The site was down.
Several times over the past few months, I have tried to sign on to the site, but was greeted with a 521 error that it was down. I know this happens from time to time with any website but it really hit me one day. I started thinking about why it upsets me so much when I can’t get onto CDH. I know some people may see this anxiety as a sign of weakness-an inability to deal with real life. They point out that we don’t even know whether those online are really who they say they are.
And I must acknowledge that this is a true statement… but I also know that for every person who is NOT being genuine (and I know we have seen some of those on our site as will any online community) there is another person who like me has found a home here that accepts me for all of who I am. I have spent the first five decades of my life hiding who I really am, and it is in this community that I have been able to let the girl within me express herself for the first time. Years of repressing her have left scars that are only slowly beginning to heal-some of those scars have come from the words of others but many of them were self-inflicted. Hating myself for being different and having these feelings but then hating myself even more for not accepting that those same feelings are what has made me the person I am today and that the person I am IS worthy of being loved.
The ladies on this site have been my guardian angels. Their words of support and love-of which I feel so unworthy-have made the difference between survival and a life of loneliness and despair. They have provided me with a reason for going on in life. The joy I get in sharing in their successes and the heartbreak I feel in sharing in their setbacks are equally important in giving me a sense of purpose. By being there for them, I feel like I make at least a little difference in the world-and isn’t that all I can really ask for in life? The knowledge that someone else is happy and successful (or at the least a little less sad) because of something I did? I realize it may only be in my imagination, but it does help me to get through each day.
Well the site is currently running like a well-oiled machine, and so I’ll close this out for now, but thanks to the down time. I was reminded of how precious the gift of the site has been and will continue to be. I will not take for granted the friends and confidants I have found here and I will thank God every day for leading me here. I love each and every one of you that has let me be even a small part of your life and know that you are each a huge part of mine. I can’t wait to see what the future holds! And I know I will have I will face it with a huge smile because I have all of you to share it with!