My journey probably started like so many others. I was nine years old and it was the 1970s.  I was never into the boy things, such as motorbikes and sports, and always wanted to hang around with the girls or just sit by myself and admire how they dressed.  It was a fascination with their outfits and especially their pantyhose. The feelings and sensations were just overwhelming when I got to touch legs in pantyhose for the first time. I actually wanted to be the one wearing the pantyhose and feeling feminine. My mom had a lot of friends who were always over at our house for coffee and they adored me. I loved to sit on their lap with that feeling of their pantyhose on my bare legs. I would admire their makeup and jewelry and how their perfume smelled.

Mom had this white dress with grey polka dots. It was short and tight from the waist up and had a three layer ruffle from the waist down and was made with a kind of nylon material. She would wear it with a pair of white heels, grey mist pantyhose, and a white cardigan. To this day it remains my most favourite outfit. One day, I was at home and mom went over the road to visit a neighbor and I could not wait anymore. I had to try it on. I was quickly trying to get the pantyhose on without tearing it and then the dress whilst admiring myself in the mirror. OMG, I was in heaven. At the same time, I was so scared as I looked out the window to watch if mom was coming home. I completely lost track of time and when I looked out the window there was my mom on our front lawn. I had seven seconds to get out of the dress and pantyhose and have them back in place in the dresser and wardrobe. When mom opened the front door, there I was running from her room into my room wearing just my underpants. I came so so close to being caught that first time and can laugh about it now but looking back it was the scariest time ever. Mom was probably wondering why I was in her room and why her pantyhose was stretched like it had been worn and her wardrobe door was open with the white dress not where it was last time.  She questioned me but it never went any further and I’m sure she knew but never talked about it. I was way too scared to ever attempt it again yet I couldn’t stop. At the same time, the feelings just grew stronger.

It was at that stage when I knew I was different. I honestly thought there was something wrong with me. I never knew other boys did the same. I thought it was just me. Back then, there was no Internet so I was alone in my thoughts and the guilt took over. I tried playing sports and do normal boy things. I pushed away the feelings of wanting to dress up and left it to just admiring girls and women.

When I was in my early 20s and lived away from home, the feeling hit me again. Even though I lived with others I had some privacy and I could keep some clothes hidden in my room. Still not having access to the Internet, I went shopping and that created another fear; how to buy women’s clothes. As I had little money, my very first time buying clothes was at a thrift store. There I could buy five skirts for $20 to $30 and have complete outfits. The story I came up with was that I was buying for my girlfriend but didn’t have much money. The lady was so helpful and after my very first purchase, I used the same story at different thrift stores. Before long I was hooked on buying outfits only to find I was not that good at sizing and often bought things that were way too small or way too big. I kept those clothes hidden in my room and would take time off of work to be alone through the day just so I could dress.

Then I fell in love with a girl so everything went into the bin and Mandy got put aside. Over the years after every relationship ended along came a whole new wardrobe. Then I’d fall in love again, purge it all and when that ended, I’d be off shopping again. Each time I bought a new wardrobe I got better at sizing. Then along came the Internet and wow a whole new world opened up only to find love and purge again.

My last relationship was eight years ago and at any other time in a relationship, I forgot about Mandy.  In my last relationship, however, Mandy was always in the back of my mind and was stronger than ever. I even tried on my partner’s things when I was alone and was missing being able to be Mandy even more. Although I was sad when I ended the relationship, Mandy was there to keep me sane. Mandy was this kind beautiful soul that wanted acceptance. She wanted to be explored deeper, to be admired and I knew after that last relationship it was time I truly explored Mandy to the fullest. Leaving that relationship meant starting over with nothing, moving away, getting a new job, creating a new lifestyle and having to work really hard to get to where I needed to be. I needed a house to myself to dress fully. I needed money to buy a whole new wardrobe. I needed to come out of the closet even just a little bit (having my makeup done professionally and being able to post photos of Mandy to say here I am). It all came down to money and when I finally had enough money for a wardrobe I was happy with, I had my first proper photo’s taken to post on social media. I still was sharing a house with a friend but Mandy was now back in full force and I vowed to never ever get rid of my wardrobe again. I finally have my own place. I’m now at the start of a wonderful time in my life. The moral of this story is don’t ever give up on your dreams.

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Mandy williams

Hi im a 47y/o CD who has been dressing on and off since i was very young, over the years i have been involved in relationships where my dressing stopped and even had to get rid of all my wardrobe and a couple of years ago i rebuilt a huge wardrobe of clothes and told myself if i ever became involved in a relationship again it would have to be with a woman that accepts Mandy i have spent my whole life in the closet and i have missed out on so much and now its time i lived my dreams of meeting with other cd's for friendship and fun, feel free to message and chat anytime warm regards Mandy

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  1. Well written, Mandy! I didn’t go through the binge -purge cycle but my dressing DID wax and wane over the years until l about the same age you reached when it began to increase exponentially! Now I stealth dress at work and dress most of the time I’m not at work and enjoy every minute of it!

  2. Author
    Mandy williams 2 years ago

    Thank you so much for your kind words Cynthia i really appreciate it
    I guess when i wrote it i have never had that opportunity to be able to share my past anywhere as and i really appreciate the help i was given with my article and finally be able to share some of who Mandy is and how she became a big part of who i am
    Thank you for the support Cynthia
    Hugs Mandy x

  3. Sahi saheli 2 years ago

    I feel everybody in fact mom’s dress first because she is our first woman and her beauty fascinate us.I too used wear her bodies feel high and enriched by the feeling being something different.Good experience narrated by.
    Hug & kiss

  4. Carla 2 years ago

    I’m so happy for you Mandy. It’s similar to my experience, apart from the final part. For 35 years I have cross dressed but never had the courage to be “out”. It’s still part of my life and long one day to be able to live my true life. It’s caused me so many issues I feel it will never happen. Your story was so positive, it gave me hope.
    Best wishes,

    • Author
      Mandy williams 2 years ago

      Thank you Carla and i am so happy you found some positive from my story as that was what i hoped most for when i wrote it, I am in NO way out of the closet lol i have had a professional makeover done in a private setting but still never been out dressed in public but one day soon i really hope to

      Hope you are well, warm regards Mandy

  5. Rozalyne Richards 2 years ago

    Hi mandy I’ve been dressing secretly now for over 50 years I’m still in the closet i started when i was about 8 or 9 years old but i didn’t wear my mother’s clothes i have an older sister i used to wear her clothes I thought i was odd that i like wearing her clothes i thought i was the only one who did this that’s why i did it in secret i gave it all up when i got married and had a family but in the last few years the urge to dress up is greater now than ever before but i still do it in secret I’m afraid to come out of the closet in case my wife rejects me x hugs Rozalyne x

    • Author
      Mandy williams 1 year ago

      Hi Rozalyne

      I feel it is the same for so many of us and in our younger days we all thought we were the only ones and until i first heard about crossdresser’s i felt so alone and to know others out there did the same as me felt a wonderful comfort, i here you and truly understand your situation, i can imagine how hard it can be being that you are married and being so scared of your Wife finding out i remember being so scared in my last relationship although i kept my wardrobe in a storage locker so she could not find it there was still that fear of her knowing my secret and hating me for it, as it turned out for me i was very unhappy in my relationship and decided to part ways to find my happiness and although hard what makes me most happy is being single where i can dress when i feel like it but that certainly is not for everyone, some people have told me i am so lucky because i can dress whenever i want but at times i can say i truly miss that intimacy and friendship i had in my relationships but only those of us with an accepting partner are lucky enough to have both

      I hope my story has been of help in some ways and I’m always here for a chat

      Best wishes Hugs Mandy x

  6. Marianne 1 year ago

    Nice to read your story Mandy. I embraced the girl inside me at a very young age and started wearing my mother’s skirts and dresses about 12 years old. I purged once on my wife’s request but won’t do that again. Marianne is here to stay as long as I can keep her going.

  7. Tiamariemartinez 1 year ago

    Hello. My name us tiamarie I’ve been crossdressing over 30yrs started around 14yrs old .in my older sisters bra panties. Rember when my mother would go shopping for us for clothes and buy her bras panties and how jealous I really really was and upset cause I wanted to wear them also .as I got older my sister moved out after high school to college. But she had lots of her clothes still at home .so when I had chance I’d go to her room and take out some of her bras panties wear them .now at this time I’m 17 yrs old dressing on and off till I turned 19 .started wearing makeup. Learning from watching mother do hers in morning getting ready for work. So I’m home alone and the urge to dress is telling me yes .so I go to her room to dress do my makeup hair .feeling very very femmine and happy all buy my self .then I’m in living room and front door opens who else walks in but my MOTHER .OMG .I THOUGHT SHE WAS GOING TO KILL ME .she stood there in shock and said omg Tim you look so pretty. Well that nite after diner she asked me how long I’ve been crossdressing and I told her .she said why .I said cause I feel so so much happier. Then she asked me why I never told her .she said your my child if this makes you happy then you can dress anytime you want. It’s ok with me .couple weeks later on a weekend mother asked if I would love to get dressed and go to the .mall .omg yes I said mshe said good get showerd and she would pick me out an outfit to wear .and help me with my hair and makeup. Omg from that day on she always loved me no matter if I’m tiamarie or Tom .she was so supportive of my .feelings. today I’m more tiamarie than Tom and not embarrassed or ashamed of it I’m a GIRL FOR LIFE NO TURNING BACK

  8. Louise Freedom 1 year ago

    Hi Ladies…So many of us have the same story and after reading some of these, I thought I might share a little of my life. I was born in the early 50’s and I can remember as far back as I can my fascination with girls and their beauty. My only difference was I wanted to one of them and enjoy all of the things that they experienced in their lives. It would have been fabulous to feel my body grow and develop into one of Gods greatest creatures. I think of what it would have felt like to sit in front of mirror doing my makeup and curling my hair and for that being completely normal. I can only dream of all of those wonderful moments in life that I missed and pray that possibly in my next life I will be as I should be. Whenever I walk pass women today, doing whatever, I will say under my breath…you don’t know how lucky you are to be you.

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