Good evening dear readers,
I must admit that I’ve missed you – I’ve missed your love and support, I’ve missed sharing my stories with you, I’ve missed pouring my emotions and thoughts and ideas out onto the canvas that is the Internet.
My words scream from within me – I’m a transgender woman who has experience sorrow and joy, hope and despair, longing and fulfillment. Yet, even at this stage, I still know that my journey has not even begun. Even as I plan my surgeries, even as I’ve been full time for 6 months, I still know that life has so much more to offer me – so much more lurks ahead.
Yet the future is misty.
I think, sometimes that the future stretches before us, beckoning us to discover what it holds. It’s the first time you share your cross dressing secret with another. It’s the first time you go out in public as a woman. It’s the first time you admit that it is more than a passing fancy. And in that moment you embrace the misty future.
Tonight I feel pensive. My heart is filled with happiness, yet my eyes cry tears of lonely sorrow. It’s how I’ve been feeling lately. I must admit that it’s been a roller coaster of emotions for me – even when I’m with others I feel as though I’m alone. When I’m with my transgender friends I’m embraced by our shared challenge, yet long to live the normal life of a woman in the world. When I’m with my other friends I feel that they only understand me in part. They accept me, and my girlfriends nourish that part of me that is yet beginning to flower. Yet I can feel the distance from my true self. I can feel the small, silent gap between us.
Dear readers, I apologize today for my rambling, and I apologize for the format of this post (to this I blame my new iPad and it’s shiny yet rudimentary goodness). But have you felt this way?
When you’re alone, do you feel the unknown stretching before you, and wonder if you’ll be okay? I’m haunted by the future of being alone, of wandering single within this world, and just the other day I had an experience which gave me hope.
I was standing in the lunch line at work, minding my business, looking forward to the yummy deliciousness the chefs had prepared for me, when someone approached me. I didn’t recognize him, yet he began talking to me – telling me stories, asking me about myself. It took me a moment to realize that he was trying to chat me up. Now, I’d had approaches from men while out clubbing, and been ‘graced’ with their glances before, but never in the stark daylight had I been approached by a real person.
In my shock I stumbled, and mumbled, and probably gave him the impression that I was a stuck up girl. But inside my heart was doing backflips. Now, he wasn’t the Old Spice Guy, but he was talking to me, interested in me. And since then I’ve thought to myself, “It’ll be all right”.
Love is never certain, companionship is a blessing that may not last, but I think, I hope, I pray, I know, that I’ll be alright. It may take a while, but I’ll find that special someone. I guess it took a colleague at work I’d never met to open my eyes.
Hugs and blessings,
Vanessa
P.S. It’s been a few years now since my surgery, and I recently shared a view after transgender surgery.
More Articles by Vanessa Law
- 7 Essential Tips to Crossdressing
- Win a Free Makeup Prize Bundle from Jecca Blac
- A Few Changes in Our Family
- I Want to Live Like That
- Hope in Despair, Light through the Darkness
Vanessa Law
Latest posts by Vanessa Law (see all)
- 7 Essential Tips to Crossdressing - January 4, 2024
- Win a Free Makeup Prize Bundle from Jecca Blac - March 11, 2022
- A Few Changes in Our Family - April 15, 2021
- I Want to Live Like That - August 29, 2020
- Hope in Despair, Light through the Darkness - March 22, 2020
Hi ..l really need help to CD myself ..can’t do it myowen
Thank you for sharing your story . I relate to so much of what you said especially the loneliness and theists future; The feeling of wanting to cry when I feel alone even with other people. I have one question. One thing that ai do not understand and that is the ending of your story about having that man talking to you. I’m not questioning your experience I am trying to deal with my own. I feel like a woman I was born in a male body, but I don’t like men. What I mean is physically I do not… Read more »
Hi Vanessa,. The battle you mention is real. Though my life feels like it is going so well that question of the slight difference tries to plaque us. I was shocked but so excited the other day when an employee mentioned my transition was good on me and that I look very nice. But then my wife was telling me her battle of feelings missing how I use to look as if she wanted me to go back. This made me feel as she wanted me back in bonds. I wonder if the battles we face will ever go away.… Read more »
hi vanessa, i dont know if this is an old post but….. hmmm lonliness, yes, well not strictly. I certainly was before. now ive joined CDH most of that has changed. true, I yearn, god knows I yearn, I yearn for like wise cd friendship in a real situation, actually meeting someone, just once in my life would be cool! twice would be amazing, three times would be a dream 🙂 but I have obstacles lying ahead of me, my mind, trust, courage to name but a few. I have a long way to go in my journey, for me… Read more »
Vanessa
I can relate to your story. Even with the fact that I am bigender not transgender. I stand with you and support you being the true you. I know the struggles well. I was very close to surgery myself. When I realized that I enjoy being both a man and a woman.
Love
Danielle
My journey has just started! You could say I am on the point of now return. I do not know what the future will bring but I am prepared to walk through fire to become female. To give up everything if that’s what it takes. I have been in a committed relationship for 26 years she gives me support but unsure of the challenges ahead and not sure of her bravery if able to face them. While not wishing to be alone I except its fate but know things will be ok for us both. We both have councillors for… Read more »
I can remember, many, many years ago, my first jump off the hi-dive at the local pool. It was a beautiful June day in sunny southern California. President Kennedy had been assassinated the fall befoe, so we are in 1964. I stood at the edge of the board looking down at what seemed miles to the water’s surface. My heart racing, I considered turning back and climbing down the ladder to the safe, solid earth. My friends at the pool were nowhere in sight as I stood there panting. Anonymous voices behind me shouted “Go! Go!." Still, I hesitated. Swallowing… Read more »
Thank you Vanessa for sharing your journey with us. I have been feeling very disconnected from the world. I really don’t know how to explain it, I call it my Different Planet days. I found a series of videos on You Tube, by Jackie Rabbit, and have found them very helpful.