Nearly every crossdresser I’ve had the privilege to meet since I joined Crossdresser Heaven has expressed at least some level of insecurity about their femme side. Why do I need to dress? Am I weird? Will I find someone who can love and accept me? It’s unfortunate that our society has forced so many beautiful women into the closet because we can’t accept something new or different. It’s completely understandable though why crossdressing can cause major insecurities. As I’ve been getting to know more genetic girls in a relationship with a crossdresser, I’ve found that we have a unique set of insecurities ourselves, aside from the typical insecurities many women in a relationship feel.
The perception of femininity that a crossdresser has if often much different than that of genetic females. We’ve grown up entirely female, so the allure of all things feminine is sometimes lost on us. Sure, most of us like to get dolled up and feel pretty, but it isn’t something that permeates our thoughts and daily lives as it does with many crossdressers. Our partners put a lot of time and effort into presenting themselves beautifully, and some of us partners wonder if we’re girly enough. Do our partners mind that we don’t always embrace our femininity? It sounds backwards, doesn’t it? But the idea that the genetic female in the relationship is insecure about not being feminine enough for our femme loving partners is a frequent topic of discussion among us partners.
There are other insecurities too, that are harder to share with our partners, because they stem from us not understanding crossdressing, as hard as we may try. We don’t know how our relationship will change when we find out about our partner’s femme side, and it can be scary. They may do everything right and make sure we know they love us but it’s hard not to worry that their feelings for us will change because our relationship dynamic has changed so suddenly and drastically. It’s not a fair thought to have, but it’s one that almost all of the partners I’ve talked to have had. Perhaps it’s the feeling that we’ve invited another person to join our relationship. We haven’t, of course, that femme persona was always there, we just didn’t know about it, but we don’t have any other frame of reference for no longer being the only woman in our relationship.
While discussing this in the Significant Other forum, another SO said something that has allowed me to reframe how I think about this particular insecurity. She’s given me permission to share her thoughts. When responding to a member who was questioning whether their partner will still love them and want to be with them, she said “He dressed before you knew and you are the one he desires. He dressed when you knew and you continue to be the one he desires. Dressing makes him who he is and you make him feel loved so does dressing really change that love and commitment you have with each other?” I felt like a lightbulb in my head (or perhaps my heart) went off! My partner knew about his femme side when he fell in love with me, so why would his feelings for me change just because I know about her now? If anything, wouldn’t him being able to share this special part of himself just make his love for me grow?
One of the things I love about this community is the way we can share with and challenge each other. My challenge to you, whether you are a crossdresser or you love one, is to keep in mind that for all the insecurities you have, your partner probably does too. These may never go away, but if we don’t talk to each other about these kinds of things, we may miss a perspective that can help us feel just a bit more secure in ourselves or our relationship, and that can bring great comfort.
Thank you so so much, Trisha. I am in a 23 year loving relationship with my wife; we are raising a beautiful 14 year old son, and am just come “out" with my relationship with my inner “girlfriend"; and all kinds of physical symptoms are dissipating in my body, slowly released from to decades of low level repression. There is magic and mystery in the air. My wife is a little bit hesitant and uncertain, from her insecurities and unfamiliarity with the whole scene. But I am looking forward to periodically being the beautiful, kind, classy, compassionate, sensitive girl I… Read more »
Beautiful and I love the excitement.
It sounds like you and your wife have a WONDERFUL partnership! I love your promise to her, that if you can be the woman you want to be, that you’ll be even more than the man she needs. Balance is hard to find, but it seems like you’ve managed to incorporate your previously hidden self into your relationship, without losing who you are as a couple. It’s a really lovely story!
Insecurities. An important insecurity is not that of being a spouse, trying to be an accepting spouse to a dear crossdresser. That can certainly be difficult for any significant other in a relationship. The real insecurity, as this girl, Roxanne, sees it, is the insecurity of trying to become the woman, the female personality, in a trans relationship. Dealing with trying to figure out how to become the woman, the wife, in a new transsexual marriage. Oh, what stressors will tiptoe to the top of the soul! Not only does one have to deal with simply living as a girl,… Read more »
I’m not sure if I’m misinterpreting your comment, but I must say, I disagree. I know that CD and TG women experience insecurity. I acknowledged that in my article, but of course, my article was my own personal perspective as a partner. To say “an important insecurity is not that of being a spouse,” or when you say that the “real insecurity” is that of the CD/TG, and not the partner, you are minimizing the journey us partners also undertake. I encourage partners who have recently learned of their partner’s need to dress to remember how difficult this is for… Read more »
Oh dear, Trisha, I have phrased that so incorrectly! Please forgive me. You are right, of course. There can be insecurities for the spouse. Of course! But also, there are some who aren’t the ONLY insecure one. Oh, let’s just do away with all of this insecure mess, and just wish for happiness and understanding on both sides, ok?
Roxanne
Oh, my! Roxanne
Trisha Anne, thank you for your contributions here and providing insight from a GG female perspective and vantage point. My goal is to gain a better understanding of what the SO partner goes through, her feelings about all this, what makes her angry, why she is angry, what is unsettling about this from HER perspective. What are the challenges she goes through? What are her fears? How can we as CD’s assuage those fears and how can we offer reassurance that all will be just fine? Is there a way to effectively make this work so that both parties can… Read more »
Trisha Anne, thank you for your contributions here and providing insight from a GG female perspective and vantage point. My goal is to gain a better understanding of what the SO partner goes through, her feelings about all this, what makes her angry, why she is angry, what is unsettling about this from HER perspective. What are the challenges she goes through? What are her fears? How can we as CD’s assuage those fears and how can we offer reassurance that all will be just fine? Is there a way to effectively make this work so that both parties can… Read more »
Roxanne, I"m not sure what you mean. This could go two ways as I read it. I think what you’re saying is important and revealing and offers some insight or a peek behind the curtain, so to speak. My goal is to gain a better understanding of what the SO partner goes through, her feelings about all this, what makes her angry, why she is angry, what is unsettling about this from HER perspective. What are the challenges she goes through? What are her fears? How can we as CD’s assuage those fears and how can we offer reassurance that… Read more »
Good Morning Trisha, Your article is heartfelt and, I believe, an accurate assessment of the dynamics within most relationships between a CD and his spouse or significant other. JoAnn and I have been married for nearly 24 years. I told her about my CD propensity shortly into our first year. Maybe I should have told her earlier, but as we courted, my crossdressing diminished significantly and I likely felt that it might go away completely. So, why bring it up? How did it come up? We were, of course, much younger and active in our careers, mine in public service.… Read more »
Oh Falecia.. I feel for you dear. Good for you for your honesty, and I’m so glad you’ve been able to make your loving relationship thrive through it all. I hope that one day she can accept this part of you, as tolerating is not the same…. that being said, you both clearly love each other and want to be together. That’s the MOST important thing.
Oh my word ….your story could have been written by me …maybe our wives know each other and are comparing notes :-). Goodness it was so nice to read your (our) story, thank you !!
Love Elaine
I am a wife of a CD and my reaction was similar to your spouses. My hubby told me before we got married. IAt first, I made an effort to dress up with him, but I am afraid of running into someone we know. He is not open other than with me and we live in an ultra conservative place. I also worry about my children being bullied or ostracized. We try to be careful where we go because of that. I feel less girlie than him and it makes me insecure. I can not wear heels at all. It… Read more »
What a great commentary!!! Your story has given some insight as to what the female side of the equation or perspective is on this. I’ve read multiple comments from GG females and they all speak of certain insecurities. You mentioned that he sometimes is more girly than you are and that makes you uncomfortable or insecure. Can you describe what those perceived insecurities might be? Does it have something to do with your hubby becoming more girly and that feels awkward to you as it has the appearance to some degree of being a girl-girl relationship? I think in some… Read more »
THANK YOU! What a great article! I will be sharing it with my SO!
Thank you, Trisha. I just came out to my wife who is trying to understand and be supportive. What you share will be helpful in our conversation.
I absolutely love this article. So very well written. The context uhh s spot on. Thank you Trisha.
Hugs girlfriend
Danielle
Thank you for this. I can relate to this on such a level! I do feel insecure as a generic female. I do feel at times that I live together will end. I am thankful that he shared with me what was going on inside of him, however I don’t think he understands the impact it had on me and has on me.
I’m not great about getting on here lately , but I try to respond when I can. Your life together doesn’t have to end, but it will change. I think it’s really common that those who come out as a CD think that the only massive changes that are happening are for them, and forget that their partner’s life is changing too. Make sure he knows that. This site is so great for support.
Thanks and agreed. My apologies for not responding sooner. So grateful for this site.
I know what you mean when you say you don’t think he understands the impact it had and has on you. From the very start I have been more than understanding. I’ve giving him years of understanding and space, allowing him room to decide for himself who he wanted to be sexually. In all this time he has never bothered to explore or understand my sense of sexuality. It feels like he won’t give me my natural place as a woman and I resent it.
Denise I know we all have so many emotions running wild in this. I am up, then down and sometimes for lack of a better phrase…. I just am. I came here for more understanding and for support. I introduced my spouse to this site also. I was highly upset with the sites he had joined and was quite vocal on that! I would like to say that we have reached an agreement/understanding of each other’s needs, but that is not the case. We are working on that though! I love him very much but I do not know what… Read more »
You rock and thank you for your honesty. I agree just getting it out helps so much. After so many years of having to stuff it all down, what a blessing to have other woman to talk to who understand. I believe it has saved my life. Thanks and back at you. Feel free to use me as a sounding board or just need to talk. I would love that. Your friend, Denise
This is the problem I am having. I just found out 10 days ago after 17 years of marriage and raising three sons. I am VERY supportive of my husband, but I feel so left out and insecure. I have always been a very “strong” woman and my “man” has always been my “safe place”. I feel lost because I don’t feel safe anymore. I haven’t seen him fully dressed yet, and I’m scared about how that will make me feel. We have been shopping three times — once for panties, once for lotions and bubble bath and once for… Read more »
Robin, As I read this, it could have been writing this post! I too feel I have lost my “safe place”. His was the strong one…my man that lead the way. Now I am so lost and not really sure of my role, because that definitely has changed. He is so out of touch with “us” as a couple…..and in the sense we have always been no longer exist. I never know who I am coming home to or what our evening/night will hold. I am usually so anxious when I start home each day…sometimes I find myself shaking and… Read more »
Hi, my name is Denise and I wish I could tell you it’s just your insecurities because it’s so new, but I can not. Interestingly enough, I’ve known for 17 years where as you are finding out after 17 years and 3 sons. Wow, that is a huge pill to swallow to be sure. In all fairness to him 17 years is a long time to have to keep a secret from the woman he loves. However, he and all CD have a responsibility to us their partners in telling us. At least that gives us the ability to make… Read more »
Mrs.Robin!! Thank you so much for saying that!! You have provided so much more insight to this than I have seen so far. This is, yet, another “AHA!!!" moment seeing things from a different vantage point. Thank you so much for that perspective!!! I do know that in general, women see themselves as being fat when they are the farthest thing from being fat. Men, on the other hand, can be fat but don’t see it. you see them on the beach sporting a big gut and never giving it a second thought. Women, on the other hand, feel they… Read more »
Denise, thank you for your perspective, first of all. I think you have touched on a couple of things in your response and those are important to note and point out. First, you mentioned that your hubby gets so wrapped up in doing what he’s doing, that he seems or tends to neglect YOUR feelings and considerations. I think that you’re spot on with that. as a CD’er myself, I think that is an easy trap to fall into as the CD’er in our relationship. It seems to put a lot of emphasis on dressing and not so much the… Read more »
Trisha, thanks so much for sharing your perspective, it really helps me to start to understand how my wife may feel about my CDing. She is very supportive and understanding, but not really comfortable with it.
This is the first SO article I have read and I am balling my eyes out and I don’t really know why!!
Thanks again!
I love this article my story has evolved in some of the same ways as the article. After 33 years she is now after hours and hours of discussion, psychiatric sessions countless dollars on sessions and purged wardrobes, accepting me for the woman I am as long as she can still have the man she fell in love with when she wants him. For about 9 months now I get to live as a woman from Sunday afternoon till Saturday at noon except for work and times we have company Unless it’s the few that know about me. It’s wonderful… Read more »
Trisha, Thank you so much for this wonderfully thoughtful and articulate post. I think you have identified many of the issues that arise from A CD coming out to their SO and remembering that BOTH parties are deeply affected by it. I feel that all to often the feelings of the SO are overlooked by the CD as we can be too preoccupied in the pursuit of our own femme persona. Communication is key and I believe that contributions such as yours help both parties in understanding the other’s perspective. It’s true that the man you feel in love with… Read more »