The picture above is the first one I have submitted to this forum without any alterations. On the previous two, I used a SnapChat feminization filter that made me look younger and prettier than I actually am. I used it for two reasons: I liked the way it made me look, and my wife asked me not to go public with my real image.
We’ve been married more than 41 years. To my shame and sorrow, I did not tell her about Moira. Instead, we played out the game so many of us have had to play. Inevitably, she found my girl things and confronted me. Her first question: “Is there another woman?” Realizing I had no choice, I told her the truth: I am a crossdresser. Every person reading this can predict the next two questions: “Are you gay?” and “Do you want to become a woman?” My answer to both was, “no.” Since then we have talked about Moira quite a lot, and now my wife accepts this part of me. She buys me scarves and lotions. Last week, we went to the thrift store together. She bought a pair of boots, a pair of jeans, a skirt and a top – all for herself. I (in guy mode) got a cute top with a pink floral pattern over a navy background. The clerk didn’t blink.
My wife has clearly expressed her honest feelings about Moira. She would prefer not to see me in girl mode. She doesn’t want our family—or anybody not connected with the CD community, for that matter—to know about this side of me. I can (and do) go out in public, but not in our town. When I go out, I may not wear my wig until I’ve driven well away from our neighborhood. And so on. I accept these rules because she has accepted me. All of me. I consider this a good bargain and I honor it.
The other times I have posted photos here I received flattering comments about my appearance. I tried to respond to all of them individually, making it clear the images of me they mention do not show the reality of my actual appearance. One person even challenged a memory I related about a certain event in our national past. “You can’t possibly be old enough to remember that,” she said. “Well yes, I can,” I replied, because, again, I used a filter for that image. When I told my wife about these interactions, she asked, “Why don’t you put up a picture of the real you? I don’t care if a crossdressers’ forum sees you.”
So here you go.
I do NOT want anybody thinking I see myself, or my marriage, as exemplary. But I would like to lift up one thing for your consideration. Over the course of our time together, my wife and I have gone from me hiding Moira from her, to the big reveal and the feelings of betrayal it created in her, to begrudging acceptance, to support and even permission to explore Moira’s identity. How did this happen? Honest communication. And more honest communication.
If you have not already started down this path with your significant other, I encourage you to try doing so. The reward is likely worth the risk.
Moira, I’m relatively new here, I went back and read your articles and saw both your older and current pictures and you are beautiful! Thanks for the articles. My wife is accepting and while she has seen Rachel dressed, she prefers not to. I do my best to ensure my clothes, and makeup are all put away before she comes home. This is a challenge and I find myself revisiting my path at least twice to make sure I don’t leave anything, even a towelette with makeup on it visible, sometimes in a rush just before she returns. Going out… Read more »
Rachel, thanks for your kind and affirming response. I just went back and read all three of my posts and I saw how large a part my wife played in them all. I must kind of like her! 😉 She clearly loves me and I am one lucky person. And when I say “one”, I mean both sides of me. Thanks again.
This. I relate 100%! At the time it seemed like a decent compromise, but the stress of covering your tracks is starting to get old…
A lovely encouraging story Moira.
I have gone through the same sequence of discussions with my wife and we are at the point where I have dressed in her presence and gone shopping with her. She even met the woman who does my makeovers. I cannot agree with you more about the need for more and more honest discussion.
Thanks Leslie! And I’m happy for you.
Moira – Thank you for sharing your story. It is nice to hear that your wife has accepted you for who you are. Like you when I came out to my wife she asked me the same questions and I replied the same way. She felt betrayed and didn’t want to talk about it for some time. Eventually she spoke with someone and we started to talk. She recommended therapy for me to understand my feelings. I’ve been in therapy since and it has helped me tremendously. My wife has become more accepting and has bought clothes and make up… Read more »
Thank you so much–especially for that last line! My wife says that when people see Moira but don’t get a good look at my face, they think, “That’s a tall woman!" I am happy that you and your wife care enough to put in the work. I have high hopes for your relationship.
Thank you Moira – as you know it is a work in progress – I always hope I’ll be able to do some of the things you mention – as the saying goes “patience is a virtue" – I am able to do more now than I was before and appreciate that I can – one day at a time
XOXO
Suzanne
Moira, thank you for sharing such a wonderful story relating your wife’s acceptance of your crossdressing.. the photo of the “real” Moira is very elegant… unfortunately, my wife met Leonara by accident and of course she felt betrayed . We talked.. I answered the questions “no not gay” and once in awhile I prefer to present my feminine alter ego…she has mentioned CD is a part of me which she continues to process and for now prefers that I dress when she is not home… that is a compromise that has kept our 50 years marriage status quo… Moira ,… Read more »
And you give yours a hug, too!
Moira your story gives me hope I have been attracted to women’s clothing since I was very young like others I would wear my sister’s clothes when ever I had the chance after getting married I would occasionally try on some of my wife’s clothes I know how wrong that was. I now have my own wardrobe and have been out in public many times but have still not had the talk with my wife recently I have been thinking it’s time she knows the truth about my Crossdressing and thanks to stories like yours I will find the courage.… Read more »
Only you can know how she might react, but if it is at all possible I think telling her is far better than her discovering it on her own. Courage!
Moira,
First of all, you are lucky to be married to such a special lady.
Second of all, you look lovely as your real self.
Thanks for telling us your story.
Fiona
Yes, I am fortunate. And thanks for the compliment.
Thanks for sharing.
Moira: What a delightful picture. The charm and poise you exude remind me of another Maura of Rizzoli and Isles fame. I found your story compelling in that I am of a similar age. In my case it was my wife who insisted on bringing out my ‘girl’ side, which I was unaware of, as I was of a macho jock mindset, only to then have her dump me for the best man from our wedding. Albeit only after completely emasculating me before friends, family and associates in a manner that changed my life dramatically, in that I went from… Read more »
Wow. So much sadness. I am impressed by your resiliency. I cannot “chat" as that would involve sharing an email address and that violates my wife’s and my agreement. Happy to go back and forth in these comments, though I am not sure how many people can see what we might share. And the historical event was the funeral parade for JFK.
Dear Moira: I understand the established boundaries in regards to your wife’s desires and I respect them, especially in light of some of the dramatic changes I willingly went through in trying to keep the woman I loved placated. Unfortunately in my case my former wife at the time was not willing to reciprocate with anything approaching a quid-pro-quo, for at the end of the day it was all her way or the highway, resulting in my unconditionally surrendering to all her terms. Ones that not only included a trio of changes of a emasculating physical nature, but an even… Read more »
Moira, I’m glad you and your wife have what you have. And that goes for all of you who have had the talk and who’s wives have let your feminine selves into your marriages, in some shape or form. My problem is, that seeing me as Raquel would not make my wife happy. In fact, it would probably make her unhappy. And that goes against my commitment to being the one in her life who should always have her happiness in mind, foremost. I shared a two-part article about some little things that exposed bits and pieces of Raquel over… Read more »