The other part of the Confidence Trick is that confidence isn’t a ‘real’ thing. It’s the absence of something else, fear. Some might say that each one of the events I have described in this series has ‘built up my confidence.’ I prefer to think of it as practising facing my fears. Each event is an opportunity to identify, face, and push through fear. And the more you face your fears the easier each new situation becomes. And not just your crossdressing fears but all of them.
Imagine you have a vessel inside of you, call it a cup, a bucket, whatever. Now imagine that your fears are liquid. Each fear fills the cup a little. Some more than others. What happens when you cup is so full it overflows? Now you are filling with fear, drowning from the inside and not able to think clearly about anything. While you are in this state you can’t make good decisions and you can’t think about any solutions to your problems. When life is uncertain it causes more fear and now you
are completely filled and ruled by fear.
At this point give yourself whatever break you can. Make your life as easy as possible and conquer any fears you can. Start with the small and work your way up. Not just with dressing up, probably best to not start there. I found as I worked through my depression that these small wins will eventually add up to major breakthroughs. After what I had been through, and I realise that a lot of people have it worse than me, it took two and a half years to reduce my fear volume to one that fits in my ‘cup’.
Admittedly I realise I’m extremely lucky. I have not had one bad experience while dressed as Natalie. It has to do with the area I live in. I’m in an area surrounded by hippies, artists, musicians and all sorts of bohemian types. It also to do with the people in my life.
As I started to pull up out of my depression I realised I had to let some people go. I didn’t kick them out of my life, I just stopped putting in as much effort as I used to. A lot of people I thought I was close too just disappeared.
Now I have just a handful of friends and family, but they are all quality relationships. And all of these people can see and have remarked to me that I seem happier and more at peace as Natalie. My wife loves me being Natalie because she stood by me and watched me spiral into depression. She is so happy to see me happy, unafraid and peaceful she doesn’t care why.
More Articles by The Author
- First Shopping
- My Lovely Hair
- Anna Secret Poet – A Year in Review
- Out of the mouths of babes and angels
- My oscillations as Abby over time