Last night I was sitting in a gay downtown bar, which was close to empty but there were a few guys there. I was the only crossdresser in the place and I was done-up pretty well – black pantyhose and tall black boots, a silvery spandex short skirt, nice pink blouse with a lovely pink/white scarf shielding my 48 DD’s, topped by blonde hair, with a few spritzes of Elizabeth Arden’s “5th Ave” perfume. Nice makeup too, even if I do say so myself. I was waiting for another dresser to join me. She was visiting from Canterbury, England and I had not met her before.
Before she arrived, one of the men passed by my table and said to me, “My, you do smell lovely!” Hmmmm, kinda made my evening! I knew I looked like a woman out on the town, and if I kept my cake-hole shut, maybe I could even pass from a distance? (ha ha). My friend arrived and we had a lovely chat about crossdressing in the UK and North America, it was fun! We hadn’t met before, but as dressers we already had so much in common. I discovered that as well as our love of presenting as women, we were actually quite similar in interests too.
All I’ve said above has made me think today about my life, and how we crossdressers fit into the larger world out there.
I recommend reading the book “My Husband Betty, Love, Sex and Life With a Crossdresser” by Helen Boyd. Her story is thus: she meets, marries her guy and discovers he is on a roller-coaster, but one that is moving very fast from Male to Female. In other words, he is becoming more and more a woman, leaving behind the guy she loves, and who she married. He would want her to order for them both in a restaurant, typically the guy’s bailiwick. My feeling is that this can be very, very tough sledding. I feel for her guy, and for her, too. She didn’t bargain for this, but she’s got it anyway. He probably didn’t know he was going to be taking them both on this ride, either.
So how does this relate to me and to the rest of us crossdressers?
Boyd makes the point that there seems to be a continuum on which we crossdressers/transpeople fit somewhere. We know some men just go headlong into changing completely who they are. They want to be, and can live, as women (perhaps without the having babies/menstruation bit) – I know of some here who are in that space. That is one extreme end of the spectrum. Most of us are scattered along the range between that and the other end – say, being a lad who tries on girl’s panties and never, ever goes into that dark, dark and fetid place again. OMG, did I just say that?
From the wonderful and often exhilarating experience of slipping on silky satin or nylon ladies’ panties (which is what led me to my downfall), going further is moving you along the scale, towards total abandon. For me it was a slippery slope and once on it, I found it very hard to recover. But even when I say that now, I never really thought about recovery, for I had no thoughts about returning to my straight existence. I suspect that for most crossdressers, it is like this. They start small (establish a collection of lovely panties), then move a little further by buying that first bra.
OK, so what are you going to put in the bra? Panties? They will do in a pinch, but really you need silicone forms, and there are vendors who will help out our budding dresser with them. He is moving towards the center of the spectrum, but has a long way to go yet. How far will he go? It seems most crossdressers will buy all the clothing they need, plus forms, perfume, shoes and makeup, to allow for a reasonable female presentation in the mirror.
I did all of that. Wanting to look good in front of the mirror was enough for a while, but eventually it wasn’t enough for me. It seems many (most?) crossdressers stop at this point, meeting the concrete wall of The Wife and the fear of being found out. They may look like a million bucks in the mirror, but nobody else sees them, which in itself seems rather sad. To each his or her own, though. We all need to balance our desire to dress as a woman with the desire to keep everything else (family, job) on an even keel – I do get that. So this describes a point somewhere in the middle, perhaps. A long way from both the lad who was seen off by the panty try-out, and the transgirl who now lives as a woman.
I think I have found my own balance in life. I have found some friends with whom I can share my crossdresser thoughts and do things together en femme. The odd solo trip en femme also seems to be enough for me. I enjoyed that just as I enjoyed meeting my English friend last night in public, over a cool beverage. But it is enough. I won’t be moving further along the continuum.
Last night as I walked back to my car, I realized I was taking shorter, softer steps as I walked. I loved the sound of my feminine boot-heels clicking on the pavement. I felt my hips swaying a little from side to side, but sadly there was no-one there to see. I think I’m a bit of a show-off, really!
I’m a crossdressing man (with an understanding wife) who likes to go out in public en femme, but I think that’s where it ends. When I think of going further, it dawns on me that the rest of my life just doesn’t work en femme – not at all. I like the feel of a wrench or ratchet, or the plasma cutter in my hand. I like the ‘pop’ when I light up my acetylene torch. I won’t ever be climbing up into my backhoe dressed as a woman. And I won’t ever be assembling an engine in my shop in my lovely clothes either, when my hands are greased, not to mention nicked and pretty male-looking. And yet I love both sides of my life.
Oh, and BTW, I like ordering for my wife in a restaurant 🙂
Love,
Fatima
More Articles by Fatima Abrams-Cohen
- A Cross-Dressing Club
- Crossdressing Through the Ages
- Skirts, Dresses, and Purses
- Dressing Age-Appropriate?
- Long Hair and Other Girl-Stuff
Latest posts by Fatima Abrams-Cohen (see all)
- The Feminine Spectrum - April 13, 2025
- A Cross-Dressing Club - March 9, 2025
- Crossdressing Through the Ages - February 25, 2025
- Skirts, Dresses, and Purses - February 9, 2025
- Dressing Age-Appropriate? - December 26, 2024
.jpg)
I’m sitting on the edge of my bed, in a skirt, sheer top, and sexy, strappy stilettos. The rest have gone to school and work. I need a bit of girl time before starting my work day. I loved your article, I can so relate. They’re just clothes, and shoes, and lots of shoes. But they make me feel whole, yet I love my male side absolutely too. I was lucky enough to adventure out as Lea yesterday, to my favorite thrift store and obscure shopping mall. With my guy face and hairstyle, I strutted around in my cute wedges,… Read more »
Hi Fatima. Great article. I started the same as most others here – borrowing clothes from people who had no idea I had borrowed them. Then one day around 2012 my life changed forever. My wife and I had been having some difficulties and she thought I had a mistress. Well she was correct in a way – so I told her about being a crossdresser and her response was to give me a big hug and call me her “sweet transvestite" (a word I hate I must add). But from that moment on we have gone from arguing, to… Read more »
@Ellie Dee what a great positive story. I am with you that I am both. I love both sides and want to be both. I love this thread so much and replies like yours because so much of what I encounter are people looking or wanting to fully transition and it is good to see that I am not alone in being dual.
@Cindy Lady This is very common here. Whether people identify as some flavor of nonbinary or simply as cishet males whole enjoy dressing en femme, that duality is well represented and normalized here. I would argue that folks who want to transition and live full time are not the majority. We’re all on a spectrum, but it’s important to remember that the spectrum is NOT a hierarchy; no one is better than anyone else nor is anyone less-than for being at a different place on it. We’re all just trying to find our own way through all of this in… Read more »
@Nikki Just Nikki my intention in not an us verses them thing. I agree there are people all along spectrum. My comment about those that transition was not to say they are the majority but that in my experience they have been the most vocal.
@Ellie Dee Hi again Ellie. I know you know how lucky you are to have an accepting wife. Most of our wives have limitations at best.
Hi Fatima What a great article – I think it resonates with many of us here. As you say, we are all on the “spectrum" somewhere, and all in a different spot – somewhere between our male selves and becoming a full time lady. I guess there is no right spot to be on, on this spectrum – for many of us, where we are right now is the right spot, and it might move forwards and back and forward again, many times, over time. For some, they will be wanting to be further along the path, and getting there… Read more »
@Jenny Sheerness I think you answer you question yourself, but as someone like you who doesn’t get to dress all the time and sometimes for a short time, we are what we believe we are. One thing I have found about my short time in this community is that they are very welcoming and supportive of us all finding our own place. ❤️