“I’m never going to do it again.” You know the old saying, “If I had a nickel for every time I said that.” I’ve come to a point in my 56th year where I’ve accepted what I’m becoming, and yet…I still have doubts (both ways) and moments where I desperately want to be the false male imagine of myself that I’ve lived most of my life. The only difference today is when I feel that way the guilt that follows is for the panic I feel at almost purging everything that makes me, me and not for wanting to be more feminine.
If only I were 12 again with understanding parents and oodles of money, I’d take the hormone blockers and live my life more in tune with how I feel inside—female. But that’s 56 year old me daydreaming of what might have been. My wish today would be to move to a new city, find an employer who wouldn’t mind how I came dressed to work, and live in peace at being me. I can’t, not yet, and maybe never. So now what?
I spend hours researching, dreaming, and shaping this life to be as full as it can. I still sneak around in shadows and fear being caught. Only now, I’m willing to deal with the aftermath, even welcome it should it happen. There are little signs all around me that inquisitive investigators might see and inquire about. I have face cream to use each day after shaving, fruity scented shampoo and body lotion on the shelf, not to mention all the items hidden in my drawers amongst my male clothes and the two large suitcases that should be empty, but are not.
What stops me is the relationship I have with my children, my parents, and the responsibilities I take seriously in the volunteer work I do. I’m not sure I’m ready to give up one, two, or all of them, even if it means future happiness and new opportunities and friends. Money is an issue too—when isn’t it. Buying items necessary to calm my inner anxieties isn’t cheap, and I have a fixation on wigs and high heels. It’s fair to say that Brina spends all of our money on looking good or at least trying to.
Trying to be all male is never going to happen again. I gave it the old college try, been married and divorced, spent two years giving Brina a shot, purged it all and dove into another relationship, only to become single once more and finally accepting that I’m a mixed bag of ever-changing emotions and trepidations. I think those relationships didn’t work out because of it and because of my lack of personal happiness. If I could meet a woman at a crossdressing convention who found me worthy–that would be sweet. I’m still not sure where I am on the spectrum of sexuality and gender. The biggest obstacle to my psyche was the feeling of not being a good person. The need to hide my heels from my spouse and to wear her clothes caused me to doubt the good I could be. It’s sad, but society still looks at us negatively. Raise your hand and proclaim yourself transgendered and there is slightly more sympathy. I’m stuck in the middle somewhere.
This journey is mine alone. I have to make the decisions that I can live with—or live without. The best I can do is to be me. And that means all of what I am whether dressed in jeans and drinking a beer with the boys at the bowling alley or strutting around home in my 5 inch heels and fully ready for a night on the town as Brina (even though she doesn’t go out she still dresses for the opportunity). Inside, I’m the compilation of each. I don’t separate them the way I used to, which also reflects the little physical changes in my appearance; the neater eyebrows, the way I walk, the mannerisms I display (crossing my legs using my hands more when speaking), the colors and types of clothes I wear, and the conversations I’m willing to engage in. I’ve become less judgmental on myself and especially on others. I still have my bad days, but I’m learning to like me more every day and to worry less about what might happen as I try to move towards what I want to happen.
May your journey bring you peace, may your life be filled with promise, and may your hopes always outweigh your doubts.
Brina
Wow! You sound so much like me! I was recently watching a documentary film about a British couple with a 5 yr old son who wants to be a girl. Same age as I was, 62 yrs ago. And what a difference he past 62 years have made. I know my mother knew all about me. But nothing was said and nothing was done. I will nevertheless know if she confided in my father. I have to believe that she shared this with other female members of my family, because many were very supportive of my being a girl. And… Read more »
Brina,
Your words encapsulate the way that many of us feel. I too am contemplating my future path whether that be moving forward and transitioning or staying where I am on the spectrum ow (getting out as Cyn more but maintaining the male part of my life as well). The balance(or to be scientific the scales) could still tip either way but whichever way it goes, I plan to continue moving toward fully accepting myself as the entirety of my person.
Thanks again for a great article!
Cyn
Well said. It encapsulates my feelings perfectly. I fought the inner me for years and now Im at peace with the balance I have found.
I liked the term “gender fluid" the first time I heard it. I’ve been concentrating on mentally transitioning. I also know how difficult it is to express yourself as a women with family and the rest of the people who know you. If we have fluidity, perhaps we don’t have to beat ourselves as to being one or the other and how we present in various situations.
Good for you Sabrina! Being comfortable with who you are and learning to just roll with the punches (whatever they may be) is a great way to approach life. I know I am much happier now that I have accepted who I am – both the male and female me. I hope you find and are able to live with a balance that works for you.
April
Sabrina, I understand what you’re going through, as I have the some of the same problems. Crossdressing and feminine behaviour are some of the last societal taboos for adults. Yes, money is a problem, regardless of lifestyle. It seems there are always clothes that I want to buy, particularly shoes. By the time one has budgeted for day-to-day living expenses, the sale is over. Plus, depending on where one lives, understanding and compassionate people are difficult to find. And, of course, there’s family. I’m you’re age, and I’m wrestling with who I am, and wish to find someone to help… Read more »
Dont worry there are many like you and theres nothing wrong with that Be true to you Ask yourself Am i hetero bi homosexual or none? Do i want to be a woman? Then how do i want to present myself and what is safe for me at this time in my life? For me I m hetero Men dont turn me on Although some fantasies involving them do those are fantasies no dufferent than " say i fatasized aboit being with two women a fatady" I like my maleness But i like panties bras dtockings heels baby dolls tight… Read more »
A really nice essay written by a thinking person.
I’ve just started this trip and I have no idea where or how this will end up. I have a very very supportive wife but also many doubts about whether to go ahead or whether I should stop here. I can’t give any answer yet.
Thank you.
Embrace the journey. The first steps are the most challenging but most special. Finding the first bra and panty set that actually fit, looking in the mirror and thinking “This is me" makes it all worth while.
The one I keep saying is that not gonna let no one stop or slow me down however on other hand I’m the one doing it to myself by only dressing up during certain time’s or not letting her ecsape out in public like she should letting male image take over an showing himself to others not letting her show her kindness n caring personality show or prove loving person she is
This essay was very helpful for me. I’m very judgemental of myself and not accepting of my female side but you and this site I feel have helped me immensely since I found it 3 days ago. Thank you so much! I cannot express in words what you have done for me.
The more I dress the more I appreciate being born male with a true desire to be perceived as a woman. When I was younger it was liberating to discover my mother’s bras and panties hanging on the clothes line. I was like a moth drawn to a light. Simple white garments never looked so beautiful or felt so right (off and on). Been enjoying the appeal of dressing in woman’s “pretties" ever since. Nothing beats a good cry in a bra and panties after a stressful day. I embrace all parts girl that have been trapped (closeted) for too… Read more »