Good evening dear readers,
I must admit that I’ve missed you – I’ve missed your love and support, I’ve missed sharing my stories with you, I’ve missed pouring my emotions and thoughts and ideas out onto the canvas that is the Internet.
My words scream from within me – I’m a transgender woman who has experience sorrow and joy, hope and despair, longing and fulfillment. Yet, even at this stage, I still know that my journey has not even begun. Even as I plan my surgeries, even as I’ve been full time for 6 months, I still know that life has so much more to offer me – so much more lurks ahead.
Yet the future is misty.
I think, sometimes that the future stretches before us, beckoning us to discover what it holds. It’s the first time you share your cross dressing secret with another. It’s the first time you go out in public as a woman. It’s the first time you admit that it is more than a passing fancy. And in that moment you embrace the misty future.
Tonight I feel pensive. My heart is filled with happiness, yet my eyes cry tears of lonely sorrow. It’s how I’ve been feeling lately. I must admit that it’s been a roller coaster of emotions for me – even when I’m with others I feel as though I’m alone. When I’m with my transgender friends I’m embraced by our shared challenge, yet long to live the normal life of a woman in the world. When I’m with my other friends I feel that they only understand me in part. They accept me, and my girlfriends nourish that part of me that is yet beginning to flower. Yet I can feel the distance from my true self. I can feel the small, silent gap between us.
Dear readers, I apologize today for my rambling, and I apologize for the format of this post (to this I blame my new iPad and it’s shiny yet rudimentary goodness). But have you felt this way?
When you’re alone, do you feel the unknown stretching before you, and wonder if you’ll be okay? I’m haunted by the future of being alone, of wandering single within this world, and just the other day I had an experience which gave me hope.
I was standing in the lunch line at work, minding my business, looking forward to the yummy deliciousness the chefs had prepared for me, when someone approached me. I didn’t recognize him, yet he began talking to me – telling me stories, asking me about myself. It took me a moment to realize that he was trying to chat me up. Now, I’d had approaches from men while out clubbing, and been ‘graced’ with their glances before, but never in the stark daylight had I been approached by a real person.
In my shock I stumbled, and mumbled, and probably gave him the impression that I was a stuck up girl. But inside my heart was doing backflips. Now, he wasn’t the Old Spice Guy, but he was talking to me, interested in me. And since then I’ve thought to myself, “It’ll be all right”.
Love is never certain, companionship is a blessing that may not last, but I think, I hope, I pray, I know, that I’ll be alright. It may take a while, but I’ll find that special someone. I guess it took a colleague at work I’d never met to open my eyes.
Hugs and blessings,
P.S. It’s been a few years now since my surgery, and I recently shared a view after transgender surgery.
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