When I was a young kid, way back when, I remember once saying to myself, I don’t want to be a boy or a girl, I want to be right down the middle. Maybe that was an odd statement to make at such a young age, but it was something I knew deep inside. I was aware of how much more feminine I was than the other guys around me. I recently saw a picture of me in grade two or three and giggled.
There I sat in the front row of our class group picture with my knees tightly together, my hands gently folded in my lap, and my posture as straight as an arrow. I looked very much like the girls sitting to either side of me. I was wearing my older sister’s hand-me-down bell bottom jeans and a cute V-neck striped tee-shirt. I loved how I looked then. It was an honest expression of my inner knowing; that I wasn’t like the other boys, I was different. I didn’t want to be like those boys, I wanted to dress pretty and wear cute outfits, not camo gear.
I knew back then that I wanted to express this feminine aspect of my character, but through the years of being told that this was not okay, I adapted to please those who fed and clothed me. My survival depended on it. So, I began to repress the desires to dress cute.
I adapted the way I walked, sat, talked and held a cup. By the age of twelve, I was smoking cigarettes, pot and had lost my virginity. That’s what my guy friends were doing, and I needed to be as manly as I could. But the real me was still there, under the surface, waiting.
After years of repression, it became normal to deny Char’s open expression, but a seed will always grow when the conditions are right.
You see, as the seed of a pine tree quietly waits for the conditions to be just right before it begins to emerge, the feminine in me quietly waited for the right conditions before it broke through the surface.
For decades, Char remained silent, only peeking out now and then to check the conditions; if they were not right, no emergence, back in she would go and try again at some later date. Over the years of my life, Char would pop-up now and then, look around and decide if the conditions were safe enough to “show up”.
The time for my emergence is now! There are those who still have not yet evolved enough to see the beauty, but that does not mean the beauty is not there.
For each of us, the time to emerge is different. You will know when it is safe for you to emerge into a bigger world. Until then, keep your beautiful self safe. Guard her and watch over her. Don’t take her into dangerous situations, and protect her from those who might aim to do her harm.
And, most importantly of all, remind her every single day that just because the conditions may not be quite right for her full emergence yet, it doesn’t mean that she is not beautiful; she is!
The tiny seed does not hate the world and nor does it go about screaming and fighting. It knows of its own beauty deep within, and it knows that when the conditions are just right, it will emerge and become the majestic towering pine others will stare at in awe at its magnificence.
Unlike the tiny seed, we can create many of our own conditions for our own emergence while keeping the seedling of our feminine beauty safe.
This week’s Reset idea; although all the conditions are not perfect yet, do not let what we cannot do stop us from doing the things that we can in creating the right conditions for our emergence into the world.
We can show the world that we are kind, friendly, nonthreatening beings who simply want to give and receive kindness and who show love for all of humanity. Allow the emergence of beautiful you to happen naturally, not forcefully. We are becoming no matter what; it’s just a matter of time!
Thank you for reading Your Weekly Reset and thank you for being exactly who you are!
Namaste’
n huggles
Char
More Articles by Char
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A beautiful story, with so much truth, Char.
I cannot help but wonder though, did I keep Peggy Sue, my female self, hidden for way too long, something which I believe contributed to my years of alcoholism.
Regardless, my female self is out now, and my life has never in all my years felt more whole and more complete!
Side note, I took my last drink in 1991.
Peggy Sue
Goose bumps girl! Allllll over my body haha First, :I am sooo proud of you for you; it feels so much better to be clear of mind and sober!! Gooood onya girlfirend!! I know for me, all those years touring as a cool country drummer/vocalist I had my little stash of secret outfits hidden in my hotel room. I would use cocaine, booze and pot in huge amounts coping with the feelings of being how I was and being afraid of getting found out. This is the shame bind and yes totally a huge contributor for using what ever our… Read more »
Thank you, Char.
aaaaand Thank You Peggy Sue 🙂 What an adventure hey hehehe
Lovely article, and very true. I too, hid myself for many, many years, and wish now that I had found my way out sooner. Though I am so glad I’m here, and now can enjoy being Amy.
Thanks.
What an adventure Amy, blossom my friend. I’ve got a poster on my office wall made by a friend in rehab…Be Amazing and give no F***ks haha
Now is waaay better then never. Dr Wayne Dyer said “don’t leave the world with your music still in you, it’s in you to share”.
Let’s sing big, bright shiny tunes hehe with lots of bling hahaha
Thank you Amy 😉
Namaste’
n huggles for you
Char
Char,
I wonder how many of us went through the same as you in our early youth? I know I did. Like you, I wasn’t like the other boys – but I wasn’t a girl, either. Only late in life, long after retirement did the real “me” emerge; but better late than never. Life is beautiful, now.
…..aaaaand So are you Bettylou; Thank you for emerging my friend; your presence here is so much appreciated!! Keep on beautiful soul.
thaaank you for writing Bettylou.
Namaste’ n huggles for you 😉
Char
Great article as always Char. Reminded me of my “Sometimes She Screams” article https://www.crossdresserheaven.com/sometimes-she-screams-krista-pm-to-cyn-about-title/ (and the “Cynful Metamorphosis” forum post too https://www.crossdresserheaven.com/forums/topic/a-cynful-metamprphosis/ ). We do hide our true selves- too well at times..but eventually if we are fortunate, we cast off the chains that bound us and take to the sky! Keep up the great writing!
Cyn
Char When you mentioned about a seed that grows when conditions are right it made me think about a time in school when I was at the playground and I ripped my Jean’s playing football. There wasn’t any way that I could continue playing because they were ripped from the back to the front in the seam. My only choice was to go home and change them. I lived within walking distance so I walked home holding myself together until I got there The house was locked and my parents were working so I couldn’t get in the house. A… Read more »
Awe, how beautiful is that hey Jannie. It’s always funny to me how different something as simple as a pair of jeans can help us feel. I remember wearing my sisters hand me downs and just loving it! Now days, I’m doing construction work and just owning being true to me. I think I’ll post some pics hehe
I absolutely love how I feel wearing the right clothes and a tich of make up.
Thank you for sharing this Janie, may your seed-ness become as magnificent as you can imagine her to be 🙂
Namaste’ Dear
n huggles
Char
Sigh* What a ride hey Girlfriend? As always I love both of the articles you linked to here. I too have visited this place called “library” back in the day haha I’m going to pen an article today about a wonderful experience I had yesterday. I’m calling it “They Called Me She”. . .You know, that caterpillar’s body while inside the cocoon, turns to mushy fluid before re-creating it’s self into the form of a butterfly. I’m fully public now presenting as me, Char, and I can literally feel myself “Owning” my right to “Be” in what ever way that… Read more »
I’m not fully out but I am letting Cyn peek through even in stealth mode( and getting ma’amed or included in “you ladies” relatively often lol) and I am sharing about Cyn with more folks in my life.
Cyn
if you could seee my Grin girlfriend hahaha Goood onya, may your adventure continue to be as exciting, terrifying and emancipating as your butterfly wings are being formed hehehe 😉
Huggles for ya Cyn
Namaste’
Char
Sorrrrry for such a late reply Cyn Dear, that moment when we hear the inner scream sayin YES YES YES Pleeeease just SAY YES,,,,and as every muscle tightens and our body becomes rigid, our mouth so dry we could dehydrate sawdust in it and across our lips creeps quietly, “naw, I’m good”, or nothing at all.
Self betrayal…I will not participate in that ever again, I Promise me!!
😉 and on we go Cyn, Emerging and Expanding a little more every day…Yaaaay
Namaste’
n warm huggles Dear
Char
I don’t know if I’ll ever find someone again..but if I do I won’t hide Cyn from them.
Char, thank you for the story. It helps to know there are others who waited for the tiny seed to sprout. The girl inside is out now and will grow in the sunlight.
Hugs,
Angela
hehe Yaaaaaay!!! haha I love it!
Sooooo, Oak or Bamboo? haha
I started as Jurupa Oak, growing super slowly; now I’m more like Bamboo, growing eight stories in 3 months haha
Be green Babe!! hah
Namaste’ n huggles Angela, thank for being you and being here!!
Char
It’s very nice to have a special place like this where we can open up and discuss things with friends, instead of critical, judgmental jerks lol. Like is too short, so girls, let’s stick together and take care of each other!!❤️❤️
There’s no place like a room of supporters helping one another to grow, expand and become with out shame, guilt or judgement. It’s what will allow us all “To Be”. . .
Thanks for being here Chris, The more we see ourselves as normal, and the world can “see” us do that, the more they will see us as normal too.
This is world change we’re up to here, I Am so proud and honored to be a part of the change I want to see in the world. . .
Namaste’ n huggles Dear
Char
Hey Cyn, this was meant for you, not sure how I got it here hahaha but , Haaaappy Thanks Giving hahaha