For as long as I can remember I’ve felt like a girl. When I was young I would pray to God every day to turn me into a girl. I prayed so hard for it. It never happened of course, but she was always there, inside me.
I called her “Amanda” because this would have been my name, had I been born a girl, physically. I was always tall and thin, with soft features. From about age 24 to 29, I crossdressed regularly (I had my own apartment in a college town). I bought a ton of female clothing, makeup, a few wigs, and I was living as Amanda almost full time (I was male presenting at work and some other parts of my life.)
I was never an attractive male. I have soft features, I am thin, a little tall for a girl, 5′-10”, but once I put on the skirt and wig and makeup I was HER. I was Amanda, and heck, I didn’t think I was that bad looking. I felt very fortunate; I’m very fair, I have almost no chest hair and when I shave my face, it takes at least 4-7 days before it starts growing back. It felt like Amanda was working from the inside out.
Like many of us, I did the “dress like a girl” thing for Halloween. I walked from my apartment to work, in the city. I wore a tan skirt, thigh highs, a light blue baby tee and sneakers (long walk).
At work a coworker hit on me, telling me I was a “super cute” girl. I laughed at him and told him to go away. He asked me out 3 times. I thought he was joking at first, but he wasn’t. I turned him down and afterward, never brought it up again.
Later that night at a party, I received compliment after compliment, from men and women. One guy even asked me if I wanted to go to the bathroom with him. I didn’t, because I was shy and convinced he was joking, but I’m really not sure. I was on Cloud 9. I was very passable, and for the first time in my life, people found me attractive.
I just recently sent a photo of myself from that Halloween to a girl who is a friend of mine, as a “lol” and she replied, “you make kind of a cute girl.”
I even started going on walks and hanging around outside my apartment as Amanda. One afternoon, I was outside in a dark green sundress, wedge heels, black choker necklace, smoking a cigarette. My neighbor (who I never really spoke to) came out of his apartment, looked at me, smiled and waved, got into his car and drove off. He just thought I was some girl, smoking outside. My adrenaline was pumping, this was incredible! Many other times I would be outside and walk past people and they wouldn’t bat an eye. I felt so alive in those moments. Just a girl. The way it was supposed to be.
I had so many great times from 24 to 29. Unfortunately, my circumstances changed and I don’t get to dress anymore and have all but fully suppressed Amanda.
I lost access to my old Myspace account with all my photos; I tried to reset the password, but I never got an email from them. I had to go to this old online game I used to play, called Second Life, to find any remaining photos left of me. I found a precious few. They’re lower res now, but my memories aren’t. Those are still crystal clear.
My life is good, I don’t want to complain, I don’t want to rock the boat, but I miss her sometimes. I miss me sometimes.
Thank you for your lovely story. Just as much as stories of those who have successfully transitioned, your story is just as inspiring and encouraging. We all have to make our own (sometimes tough) choices how we proceed depending on the time, place and circumstances we live in. Like you, although the story isn’t quite exactly the same, to transition is now a dream that is past. Though I’ve never been able to suppress Stacy fully in the past times I’ve tried and have managed to find a happy spot where I can dress sometimes.
great story, we want you to have a happy life. my .02 is, you get one go around, however you spend it. spend it wisely making you feel you spent it the best way possible with the least compromise. not easy, not simple, but place it in the context of you get this one time only… which sucks because I’d love to do this ride over again a few different ways.
I feel your pain. I’ve been surpressing the woman that’s been trapped inside me for the past twenty years. In the past two weeks, I’ve finally released her. I’ve told so many of my girlfriend’s that I am a woman. They are so happy and can’t wait to see the woman I am supposed to be. My only regret, I wish I did this twenty years ago.
New to this. Finding it difficult to navigate. Abit nervous at taking this step.
Start small
I feel like I’m just peeking out the closet door. I feel like a frightened little child. Not sure how to proceed
I understand fully. I also used to pray that I would wake up next day as a girl. In my case it was a long time before I had the opportunity of courage to put on a dress and appear in public as a woman. I still only cross dress occasionally as my family are unaware of it. Like you I don’t want to rock the boat, but when I have the chance I will dress up and go out with confidence. Thank you for sharing your story
I have been a closet cross dresser all my life never had enough courage to go outside or the clothes to pass as a women but as I read about others like me I’m glade I’m not alone
What a beautiful experience.
I love your article Amanda!
Thank you Brett!
Omg just bring her back once we start to feel femmine that felling never ever goes away. I get so emotional at times when I see a beautiful woman dressed so gourgous in a dress how her makeup looks on her and I say I definitely would love to be her so much. I’m happier in life as ambermaria have tons of women’s clothes FINALLY. KEEP MY APARTMENT FEMMINE ALSO. do I want to live and enjoy life as a WOMAN DO WOMAN THING’S .ABSOLUTELY YES I AM A WOMAN BORN THE WRONG WAY
<3