Nearly every crossdresser I’ve had the privilege to meet since I joined Crossdresser Heaven has expressed at least some level of insecurity about their femme side. Why do I need to dress? Am I weird? Will I find someone who can love and accept me? It’s unfortunate that our society has forced so many beautiful women into the closet because we can’t accept something new or different. It’s completely understandable though why crossdressing can cause major insecurities. As I’ve been getting to know more genetic girls in a relationship with a crossdresser, I’ve found that we have a unique set of insecurities ourselves, aside from the typical insecurities many women in a relationship feel.
The perception of femininity that a crossdresser has if often much different than that of genetic females. We’ve grown up entirely female, so the allure of all things feminine is sometimes lost on us. Sure, most of us like to get dolled up and feel pretty, but it isn’t something that permeates our thoughts and daily lives as it does with many crossdressers. Our partners put a lot of time and effort into presenting themselves beautifully, and some of us partners wonder if we’re girly enough. Do our partners mind that we don’t always embrace our femininity? It sounds backwards, doesn’t it? But the idea that the genetic female in the relationship is insecure about not being feminine enough for our femme loving partners is a frequent topic of discussion among us partners.
There are other insecurities too, that are harder to share with our partners, because they stem from us not understanding crossdressing, as hard as we may try. We don’t know how our relationship will change when we find out about our partner’s femme side, and it can be scary. They may do everything right and make sure we know they love us but it’s hard not to worry that their feelings for us will change because our relationship dynamic has changed so suddenly and drastically. It’s not a fair thought to have, but it’s one that almost all of the partners I’ve talked to have had. Perhaps it’s the feeling that we’ve invited another person to join our relationship. We haven’t, of course, that femme persona was always there, we just didn’t know about it, but we don’t have any other frame of reference for no longer being the only woman in our relationship.
While discussing this in the Significant Other forum, another SO said something that has allowed me to reframe how I think about this particular insecurity. She’s given me permission to share her thoughts. When responding to a member who was questioning whether their partner will still love them and want to be with them, she said “He dressed before you knew and you are the one he desires. He dressed when you knew and you continue to be the one he desires. Dressing makes him who he is and you make him feel loved so does dressing really change that love and commitment you have with each other?” I felt like a lightbulb in my head (or perhaps my heart) went off! My partner knew about his femme side when he fell in love with me, so why would his feelings for me change just because I know about her now? If anything, wouldn’t him being able to share this special part of himself just make his love for me grow?
One of the things I love about this community is the way we can share with and challenge each other. My challenge to you, whether you are a crossdresser or you love one, is to keep in mind that for all the insecurities you have, your partner probably does too. These may never go away, but if we don’t talk to each other about these kinds of things, we may miss a perspective that can help us feel just a bit more secure in ourselves or our relationship, and that can bring great comfort.
This is good article. When I was reading the article and probably most of us happen, We are identifying with that person, have a wife that can you trust in your femele side is hard to find, my wife knows what I want and what I like but always inside the bedroom, we have kids and is very dificult let them know what I am or why ai am doing this to dress like their mom because my dougher wants me like her masculine pathet, strong. This is very frustrating only be in the closet but the good thing is… Read more »
Nice article Trisha. I always loved the water babies as Iwanted to grow up in a world run by Mrs Doasyouwouldbedonby.
We should all always remember the other persons point of view befor we express our own
Thanks, Trisha. I wish I had a wife who was as understanding as you. I’ve been married twice, and neither one worked out. My first wife didn’t find out until after we divorced, but the second found a stash of photos and clothes. She flipped out (I can’t blame her) and refused to ever talk about it again (I do blame her for that). I’m certain she must have felt the same insecurities you so eloquently expressed, I just wish she would have felt comfortable enough to discuss them with me. Thanks for sharing. I wish you both a lifetime… Read more »
Elise, I know exactly where you are coming from. So far and I don’t ever think my cross dressing will ever lead to a divorce or even a separation. When my wife found out the first and second time I was a cross dresser and couldn’t give it up, she freaked out! Now she knows I will never give it up and the fact that I’m really good at it as well. Elise, she has now reached a level of acceptance of which I thought she would never ever reached. The fact that I can store all of Scarlett’s things… Read more »
Thanks, Scarlett. You are indeed lucky to have an understanding wife. I honestly think that understanding and acceptance is all we can ask of our SO. While we all dream of the SO who will embrace and partake in our activities, I don’t think that’s realistic. Unless your SO has bisexual tendencies, she’s not likely to want to visualize her man as a woman. I know I wouldn’t have been thrilled if my wife wanted to look like a man. Of course I would still love her and would like to think I’d be accepting, but I don’t think I’d… Read more »
Finally catching up and responding to comments… I think it’s important that you recognize that wife #2 had the right to be upset when she first discovered your secret, but also that it was not OK that she refused to talk about it further. Relationships are a challenge, and half the challenge is communicating when things get difficult. I would like to add, if for no other reason, than to perhaps speak to partners who may read this… I’ve never considered myself to have Bi tendencies. I would have never pursued a relationship with a woman. It simply doesn’t interest… Read more »
Hi Elise, thanks for you entertaining note and you’re right about total acceptance unless there may be some sort of bi tendencies. Not always the case but probably has a bit to do with complete total acceptance! I do have a fantasy that I will never be able to live out. And that’s getting all dolled up as Scarlett and go to bed with my sexy redhead with her all dolled up and us light a few Yankee candles and just spend the next two hours making love to each other while working around all of the sexy clothes. Won’t… Read more »
I can see that when her mate’s feminine side come to light, not just that he’s likes things considered feminine, but that he has a compulsion to express a feminine nature, she needs to redefine the relationship. Over the last 45 years, I’ve seen my wife struggle with that very thing. You’ve hit the nail on the head when you point out it’s not being able to understand cross-dressing. I wish someone who does understand it would explain it to me. I’ve been cross-dressing for over 60 years and don’t understand it. What I do understand is that my desire… Read more »
“Women find that to succeed in a man’s world they don’t just need to be as good as a man at what ever they need to do, they need to be better to get the same recognition. The same is true for cross-dressing husbands. In order to succeed in marriage, we can’t just be as good a husband as the next guy, we need to be a better husband than our wives perceive other husbands to be.” Powerful stuff right here! Certainly, as a CD, you don’t “owe” your wife more than any other husband, but when things are complex… Read more »
I was fortunate that my wife knew about my dressing even before we married or even became a couple. We have been together now 28ish? years? She knows that dressing makes me a more comfortable dressing and now almost all of my close3s are fem or at least androgynous.
I think its interesting that many married women now wear mens clothes & have real short hair, & no one cares. I know of one married couple who look so much alike that its hard to tell which one is which! Its too bad that society accepts that when they wont accept those of us that want to wear womens clothes! I fortunant that when my wife found out that i like to wear slips instead of underpants, she never complained, but she dosent want me to wear dresses in our home town. So I have been able to wear… Read more »
Great article. My wife has these same kind of insecurities, but we are still together after 20 years. She is something of a tomboy, so we kinda balance out. I think perhaps one factor which isn’t talked about too much is the huge changes in society itself. Women now expect to have any career open to them and average women’s clothing has become more androgynous or male. On the other side, there’s a probably more acceptance of biological men expressing female, particularly if they are committed trans. In the middle ages, rich men might enjoy silks or lace; in the… Read more »
Such a great article Trisha! I’m glad you felt my words would help others as it relates to being loved. Knowing about my partners dressing from the beginning and accepting it at that moment, I didn’t realize I’d still struggle with a few things over these 15 years. I just have to keep my pulse on what makes my partner and I work. I try to understand the desire to dress but may never fully understand it. What I do know is watching my partner grow as a person and the bond it’s created for us, I couod never have… Read more »
Trisha Anne, this was the most insightful and well written article from the perspective of a female wife or long term lover of a male to female cross dresser! I could write for days in response to your article. I just hope I can soon tell my wife I’m a new member of Crossdresser Heaven and lead her to your article and have her understand many of the most important issues both the wife and the cross dresser who loves the wife even more than cross dressing face after the fact that the cross dressing has been exposed and the… Read more »
thank you Trisha for sharing your thoughts with us hugs Kate