The First Time I Saw Her Face

I have been supremely calm and at peace with myself since I not only decided that I would start crossdressing, but that I wasn’t going to keep it a secret, either. That was eleven days ago when Mitzi May introduced herself into my reality. Or, rather, actualized herself in my mind and spirit.

Spirit is the best term I can use for where she arrived first because my process and orientation toward accepting and manifesting Mitzi May into something real is a fundamentally alchemical process. And I do mean alchemy in the strict sense of the term, which may require a brief explanation. Our common perception of the alchemist is that of a madman obsessed with the literal transformation of one substance into another, usually lead into gold by means of the “Philosopher’s Stone”. While the actual, literal transformation is thus far impossible, that’s not the point of the exercise.

What the alchemist actually aims at is the transformation of dross matter (that which impedes progress or causes the soul to stagnate) into pure matter (that which liberates and transforms). It is the process of taking all that does not serve your spirit and using it to fuel the process of changing your spirit into a higher and more evolved form. If we truly believe Eliphas Levi’s maxim of “as above, so below”, then we can see that when we affect transformation on the soul level, it will work its way into the physical level of reality, too.

That is about where I am with Mitzi May. She’s made herself at home with me on a spiritual level and acts as the Yin to my male aspect’s Yang; or anima to animus, and so on. I can feel her there, more as feelings and colors and shapes right now. Grey, purple, fuchsia, pink, black; circles and paisleys and mandalas. She feels cool and compassionate, intellectual and artistic. She’s pulling out parts of me that were put away a long time ago and gently reintroducing them to my life.

She resides currently in the spirit, in the “as above” realm. She is abstract and mutable, like a Pollack painting or the colored gel shows used by the early Pink Floyd and similar psychedelic acts. She resists being put down into matter directly; she has demands, of course. She needs a worthy home, which has spurred me to ramp up on my exercise and focus even more on my health and diet concerns. It’s not an exaggeration for me to say that I’m motivated to lose 80 pounds and take at least 6″ off my waist so I can fit into a dress the way I want to and hopefully manifest the woman inside me on the physical level.

I am fortunate enough to live near Janet’s Closet, so I can shop there and make use of their resources. I am currently scheduled to go there on Wednesday, to be transformed. I will have the chance to pick out clothing and a wig and all the other things that will be parts of Mitzi May’s first baby steps into reality. It will last only a few hours, but I will have a chance to feel her body, wear her clothes, and see her face. I honestly don’t know what she will look like.

This will be my first-ever experience of going all femme, and I have to admit that it’s a daunting one. I’m a bit scared–not of the process, but somehow, I’m a bit scared of how excited I am for this, and how much I want it. I will be taking home pictures from this, and I’ve decided to use them as a focus for my meditation and transformational magickal work. Becoming Mitzi is as much a spiritual event for me as it is a personal and sexual one. Shamans and magicians from many other traditions have used crossdressing as a way to contact and create affinities with their deities and spirit energies.

Mitzi is a conduit of that kind for me. She is a way to meet myself, truly, and also a way to draw closer to the goddesses whose path I’ve followed for nearly 25 years. So, perhaps, Wednesday will be not only the first time that I see Mitzi’s face in the mirror, it may also be the first time I look into the mirror and see the face of the Goddess. May it be so, both for me and all my sisters here and around the world.