The untold story of Lily-Rose
Hi, all lovely ladies at Crossdresser Heaven. I’ve only been a member for a short time. I’ve been learning so much about myself. I’ve never considered myself being transgender, until now, even though I’ve been transgender all my life. Now I’m proud of it. It’s such a lovely feeling to walk around with a big smile on my face. Luckily, nobody has asked me why I’m smiling; what shall I answer them? I will just tell them I feel good!
There’s so many pieces falling into place. I started dressing up at my grandma’s when I was about 4 years old. There’s even a photo of me, from that occasion, somewhere. When I was around 10 and I was home sick, I locked myself in in my parents’ bedroom and put on my mother’s nylon stockings and bra and something I don’t remember over that.
At first my dressing was in my mother’s clothes and then when I got my own apartment, I bought the clothes that I loved for myself. From mail order to eventually going to the stores myself, it was a little bit scary worrying at what the salesperson might say about a boy buying woman’s clothes? I soon learned that they didn’t say anything and let me buy without any questions.
Not so long ago I bought a skirt and the saleswoman asked me if I wanted to try it on, I was so startled about being asked. “Me, No,” I said and paid for the skirt and left. I should’ve said, “Yes Please.” How would she had reacted if I’d said that.
All my life, it’s been easy to have girls as friends. Until I was 12, I think most of my friends were girls. As a teenager, I found it difficult to get girlfriends. They loved me as a friend, but not as my girlfriend. I continued to have plenty of girls as friends, sometimes very good friends, you know like really best friends, but nothing closer.
When I was 18, I was very much in love with a girl, but the same thing happened there as well. Eventually, I did find a woman with whom I fell in love with. When we moved in together, I tossed away all my women’s clothing. Just before I threw them away, she found a plastic bag with worn out stockings and asked what that was in front of her children. I managed to explain to her that I had them for polishing shoes, which in fact they are very good at.
It went well for a while with me not dressing up. We were married for around 17 years. I missed dressing up, so I started borrowing her clothes when I was alone at home. I went abroad to work for 6 months. While I was there, I bought women’s clothing again. That went well because nobody knew me. I took all the clothes home with me and thought I’d hidden them well. My wife found out and all hell broke loose.
At the time I somehow managed to rescue our marriage, but it was never the same again and eventually we got divorced (I don’t know if it was because of me crossdressing.) I began to buy women’s clothing again, only this time more seriously. I have more women’s clothing than I think most women do. I’m not at all interested in looking and buying male clothes and have never been. I can look at women’s clothing for hours and even buy fashion magazines.
I wasn’t off the hook yet. I was foolish enough to take photos of myself in a ball gown with my phone. I deleted the photos but forgot to erase them form the folder “erased.” My son, 20 at that time, wanted to copy the photos from my phone. Now, for the second time all hell broke loose when he saw in the ball gown. Somehow, I managed to ease his mind, and I had to promise to “never do it again”. We all know my obedience with that promise. We are still talking, though I think that he suspects that I am still dressing up.
Now, I look back at my life and understand why I was like that, me being just friends with the girls. Somehow, I think they saw me as a woman, in essence maybe. The term transgender did not exist where I lived in the 1970’s and 80’s. We were called transvestites and not in a kind way. I have come to terms with being transgender. Of course, I realize now that I’ve always been transgender. I really like it because that’s who I am!
I’ve learned to differentiate between gender and sexual preference. I consider myself to be a MTF Transgender who is attracted to women only. At first, it was a very weird feeling. I thought “transgender lesbian – can you really be that?” But after a lot thinking and looking back and analyzing my life, it fits perfectly.
I wonder if my friends would understand the real reason that I have lost a lot of weight lately. It’s because I want to fit into a dress on order from the internet; I’m I bit too large to at the moment. Do all girls behave like this?
This is my way of coming out, sharing it with you. I believe there’s more to come now that all pieces have fallen into place. I want to get better at doing makeup and to learn how to dress for going out either alone or with others to accompany me. My greatest wish would be to find a woman who would accept me. It might take pure luck to find such a woman.
I have recently “created” my female alter ego Lily-Rose. She has her own apple-id, exists on Facebook, twitter, and Instagram. She even has her own phone number. So much more is instore for this lovely woman, who is me.