It’s been so long ago now that I opened the curtains of my home playpen. The furthest distance I would travel dressed authentically, as Char, was around the “inside” of my home with the lights low, the curtains closed, and the door locked. I called this my playpen.
Glancing backward, I remember the cramped four by four foot mesh sided cage I lived in which was also called a playpen. This Week’s Reset idea is one key factor that continues to move the edges of my playpen further expanded than I once imagined I even wanted, or thought was possible for me.
My big vision then was walking “unafraid” to the local post office and back during daylight hours. I can throw a stone, and if the wind is right, hit the local post office from my back yard. The day I accomplished this walk my playpen expanded. I walked over, collected my mail, spoke with the locals who meandered in while I was there and walked home, slowly and intentionally mostly relaxed.
There were growth steps in between, but, the next big leap was going to the closest neighboring town. A half hour away with a population of around 2200 people. First, I only went into selective shops where I knew with certainty, having had phone conversations with them, that friendly people who liked me a knew me prior to my emergence, worked. My expansion shifted again.
Next, was going to the big city. It has a population of a couple hundred thousand maybe; not huge, but most definitely big enough to bring fear bubbling to the surface with a volcanic action at times. Into the big box stores where a few staff know me; always with safety in mind. The expansion continues.
I received a call a short time ago, maybe two months. The voice at the other end is a custom home builder friend I once worked with. My friend is now operating a senior’s facility of over 600 suites spread over three buildings. I was asked if I was interested in doing some work renovating rooms and general beautifying of the spaces.
So, the first day inside I am wearing skinny jeans, tank top with pink n purple sketcher sneakers; as above. Meet n greet with staff was a breeze; as we walk the corridors looking for things in need of TLC I was introduced to many of the residents there.
Fast forward a couple of weeks, I have returned to the center a few times now. I have a few people call me by name, Char which I love hearing and introduce myself as. But also, what brought about the biggest grin for me was as the days progressed with the work, and my mind wanted to think old thoughts of judgment etc, many of the peeps would come by the room I worked in just to chat; sometimes 4 or 5 at a time were gathered.
As I am working, they chat among themselves, my little coffee row private audience, and I overhear them saying things like “she’s doing a great job eh? she’s making the place look really good. I’m so glad they have her here doing this for us. One elderly fella slowly stood up and said, “well, I gotta go, see ya Ma’am, thank you for your work Hon” and he sauntered off down the hall.
What’s the key? I have been practicing “Feeling” how I want to feel all the time. Accepted, cared about, appreciated, even loved. I have found that the more I practice feeling those things, however I can generate them, the more people around me reflect back to me by their actions toward me, my own, self-generated feeling tone.
In other words, the more I feel “self accepting” and stop shrinking in fear or hiding. The more I feel worthy of appreciation, and the more I feel lovable, regardless of gender identity or presentation, the more I am treated with appreciation, acceptance; even love and respect.
As I walked through the place with my chin up, my beautiful breasts leading the way in the snug ¾ T, my back straight and ash blond ponytail bouncing high, I feel my hips naturally swing with zero effort. Folks say hello as I pass by and I smile wishing them an Amazing day because…
I Feel Amazing! They called me She because, inside, I called me she. . .
Thank you for reading Your Weekly Reset and thank you for being exactly who you are!
n huggles my friends, thank you for reading Your Weekly Reset; I am grateful.