The thrill is gone, or is it?
I’m feeling a bit different about my dressing the last few months. Something has changed and it’s not entirely bad. Oh, don’t worry, I’m not about to do a purge or something radical like that!
This feeling seems to be similar like the first marvelous highs of infatuation one gets with a new lover, then if all works out and you stay with the person and infatuation is replaced with something else deeper and more meaningful.
Make no mistake though it’s not like I’m new to this, as I have been dressing on and off since my first experiments with my mom’s bras, corsets and slips when I was about 12. Although I did give it up for a long time and then only dabbled with dressing for many years after that.
However, it was around three years ago that Amy first really started to emerge from her male cocoon which brought with her a myriad of conflicts and anxieties. First the internal struggle as to what is happening to me? I felt like I was being pulled down a rabbit hole into a new world I’d only dreamed of before. I had thought how wonderful it might be to get fully and properly dressed and made up for over 20 years or even 30 years ago. I don’t really remember when that thought first came into my mind and it really doesn’t matter now I suppose. At the time I didn’t realize there was such a large community like this which I knew nothing about and was too afraid to go and look. All this was either pre internet or when it was in its early days of development.
What does matter is something inside of me needed to break through, and that was scary to say the least! Then my wife was so afraid she was going to lose me in some form and I was afraid I would lose her too. We have been like soulmates ever since our first date nearly 40 years ago. That all took some time to sort out, however, we did reach a happy equilibrium in our lives again.
While all that was happening, I was slowly spreading my feminine wings. New clothes, skirts, bras, tops, shopping in person and being rather terrified at doing it too. This all brings the kind of adrenalin rush one gets from other high risk activities. Then finding this site and through here chatting with and then eventually meeting other CD’s. It was such an exciting time of discovery for me!
Not that my life was in danger the way it might be driving fast through some mountain roads, or biking along a narrow path with a big drop off just waiting for you to make a mistake, but it is a similar kind of feeling. Certainly rather addictive in its own way too. So I kept pushing my femme self out. First closeted dinners with other CD’s, then solo mall trips, then restaurant meals completely on my own in busy places which all bring their own kind of rush.
Then as the discovery seems to be nearly complete, and many people now know about my rather gender fluid nature, but not everyone in my life by any means. Not that there aren’t things I still want to do in my femme life – like a femme holiday, or travelling to a conference like Keystone for instance. Love to do some of that once we are able to again.
I may never get to the point where I am fully open to all, but I also don’t feel like hiding anymore. This is what I am, and I truly, truly don’t want to offend anyone or get any abuse at all of any kind. I think of myself as a gentle soul and is easily hurt, so I don’t want to bring anything bad upon myself or my family either. However, if I somehow get outed or someone discovers “Amy”, I’ll deal with it in some way.
So what this is leading to now is the fact when I get ready to go out it isn’t the high it used to be. Like the wonderful sexy person you couldn’t wait to see again and have a roll around the hay with, but is now a warm and special person to spend time with and to give you a hug when you need it.
So in many respects I’ve gained so much over the last couple of years, but in a way lost a bit too. This is always the progression though most aspects of our life, things simply become part of the mosaic of our existence. The good and the bad too. Though the dressing has always been the good, even though it has evolved so much through the last 55 years or so, and I suppose I will continue to evolve and change. I also cannot believe it has been so long, but that is also part of life, growing older, and there are those who do not get to have that privilege.
The only small regret I have is not having discovered a way to let Amy out of her cocoon sooner, but I am where I am now, though some years ago living this double life would have been a lot more difficult on several levels. However, a motivated person can always find a way.
So now I enjoy getting dressed up whenever I can and then going out into the world as Amy.
- What stage do you think you are at in your dressing?
- Have you gone out en femme, and if so, how did it go?
- How many of you find yourself in this situation that I find myself in?
Thank you girls for reading my article. Please feel free to send me a comment in regards to my writings or to answer one or more of the questions I’ve posed to you above!
Sincerely, Amy
More Articles by Amy Myers
- Try to be your Real Self
- Dinner and Pride in Toronto, June 2023
- Xpressions Christmas Gala
- Amy’s Day of Wonder
- Shopping in Person
Beautifully said, Amy! Thank you for sharing your thoughts and insight. So much of what you said resonates with me. So much of YOUR story, is MY story! Early start thanks to Mom (& sister),long hiatuses, late life blossoming, grateful for the CDH community. All but bringing my wife into the fold. For that I envy you, Amy. I truly wish I didn’t have to keep my secret from the one person in my life that means so much to me. Perhaps some day I will change that. Chrissie
PS Love your skirt!
Thank you very much Chrissie! Opening up to a SO is fraught with worry, but I hope some day it will work out for you to share this.
I bought the skirt some time ago from a Canadian retailer of women’s clothes, and it feels as nice as it looks, thanks.
Amy
Excellent and very relatable; Our stories and timelines are different but the point were the “Morphing” where the activity gives way to a persona … that I relate to! As a Closet Girl; I admire the personal advances you’ve made. Stepping out from your closet in so many different ways and yet still closeted to protect those you love and want to protect. Having a wonderful SO is definitely a major mile marker in your story. Thanks for sharing. Looking forward to seeing your next ADVENTURE Article
Thank you very much Mae!
Hi Amy, loved your article!! I think most CD’s go through a phase where it is all so exciting, mysterious, and new. Then, as we start to let out what we have hidden for so long, our femme self can relax a bit and just have fun. I can remember how uptight I would get going to a store to buy a feminine article. Now I enjoy it but it is not the thrill as it was back then, I think that is a good thing. We all, especially us married CD’s, have you find a balance where we can… Read more »
Thanks for the nice comments, Carolyn. Yes, it is nice to be able to simply enjoy being femme, and it is good that your wife knows.
Amy
Hi Amy Thank you for your Article I really enjoyed reading it. I love your choice in outfits really pretty. The diamond hair clip is a nice touch.Deciding when the time is right is different for everyone. I had several opportunities to me full time and the timing just was not right The timing is not right for me even today. I know I am running out of time but I am ok with that also This is your time and you know it.What is important now is that you are happy. We have spent most of time wear given… Read more »
Stephanie, yes you are so right. We do what we are supposed to do, and that is provide for our families, take care of others, etc., etc. Then it does get to a point where one needs to do some things for oneself. That brings a whole different playing into view, but that is part of my point of view too. Not to be depressing, but I don’t want to be sitting somewhere, unable to much anymore wishing I had done what I know I could have. Not that all is possible, it isn’t. I’m not going to endanger my… Read more »
Hi Amy Sounds like you have done a great job putting in place a firm foundation for others. We are only given so much time to enjoy this wonderful gift of life and for so many that time has been cut short for one reason or another. You have to ask your self what else is more important to you. I know what is more important to me and I am doing that. I am raising three young boys that have no one else cared about.
Stephanie
Thanks so much for your comments. Certainly fatherhood is the important job someone can undertake so that the children have a good caring environment in which they can thrive.
However, when one can, you need to have a bit of “you time".
Amy
I really enjoyed this article Amy. Thanks for sharing your story with us. In many ways it is quite similar to my own, especially the unexpected emergence of my full-blown femme self in late middle age after so many years of dormancy. It is an aspect of myself that I struggle to understand and at times
find quite difficult to accept. But
on balance I have no regrets. Letting Mona out has made me a better person overall.
And dressing is not only an intoxicating thrill but a lot of fun too. Hugs, Mona
Mona, yes I agree letting Amy out has made better, and a happier person. Not that I was unhappy, just I feel more complete now.
Thank you very much for the comments.
Amy
P.S. Neglected to say what a lovely outfit you’re wearing. Love the whole look and that skirt is really nice.
Thank you Mona!
Amy, we are late blossoming flowers in the garden of femininity. Hugs Gianna
Indeed we are! Thanks Gianna!
As al the other ladies say, ‘Well Said’. I can relate to everythng you have said. Although the thrill is still there initially when i am out as only been brave enough in the last 18 months or so. But once out, i settle down and I just fell ‘Normal’ (whatever that is).
When out and settled in I do feel so normal, and everything feels right with the world!
Thank you very much Jane
Hi Amy, thank you for sharing your experience and inspirational article. I too, can relate to finding satisfaction in mom’s girdle and fastening those nylons to the garter belt and the feeling of the silky slip….. yup I was “ hooked on that feminine feeling” however fast forward to my present day “stage” … ready to unfasten the lock on my closet and go out en femme with pretty ladies who I have met through CDH and live nearby.. Personally, Amy I am so glad we are friends..such an elegant lady. I love the blouse and the skirt, especially the… Read more »
Yes, Leonara, weren’t those the times, experimenting with lingerie in the early days!
I’m, sure there will be more, I have three kind of in the works, but I let them kind float around in my head then one night it comes rushing out!
Thank you very much for the nice comments.
Amy