Good evening dear readers,
I must admit that I’ve missed you – I’ve missed your love and support, I’ve missed sharing my stories with you, I’ve missed pouring my emotions and thoughts and ideas out onto the canvas that is the Internet.
My words scream from within me – I’m a transgender woman who has experience sorrow and joy, hope and despair, longing and fulfillment. Yet, even at this stage, I still know that my journey has not even begun. Even as I plan my surgeries, even as I’ve been full time for 6 months, I still know that life has so much more to offer me – so much more lurks ahead.
Yet the future is misty.
I think, sometimes that the future stretches before us, beckoning us to discover what it holds. It’s the first time you share your cross dressing secret with another. It’s the first time you go out in public as a woman. It’s the first time you admit that it is more than a passing fancy. And in that moment you embrace the misty future.
Tonight I feel pensive. My heart is filled with happiness, yet my eyes cry tears of lonely sorrow. It’s how I’ve been feeling lately. I must admit that it’s been a roller coaster of emotions for me – even when I’m with others I feel as though I’m alone. When I’m with my transgender friends I’m embraced by our shared challenge, yet long to live the normal life of a woman in the world. When I’m with my other friends I feel that they only understand me in part. They accept me, and my girlfriends nourish that part of me that is yet beginning to flower. Yet I can feel the distance from my true self. I can feel the small, silent gap between us.
Dear readers, I apologize today for my rambling, and I apologize for the format of this post (to this I blame my new iPad and it’s shiny yet rudimentary goodness). But have you felt this way?
When you’re alone, do you feel the unknown stretching before you, and wonder if you’ll be okay? I’m haunted by the future of being alone, of wandering single within this world, and just the other day I had an experience which gave me hope.
I was standing in the lunch line at work, minding my business, looking forward to the yummy deliciousness the chefs had prepared for me, when someone approached me. I didn’t recognize him, yet he began talking to me – telling me stories, asking me about myself. It took me a moment to realize that he was trying to chat me up. Now, I’d had approaches from men while out clubbing, and been ‘graced’ with their glances before, but never in the stark daylight had I been approached by a real person.
In my shock I stumbled, and mumbled, and probably gave him the impression that I was a stuck up girl. But inside my heart was doing backflips. Now, he wasn’t the Old Spice Guy, but he was talking to me, interested in me. And since then I’ve thought to myself, “It’ll be all right”.
Love is never certain, companionship is a blessing that may not last, but I think, I hope, I pray, I know, that I’ll be alright. It may take a while, but I’ll find that special someone. I guess it took a colleague at work I’d never met to open my eyes.
Hugs and blessings,
Vanessa
P.S. It’s been a few years now since my surgery, and I recently shared a view after transgender surgery.
More Articles by Vanessa Law
- 7 Essential Tips to Crossdressing
- Win a Free Makeup Prize Bundle from Jecca Blac
- A Few Changes in Our Family
- I Want to Live Like That
- Hope in Despair, Light through the Darkness
I have often felt alone in a crowded room. It is the little messages in life like your “man at work" that make me feel I am part of this world. There is a future as sure as the sun rises and everyday contains a small miracle that is ours to discover.Â
 Beautiful dear – a small miracle that is ours to discover – bless you!
 Go, go go.. woman!
I came across with your blog because I’m doing a post about transgenders.
Congrats"
 Thanks Ana!
well I have told a FACE BOOK friend that I cross dress as a woman and now she is ok with that and she is helping me with getting some clothes to wear and she has also started to call me her big sister and has even invited me to her wedding as one of her brides maids
What a wonderful story Emily! I’m so happy for you!
Hello Vanessa?
What a Great posting and thank you for sharing. I look forward to future postings. A fan called Rhonda
Hi Vanessa, what a wonderful expression of emotion, i can sense your eagerness to figure this crazy game of tryin to find someone, we all do it. Its natural, but i think for people like ourselves, who have a lot of emotions, not to mention being feminine that we still have that desire to meet someone and live happy like fairy tales, but i feel from your writing that you r extremely strong. Hell, to goes as far you have in ur transition, you have accomplished so much! Its tricky to figure out if we should try to meet someone… Read more »
Thanks for your support Samantha!
Hugs!!
Hi Vanessa. This is your old friend Darlene from Olympia. You are one the kindest and prettiest people I have ever met. Don’t hesitate to contact me anytime my dear sister. I will write to you on Facebook. Enjoy your journey which is like that of all of us, since we are all alone at the end of the day and just need our humanity recognized.
Love and hugs.
Darlene
Hey hon, good to hear your still exploring your gender identity, and good to hear from you again. *hugs*!
Join up on Crossdresser Heaven and message me! I don’t check my facebook messages as often 🙂
When i was alone for years and sametime it is hard to making friends but it always hope . i try to get women’s hormones tables at the hospital doctors they don’t not give me . i am not give up hope because want to change my life around .
Wow ! Such heart felt emotion Vanessa . I really empathize with you and all the other transgendered women out there who go through such a struggle on a day to day basis . I try really hard to relate but I find it difficult as I can only do this on certain levels . Being a crossdresser who embraces her inner women I can’t imagine what it’s like to know you’re trapped in the wrong body because I’ve never felt that way . I admire you facing your fears and expressing your true self to others and letting the… Read more »
Vanessa’s ramblings are in essence, familiar to most of us…the feellng of being alone in a roomful of people….because we feel that most will reject us for who we really are deep inside. Oh yeah, the future is uncertain for ALL of us…but as I was once taught, one tries, picks oneself up off the floor and tries again…until one at long last tends to either succeed or accept oneself for the situation in which one is finding ourselves. And if one never makes the attempt, one will never ever find a solution and will remain in that everlasting quandary.… Read more »
Oh ju god. I totally get what you are saying. My response and this is a response to myself not a criticism of you in anyway is that I am going to be female no matter how my body is or no matter what I wear. Right now I am 59. My body is strong. I sometimes spend a lot of time hiding my maleness and dressing up female because I like it. It makes me feel positive and confident. I’m not accepted by a lot of people. I don’t consider myself a cross dresser. I don’t have a female… Read more »
Hi Vanessa! It’s Heather! I just wanted to let you know that I very much enjoy your posts and news bits! I find them reassuring and interesting! I do have one thing I would like to share with you. Actually, it’s kind of a delema. I am a 44 year old cd who met an older gentleman on line a few weeks ago. He lives alone in Colorado and we have been chatting on and off to get to know each other. He was asking the usual questions such as how long have I been doing this,what do I like… Read more »
Thank you Vanessa your writing mean so much .