There I was, 13 or maybe 14, I had the whole world figured out. I was going to be a soldier, marry a beautiful loving woman, and live happily ever after. Wait, maybe it was – I was going to be a beautiful soldier, marry a handsome loving man, and live happily ever after. Damn, in my old age I forget which one it was supposed to be.
What I do remember at a very young age is sneaking out some of my mom’s underwear to try on and feeling that they were so much better feeling than my “tightie whities”. I got caught doing just that by my mom and was badly shamed by her for doing it.
So of course, like most of us, I suppressed those feelings as being bad or immoral. Throughout the following years, I had brief moments where I could dress with one girlfriend or another who would think it was a “cute fetish” of mine. But Candice Foxx was there waiting to be let out of her suppressed or dark hole.
Fast forward – I lived part of my world when I became a soldier and served for 22 years. It was great time and a dark time as well. Not because of war or anything like that, but because I never felt whole. I knew a part of me just wasn’t right. I turned to drinking and partying and boy were those some wild and crazy nights! But when all alone, I was still there looking at myself and wondering what was I missing?
I did meet a beautiful, wonderful woman and married her. We had a difficult time and a wonderful time. I was still suppressing what I was and drinking a lot. But we stayed together and somehow persevered. After a long period of time, I did a whole lot of soul searching about why I never felt “whole”. I concluded I must be gay. After all, I wanted to wear all the silky stuff that my wife had so that must be it. If I wanted to be dressed just as she was, I must want the same sexual desires, right? So, I did what I thought was the right thing and told my wife of 20 years that I was gay.
Surprisingly, my wife was super supportive. We started going to marriage therapy and things seemed to be going well, but something just didn’t feel right.
I started to do some of my own research and reading and realized that I wasn’t really attracted to men after all, but I just wanted to be more feminine. Wow! What a relief! I couldn’t wait to tell my wife. I knew in my heart and mind this was right. I started remembering all the times I got to dress and the wonderful feelings that gave me and knew I was right this time. So I told my wife and things didn’t go well at all.
She could not accept my will to cross dress and explore the feminine side of my life. We are now separated and waiting on a divorce. Wanting another man wasn’t enough to break up our marriage, however, wanting to be a woman or at least present myself like one was enough to break up our marriage. This is not a story to elicit sympathy or to warn people of this life. This is just me letting the last bad air out and wondering how different everything might have been if I had found some place or someone supportive, warm, and loving way back when in a world that was.
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Now girls, what I would love to ask you is when you came out to your wife or significant other and admitted to her that you were a cross dresser just what kind of reaction did you get from her. Did it eventually lead to a separation or a divorce? Was she fairly accepting with certain limitations placed on your cross dressing? Or was she totally supportive and accepting of your thrill of cross dressing and even wanted to help you in becoming a better cross dresser with an even more feminine look and might even go shopping with you while you were in femme mode?
Thanks for reading my article and I look forward to your responses to my questions!
Sincerely, Candice
Candice-thanks for sharing! My ex found out about Cyn less than a year into my marriage and she was not accepting of it or even mildly tolerant. She almost left them but stayed after I begged her not to leave. For another dozen years I tried to stop as I had promised but as I now realize that was never really going to happen and we split up. It’s just not something that she or many women can or want to deal with and I respect that. We remain cordial to this day(after an initial acrimony during the divorce period… Read more »
My s.o. thought it was a joke. It was early in our relationship when I told her I liked panties. She was indifferent. So I left it at that. Then on my birthday she gave me some womens under things. Naturally I thought that meant she was cool with it and I could be me. The next time I had a day of dressing I took pictures of myself. I sent her one. Tasteful but obvious. Big mistake. She lost her mind. All of a sudden I was a fag and wanted a sex change. I mean it was nasty.… Read more »
My ex- found out about my cding from a joint credit card after I bought some items (bra, panties heels) from Victorias Secret. She accused me of being gay and even with counseling, led to an ugly divorce. My current wife gives me a bit of space, but isn’t aware of Lorrie. Not sure of her reaction if I told her…
HI Candace, Just finished reading your article and a lot of what you wrote was very familiar territory to me. To address your questions, I met my first wife when I was 20, and by then I had been crossdressing for about 8 years, completely in the closet, going through the entire shame purging cycle over and over. We did not live together before we were married. When we started living together, it was while I was going to school (again) and we had an apartment. I didn’t have much room to have a stash of femme items, so I… Read more »
Thank you for showing me that its not just me, 20 years married and just wanted to be truthful the pressure of all the lies ..the truth will set you free..? divorced now and what happened !! just wanted to be more feminine, but like you gay would be okay …but more feminine not acceptable..!
maybe the journey ahead will? sorry I don’t know
I told my current wife about my CD about 6 months into our dating. I knew if we were to proceed forward, She needed to know and decide all on her own if she could accept it as part of our lives. That week was very stressful to say the least! While it does not do anything for her, she is accepting of it, buys me lingerie and make up and will on occasion do my make up. While I wished it would excite her and was a turn on for her. We recently had a long discussion , which… Read more »
Candice, Wow! You and I share some similarities, when it comes to our individual experiences. I too served 22 years of active duty military service and am alcoholic. I attend a wonderful CD support group here in Atlanta, and it was there that I discovered my alcoholic drinking was a symptom of suppressing Peggy Sue for decades. I have been sober for 28 years, but it was not until Peggy Sue came out of the closet and went out in public that I felt truly fulfilled. More specifically, to answer your questions, I informed my wife one morning, after a… Read more »
Best wishes as you move into this new chapter of your life. It’s incredible that your wife can deal with the idea that you might be gay but is unable to accept your need to crossdress. I finally came clean to my wife almost a decade ago. We were going through a difficult time , which resulted in a period of separation and finally therapy. She did her research and ultimately came to a quiet understanding and acceptance. It is not something we discuss and there are plenty of times where I am frustrated in not being able to dress… Read more »
Hi Candace! I had some of the same feelings as you and like many of us, I too had to live the life society expected. When I finally did tell my wife about my cross dressing in the past; she said that if sh e had known it before that she would never had married me. So we are now legally separated (her idea) and heading to a divorce in the near future. Fortunately I have a very understanding and supportive married couple that live nearby. I am able to go out much more as Michelle now. So my friend;… Read more »
I was about the same age when my mother caught me in her undies she didn’t go mad but we had a talk about it and in the end she said ok as long It was between us and didn’t let my brothers know ,she even bought me some undies to wear. I got married and stopped wearing undies ,a few years later I had a talk with my wife of what I did during my teenage years ,after several talks she said to let her see me in her undies ,asked how I felt said I loved the feel… Read more »