Today it’s over. I’m not going to purge anymore. This is my last one. I’m packing the life I thought I could live into a bag and donating it. As I look at those clothes in a pile, one last shiver goes down my spine – I’ll never go there again. I’ll never purchase those clothes, I’ll never get sucked into their enticing lies, I’ll never let myself pretend to pass as someone I’m not. This is it – I’ve decided. This is my final purge.
To some the crossdressing purge is a right of passage. A validation the you’ve struggled with your feminine nature. Even if you emerge slightly scarred, poorer and remorseful at your lack of will power, there is still something inside you that sits in silent approval at your heroic attempts to be what you were supposed to be.
As I pack a pair of ratty and well worn looking pants into a garbage bag I contemplate all my previous purges. They’ve all been committed in a bought of self disgust, a hope against hope for a better future fueled my fervor. I was not going to do this anymore. I fold a collared shirt, and think about how different it is this time. For the first time I’m purging at peace. There is no doubt. There is no self recrimination.
With some nostalgia I place the first suit my dad gave me into the bag. I have no need for it anymore. The pile of t-shirts sits close by, reminding me of all the projects I’ve worked on over the years. I shake my head and wonder at the poor taste I had in clothing.
Ties and shoes and other things I haven’t worn in months – they must all go. The next item gives me pause. I unzip the bag – it’s the suit I wore to my wedding that I’m now giving away. The symbolism is not lost on me. For a moment I’m deep in self reflection – flashing back to all the years I spent growing to this point. My heart pains at my love who I’m losing, and the upside-down world she’ll be in for the next few months.
With the clothes neatly folded and packed I marvel at my final purge. After all those years of struggle it’s come to this. The man I never was lies ready for his final journey to Goodwill. Out of my life, but hopefully he’ll bring someone else warmth and comfort.
This is my final purge. And I am at peace.
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Vanessa Law
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Save your old underwear. They work really well to clean the barbeque grill.
i've found all cotton ones work well on bike parts. not the slinky nylon that i like to wear tho!
I also have gone through purges of my femme clothing, but recently I did another purge, but not what you think. I reviewed everything in my closets and dresser drawers. There were numerous things I don’t wear anymore. A couple of Kilts that no longer fit me. They were soon history. Then I started checking my male pants. Since I no longer wear these garments of genital horror, I discarded all of them, followed by several mens shirts and shorts. I haven’t worn mens’ underwear, boxers or briefs for years, so what was left collecting dust was promply thrown into… Read more »
This step was a long time in the making. It certainly will be easier to keep everything in one place. I have my cloths scatered and need to orginize it better. Never thought of cleaning the barbaque with old underwear . I have lots of them I never worn.
What a wonderful post Vanessa – i felt exactly the same some 4 years ago when I did that final clear out of all male attire and for me it was the final acceptance of the inner struggle of letting go and accepting my new life. Now I am post OP, since Oct 2008, and the feeling of once again being at 1 with myself and my body is the best feeling in the world.
Well done you – and keep up the excellent work you do on this blog.
Luv to you and your partner xxx
Thanks Val! Hugs
i am a closet cder, my family knows of my other side of me. but i would like to know is if should i tell my syciatrist, for i need to let it out and see what she thinks, i have open heart surgery and since then my feminine side wants to be out more, i am unemployed waiting for ssd to decide if i am cleared to retire medicaly. i have alot of trouble with my heart and depression axity, highh blood presure, acid reflex cornery artirey disease. so this is my way of coping with my trouble and… Read more »
Hi Vanessa, The urge to purge ebbs with age and ultimately we are who we are and we too deserve our place in the sun in life with tranquility and peace of mind. This can be hard as a cross dresser but the ancient Greeks’ maxim of " know thyself" is supreme here. As distinguished colleague said: Kepp the clothes in a secure location , the feelings will come back , the younger one is the harder it is to see this clearly. We need our clothes as much as anyone else. They happen to cross gender but regardless we… Read more »