I’ve been dying to dress all week. Decided on a body shave earlier at home, it was overdue. Felt so clean and crisp after, like I’d just been born. Packed up my nice blue lacy bra and cheeky panties, skinny jeans, a few tops, makeup and flats rounded out my bag.
Finished my last class a few hours ago. Came to a secluded part of campus… I love this place … 6 floors up from a busy street, open area about 100 feet long. 10 foot floor to ceiling windows all the way down and comfy chairs.
I changed in the little girls room … off with the male clothes. Slid on my bra and panties … oh, the infusion! Softness … peace … tranquility, a calm energy …. s e r e n i t y … is charging me up. On went the skinny jeans and a strappy cami top. Did some quick make up. Nothing special – concealer, foundation & a dark wine colored lipstick. Fitting for a subdue Friday night.
OMG I felt sooo girly even with that. Love how my products are scented, just adds to the whole experience. My heart skipped a beat …. heard voices outside! …. the door opens … eek
Was just a regular girl. She did her thing, checked herself in the mirror then left. We didn’t exchange words but I could tell she was chill in my far-from-passing presence. Whew … first time for everything, glad it went well.
Sitting now, at a table writing this. There’s no one here. I’m by myself but not alone … its dark outside. My reflection beckons me in the glass. I like what I see, I like how I feel. A feminine energy emanates from my pores. Pedestrians and cars below are blissfully unaware a little piece of Kristy is radiating to them. I am connected … connected to the world from my safe place. It’s a public space here. Anyone could suddenly come in … though I feel the balance of being exposed to the world, yet at a safe distance.
As I move my shoulders, my bra straps kiss their tops gently. The blue lace still hugs my chest with tenderness. My next thought …. I want to learn the craft of makeup. Becoming a sort of artist, or perhaps a sculptor. One who sees life buried in the stone and merely chisels to set it free.
Freedom was always the prize here … whether I realized it or not. Now I’m free from guilt. Free from shame. Free from purges. Free … to be Me. The recent past had me wrestling with thoughts of having a femme name. Was this an alter ego? Another person? A split personality? …
I stare blankly at the sidewalk below. What’s just occurred to me … is, I have dual citizenship. Dual citizenship to the world. I can engage life on my default male credentials, or … in time be able to relate and participate on the ‘passport’ of Kristy. They are both me, contained in a single person. Moments pass …
I wonder then … how a coin must feel, left on a table indefinitely. Only a single side shows, the other side banished until its keeper returns.
Perhaps the keeper and I have had more in common than I realize. On the other hand, I’m glad to have learned I am indeed a keeper. A keeper instead of a tyrant to that part of myself I had understood so poorly … Thankfully, that’s in the past.
Soon also this Friday night will pass. It’s time to set aside my thinking cap and relax….
Here’s to all of our futures: they are bright if we choose them to be.
~KTags: accepting yourself discovering my identity progress