It’s been awhile since I’ve contributed an article. I think part of being the Managing Editor is letting others use their voice instead of taking up space. I also see the trends of the current and more active members. After nearly three years on CDH and two on TGH, I’ve seen and read a few things that have caused me to reflect. The Covid-19 pandemic changed the world and how we (as in being a crossdresser or transgender) have also needed to adapt.
The real me is that burning question I seek an answer to daily. It has never been fully answered, not even close, nor do I believe I’ll ever be satisfied with the current “answer of the moment”—it changes to fit the times. Until this past week, I hadn’t touched anything feminine (CD wise) since January 2nd. The winter is my time to let Brina shine the most, and it started out that way. I was keeping tabs on eBay and making lists of things I wanted to purchase, even planning on taking that next step and seeing a therapist—looking forward to doing so as I was certain it was time. I dreamed Brina thoughts all the time and wanted to take some small steps to make her more real than layers of makeup and imagination.
And then…she nearly disappeared within a two-day period. Off came the pretty glued-on nails, clothes, accessories, and wigs as they were downsized to fit into two suitcases and her shoes were stored in boxes under the bed. My blended drawers of male and female clothing became all male. Brina had physically stepped aside and gave the body control back to my male self. She has never left me mentally as I am equally her in my mind. For the last 7 months, I didn’t cringe when I looked in the mirror and saw the beard growing (I still kept my eyebrows neatly trimmed) or the hair on my arms, legs, and torso. I never once said that she was gone; this was different. I did purge some extras and threw out some old makeup, but I kept the core that is Brina. I just wasn’t, and I didn’t have the desire to do more than share my thoughts with her. She is a part of me, and she helps me to navigate this thing we call our life.
I have no explanation for the utter reversal of direction. It was for the best as the male me had some serious health issues during the spring and some lingering ones still. I wonder if Brina is psychic and knew they were going to happen and that it would be best for the male me to tackle them. I committed to sharing this body and life with her nearly seven years ago. To let the future unfold as it would and face the consequences—not to force them for the sake of proving something (passing in public without being recognized) or pushing for changes, when I didn’t know what the real me is supposed to be. Maybe Brina wanted to give me some personal time to reflect, to see if I wanted the pre-January path to continue or to alter its direction.
As the boxes and suitcases were packed and stored away, but never out of reach or out of mind, they were recently opened and Brina smiled a glossy pink smile—albeit surrounded by facial hair, but it was her smile in the mirror. As I slipped on a pair of her favorite heels, I could hear her inner-voice calmly reminding me that this is our life to walk together, no matter where or for how long. I’m an anxious person by nature and that makes me introverted. Brina has increased my anxieties but she has also brought an overall calming influence to me. There is always the fear of being caught and forced into life-altering changes, including the path of some form of transition—if that becomes the answer to the real me. I don’t know, yet. I have no idea. Okay; I have some idea of the real me. I know that being 100% male isn’t, not even 80% or even 70%. It starts getting fuzzier after that.
The real me? I’m kind or try to be, compassionate and empathetic—I cry easily, I’m attracted to femininity and not just gender, and I’d love to find someone to share my life with that is accepting of my uncertainties. It’s taken a long time to squash the labels and expectations of my generation and those from before to see the world as belonging to one race—the human race. There doesn’t need to be any other label, period.
Like many of us, I’m jealous of those who can or who are better adapt at becoming female or presenting as such. If women think they have body issues they should try being a six-foot, slightly overweight man who wears a size 13 woman’s shoe and dreams of being petite and pretty with access to all the wonderful shoes size 9 or smaller. We are a continuous body-shamming group, desiring to be one of the five percent, the modelesque epitome of femininity. I’m not happy with my male body, and I’m surely not happy with its female look. I will admit that I have nice legs and smaller, slender hands, but unless I hide the tummy and wear the right styles for me, I can look like a tall, pregnant chicken on a good day. I’m not even going to mention the severe farmer’s tan I’ve got going—no sundress for me anytime soon.
Back to the REAL ME. There has been an explosion recently of gender-altered photos being used as representation of what we wish to be or in some cases, being used to falsely represent who we are. I’m on Flickr, too and there are so many pictures that have been photoshopped or gender-swapped that the real person and who they could be with years of hormones and exercise are being replaced by unrealistic and artificial expectations. I get it. I want to be that adorable 30 year old minx with large breasts, a perfect body, and pouty lips. Oh…and the button nose and large oval eyes. It ain’t goin’ to happen. I’m also not saying don’t dream, but if you post fantasy, be honest about it and say so.
We tell our wives, sisters, daughters, mothers, and all other women that they are beautiful just the way they are and to quit trying to fit the 5% mode. We can all get better at doing our makeup to enhance and draw attention to the features that show well and to hide those that don’t. We can learn how to use camera angles to show us best. We can wear the type of clothing and hair styles that makes us look (in my case) like the mature and classy office manager and not a poor attempt at doing sexy for sexy sake; I’m never going to be a pinup or look good in lingerie. Trust me, the right clothes, the right presentation, and the right attitude will convey all the sexy that is needed. We need to curtail some of the negative perceptions that the world has of crossdressers. I’m not saying that we should dress our age, but instead, we should dress to what we can respectfully pull off. “Emulation is the best form of flattery.”
The real me is a mixed-up blend that isn’t going to provide me any answers soon. I can realistically dream what I might be 10 years from now and take the steps to work towards that dream, let it happen as it will, or fight it and keep pretending that I’m something that I’m not. A little fantasy is a good thing; living only in a fantasy isn’t. I’m already hiding behind my makeup and wigs, I don’t need to become an avatar that isn’t me or isn’t realistically possible. I need to push out into the real world, let Brina feel the wind in her hair (she wants a little red convertible), and find some needed answers to who is the real me and what our place in the world is going to be together.
As always, be kind, be humble, and be safe J
Thanks so much for the great article. Hit a lot of points that I can identify with. Love the picture, very classy. Kind of look I am gong for.
Thank you for the kind compliment.
Great article Brina! More and more I am letting the folks around me see “the real me"- about 40% of the folks at the bar I lay league pool at know about Cyn now and have been accepting even if they don’t always understand it. Likewise I am letting Cyn peek through even stealth Cyn mode -helped by my hair being my own- and wearing more femme earrings now too. I have also made it a point to never post any altered or photoshoppedor enhanced pics of Cyn on site- what you see is what you get (though naturally i… Read more »
Thank you as well for everything that you do!!! I appreciate the comments. Maybe someday (hopefully in the not too distant future) I’ll care much less about what others might think and dip my painted toenails into the water…
Thank you for the intresting article. These past few months have been crazy for all. I can relate because I have done the same, maybe not for such a long period of time. Thank you for sharing and encouraging those like myself who are not as brave and out as you are, your an inspiration to me. Grace and Peace be with you sister.
Thank you for the kind compliment 🙂
Great article, Brina! I can totally relate to most of this, especially the part about how Lexi sometimes retreats almost fully. What I’ve learned is to never be lulled into thinking she won’t be coming back! That’s what keeps me from every taking and sort of irreversible step towards transition, I’ve never been convinced that I’m one or the other, but both. I typically describe myself as gender-fluid these days, which to me means I can move back and forth, depending on how I’m feeling on any given way. Reject the gender binary! Also agreed on the living… Read more »
I appreciate the kind comments! Thanks, Lexi. I tend to agree with you on NOT defining myself as to one or the other. For lack of a better way to say it, “I’m just me. I’m just not sure what the finished product is going to look like."
Sabrina, I can understand the lessening of desire to CD. At my age and the long time I was away from it I need to embrace my fem side more. Earlier this year I had my hair colored and the next day had my ears pierced. Then on 2 consecutive weeks spent a little time walking 2 different malls totally in fem. I now want more and more. I see you are an Iowa girl, me too. It is my belief that even in central Ia people are to busy with their own lives to really care much what others… Read more »
Thanks for the kind comments, Sandy 🙂 I’m back to being (me) nearly every day. It’s how I start my mornings doing computer things and enjoying my coffee. I hope to be more in shape by time spring hits this year and shed some of the last couple of years added weight. I need to buy a couple of pairs of flats or a low-heeled boot to wear going out. That would help. Hard to do when heels are what drives you…lol. Iowa is fairly safe; I’ve spent time out there, just not recently as I haven’t felt the need… Read more »
You and everyone here at CDH are such an inspiration for all. I know I did somethings this last year that I never would have considered doing Christmas 2019. In Sept I went to Ulta in Des Moines completely in fem and had my hair colored, then walked the connected mall for almost an hour. I was not worried even though I have a daughter a brother and a Niece that live there. The following week I went to walk the mall in Ames again in fem. I was a little worried, I work in Ames. My route ( I… Read more »
Thank you, Sandy 🙂
I’m glad for you. I think that it’s great that you are reaching for the things that matter to you. That should always be one’s goal. I totally agree with you on the being found out notion. If it happens…so be it. I’ve dealt with much worse.
Take care.
I am becoming more and more aware of the bias coming from many. I can honestly say, that sometimes the whole issue is more than I can deal with, and so I put the old wall up,and pretend my S.O doesn’t have the right to feel. Even though I have still not ( nor do I see me changing my mind about the fidelity) the more I read, the more I feel that the love, and trust, along with patience and understanding on both parts, is extremely damaged, and needs to be repaired, and we can continue with our marriage,… Read more »
Hi Sabrina I loved your article and can relate to a lot of your experience. My problem is currently with this site. Besides chat and photos, I find it difficult to be interactive on this site I have worn female underwear since I was a boy and 20 or so years ago my wife was an active participant in my CD. She did my make up bought my clothes dressed me. She was happy to be both my husband and girlfriend. After she passed away I continued to under dress but I gained weight and decided I was too ugly… Read more »
Billie, Thank you for your comments and your concerns. I agree that there are many avenues on this site and that sometimes it is difficult to navigate to where you might find the best place to be. I generally only visit the pictures and the articles. I’ve not ventured much into the chat area and occasionally into the forum section. You might first try posting in an existing forum; there are so many. Another thing to consider is asking for help. Under the 3 dashes next to the magnifying glass symbol, you’ll find a submenu for ambassadors. Ask one of… Read more »
What a pleasure to read. Your write well, Brina 🙂
Thanks, Alexandra 🙂 If I only could speak as well as I write…