end. I am 62 and just starting to really accept my trans side, this beautiful side of myself that I cherish. I am just trying to enjoy my feminine journey with no end point in mind, but loving the process of the transition wherever it ends.
Yes, I agree. It all starts with being open and accepting instead of ignoring and fighting. after all, this is who we are. Thanks for your comments!
Hi..I feel the same I’m 69 let’s chat
I love evocative writing like this Brina and I thank you for the comfort your article offers as I am the same age and have many similar quesions.
Thanks for the compliments, Janet 🙂
I always enjoy your sincere and well written articles. Your empathy and compassion for all who travel this feminine journey is totally appreciated. I can relate to so much of what you write about. Where on the wheel of femininity do each of us fall? For me it’s probably crossdressing is a way of accessing my trans conscienceness. I can also relate to your travails as a tall girl who has the same issues finding the cute shoes I long for in size 13. Such are the burdens all of us traveling this journey must bear. Peace and love Jill.
Thank you for the comments and the kind compliments, much appreciated! To make it worse…I have narrow feet and size 13 shoes with narrow widths are even harder to find. My right foot is also slightly more than a 1/2 size larger. It’s the 13 and the left a 12. Closed-toe shoes have to be 13, wherewith sandals I can get by with a 12. I’ve gone back to my hippie days as I really like the really high platform sandals now. Surprisingly, I found them on Amazon…had to go through many, many pages to find them.
Thanks again 🙂
I was able to find a couple of pairs of Blowfish sandals on Long Tall Sally in size 13. They have a great selection of clothes made for tall girls. A lot of their clothing is expensive but I’m always on the lookout for sale items.
Hi there
Beautifully written and heartfelt exploration of your perspectives gained with “maturity." Thanks for sharing your thoughts and experiences!
I can relate to much of what you describe. As I “mature," I trust I will keep exploring and engaging others, and finding new ways (at least for me) to connect and give back. Good experiences and gifts can be found on many ships, shorelines…and the occasional clearance rack!
Thank you, too, Rochelle for the kind words and for finding ways to give back. Giving back is what I try to do with my writing, hopefully, it is both helpful and worth a smile to those who read it.
Hi Boss! I just love the way you have a special talent for vividly painting both a mental and visual picture with words. No wonder you’re turning out books girlfriend! You’re the best, Brina, and it’s been a real joy both working for you and with you and I know you always have my back and come to me with some great advice. You are wise beyond your years and we will always make a great team together in the article section here at CDH!
XOXOXO Scarlett
Brina, Every time the guilt hits and the purge follows – this ship has sailed comes to mind. I buckle down, say its just something I can control and it isn’t really me. I go through guilt, loathing, counseling sometimes, and mainly silence. Thank you. My feelings matter, and I matter. To live in shame and fear of being found out I am hoping will stop. Slightly younger but starting to realize that my ship has not sailed, I am the captain of it.
Not once in my life did the purge ever help, instead, I wish that I had so much of it back. The worst was all the pictures that I had…wiped away forever with the push of a button. I know why, and for a time it seemed to work, but….we all know it doesn’t last because we are fighting ourselves and the perceptions that society has put on us. I still have days when I want to box it all up and I use those times to rid myself of the items that don’t fit (because I still need to… Read more »
What a lovely photo and article Brina! I hope we all find our best path to happiness! It certainly is a challenge figuring out which way that is before we go down a particular route. I’ve found it comforting knowing that so many others are bravely making their own decisions at the same time though.
Thanks for the compliments, Abbie. Love the name and the movie! One of the site’s strongest features is our similarities. As others are an inspiration to us we are also someone else’s inspiration.
Oh my I feel those words Brina…thanks so much for writing this.
You are welcome 🙂 We sometimes don’t realize the positives of our lives because we can’t or are expected to see things in only one way. This is who I am and I’m ok with it. I have a long way to go, but at least I’m willing to walk along the pier now.