Today it’s over. I’m not going to purge anymore. This is my last one. I’m packing the life I thought I could live into a bag and donating it. As I look at those clothes in a pile, one last shiver goes down my spine – I’ll never go there again. I’ll never purchase those clothes, I’ll never get sucked into their enticing lies, I’ll never let myself pretend to pass as someone I’m not. This is it – I’ve decided. This is my final purge.
To some the crossdressing purge is a right of passage. A validation the you’ve struggled with your feminine nature. Even if you emerge slightly scarred, poorer and remorseful at your lack of will power, there is still something inside you that sits in silent approval at your heroic attempts to be what you were supposed to be.
As I pack a pair of ratty and well worn looking pants into a garbage bag I contemplate all my previous purges. They’ve all been committed in a bought of self disgust, a hope against hope for a better future fueled my fervor. I was not going to do this anymore. I fold a collared shirt, and think about how different it is this time. For the first time I’m purging at peace. There is no doubt. There is no self recrimination.
With some nostalgia I place the first suit my dad gave me into the bag. I have no need for it anymore. The pile of t-shirts sits close by, reminding me of all the projects I’ve worked on over the years. I shake my head and wonder at the poor taste I had in clothing.
Ties and shoes and other things I haven’t worn in months – they must all go. The next item gives me pause. I unzip the bag – it’s the suit I wore to my wedding that I’m now giving away. The symbolism is not lost on me. For a moment I’m deep in self reflection – flashing back to all the years I spent growing to this point. My heart pains at my love who I’m losing, and the upside-down world she’ll be in for the next few months.
With the clothes neatly folded and packed I marvel at my final purge. After all those years of struggle it’s come to this. The man I never was lies ready for his final journey to Goodwill. Out of my life, but hopefully he’ll bring someone else warmth and comfort.
This is my final purge. And I am at peace.
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Latest posts by Vanessa Law (see all)
- Scholar Program – Transwomen’s Social Support for Medication Adherence - April 6, 2019
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- You Are Enough - March 5, 2017
- We Can Make It Into Something Wonderful - February 26, 2017
- Meet Your Crossdresser Heaven Ambassadors - February 15, 2017