When you look in the mirror, do you like what you see?  Is your answer influenced by “the standard” of beauty that is portrayed in the media and everywhere else we look?

I started to ask myself this question a few months ago.

I have been crossdressing since I was ten years old.  I guess I didn’t realize it then, but even when I was younger, I always wanted to look a certain way when dressed — that which I was told was the best way to look.  Recently, with the support of my spouse, I have been able to express myself fully including wig, makeup and any and all of the other feminine accoutrements of which you can think.  All of a sudden, instead of dressing to express myself and for fun and enjoyment, I have been trying to live up to some standard of beauty by which I’ve been surrounded since my childhood.  And what’s more, it is a standard that changes with the times!

As a spouse, I have been frustrated in the past that my wife felt she had to live up to some fictitious standard either in order to be enough or in order to be accepted by others.  I have worked furiously to let her know that I love her no matter what, and “the standard” of beauty that she is putting on herself is irrelevant to our relationship.  I think many of us who are feminine or have a feminine side have been frustrated at the lies that we have seen the other women in our lives tell themselves because of societal standards.

Even though it is easy for me to convey this with my words to my spouse, I did not understand until now why she continued to struggle with it.  It is harder to convince myself when I look in the mirror that I don’t need to look a certain way when I am en femme.  I have to remind myself that “the standard” of beauty that society gives us is the goal, and not something that makes me more or less valuable as a woman.  Who I am should not be based on how I look.

As I have continued to grow each day, I understand this dichotomy a little better.  I am learning how to to be who I want to be, which may or may not look like “the standard” of beauty that I see around me everyday.  Staying true to myself means understanding what motivates me to do what I do.  As soon as I find myself thinking “I’m not good enough” or “I wish I was that way”, I have to check my motivations.

Much of who I am as a woman has been influenced by the wonderful women in my life.  They have come in all shapes, sizes, styles, and personalities.  The more I look in the mirror, the more I examine myself and truly seek to understand my motivations, and the more I understand who I am apart from “the standard.”  Some of the things I like and some of my style may fit with what the world says is “how it should be”, but some may not.  As long as I can keep these thoughts in front of me, I can avoid going down the rabbit hole of living up to something that isn’t me.

If we are really honest with ourselves, and really explore why we do the things we do, then we may be able to find who we are deep down, outside of the pressure of “the standard” that has been set by others.  That is when we can truly be free.

  1. Sarah Anne 2 years ago

    Awesome article. The conforming to the “standard” is a never ending battle. It effects all females whether GG, CD or TG etc. It is hard to see what the world is throwing at you and trying to look that way. I am a firm believer to always find your inner beauty and and go with it regardless of what the world thinks. I know, easier said than done.

    Sarah Anne

    • Author
      Nia 2 years ago

      Thanks Sarah, the struggle with it seems to be easier when I know that there are many others out there stuggling with it too and we can ban together:)

  2. Bronwyn 2 years ago

    The two phrases that i use all the time. “I’m not good enough, and “I wish I was that way”, descibes me well. I have used them many times here, especially after looking at the lovely photo’s of the ladies i chat to. Being an introvert doesn’t help at all. Thats how it has been for the 30 or so years i have been a cd, a closet cd at that, and at my age i can’t see that changing. Bronwyn

    • Author
      Nia 2 years ago

      It’s hard to refute those voices in our heads for sure. It gets easier once you have someone else in your life who can confirm that in fact you are good enough as you are. That seems to have been the key for me. I know not everyone is as lucky to have someone in their personal life to support them, but know that you have a community here that says “you are good enough” as you are and will support you. Thanks for being a part of this community and being vulnerable.

  3. Thanks for a great article Eva. I believe that only by being true o our elves can the workd see the beauty that is a soul at peace with herself!

    • Author
      Nia 2 years ago

      Absolutely Cyn,
      I’m so glad this community exists to help find rest and peace within my soul!

  4. Krista 2 years ago

    Hi Eva, Thanks so much for the article. I really enjoyed reading The Standard. It is really great that your spouse supports your crossdressing. You have a nice, easy-to-read writing style.
    While my wife tolerates my dressing in our home to a certain degree, she really doesn’t want our neighbors or other family members to see me. When she is out of town, I have no problem going public en femme and being true to who I am. I’ve been chipping away very slowly when she is at home and am making some progress with certain outfits.
    One of the benefits I have of being newly retired from work is being able to snub society standards. No more bosses telling me I have to get my hair cut (I used to work for a 9-member Board). But having to wait until you retire is not the answer. I like your attitude. Looking forward to your next article.
    Hugs, Krista

    • Author
      Nia 2 years ago

      It’s nice to hear that society’s “standards” don’t weigh you down as much now that you’re retired. Thanks for your kind words and I look forward to participating more in this community of lovely people!

  5. Lea 2 years ago

    Great article Eva!

    So much of being or dressing like a woman seems to do with “look” and “feel”. For me, when I crossdress, I like to “look” put-together and that leads me to “feel” like I’m really myself. Even when in guy mode and pairing up some flats or a purse, if my “look” is right, then I’ll “feel” happy and free.

    – Lea

    • Author
      Nia 2 years ago

      I totally agree Lea. Finding that comfortability with who you are is key. It’s definitely taken me some time to understand what actually motivates me in my style and dress. As I’ve understood it better, I’ve been able to leave that standard further and further behind for who I am. Thanks for your comment!

  6. Kim Paige 2 years ago

    Thanks. I find this very relevant not only to my life as Kim; but overall. I find myself constantly looking to measure up to standards set, without recognizing it’s as much about the journey, as the destination. If I focus excessively on perceived past shortcomings, and fears of falling short; I miss the beauty in the moment.



    • Author
      Nia 2 years ago

      Absolutely Kim. I’m glad you made this comment. Beauty in the moment is so hard to see if we focus on the ultimate/best/perfect picture that we rarely see in real life. Beauty can bee seen in so many different places and things and people and the reminder to live within that moment to find it is so helpful. Thanks!

  7. Brittany 2 years ago

    Being 6’4′ and 210 lbs I do not fit the standard at all. I have been cross dressing for 0ver 50 yrs. And have had a few good friends along the way but none that are still around. I loved my long hair when I had it. Now it is wigs. Finding clothes that fit right is almost impossible. I really feel for the over 6′ women in this world. I have searched for years for clothes to fit.
    I have had to be happy with what I can find that I can make fit to my liking.
    To have a friend that lets you be you is awesome. I miss that.

  8. Dana 2 years ago

    Good article. The beauty standard is hard to conform to and takes dedication to do. Acquiring clevage naturally is one thing, breast forms are are another. I am twenty and focusing on growing my hair and trying to naturally grow clevage with advice from a friend(who is older than me) who had small breasts a couple years ago and now has a fuller bust. But it should be about your happiness more than the standard.


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