When I joined Crossdresser Heaven in late October, 2016, I was not exactly sure what I was hoping to find. I had found the World Wide Web to be pretty narrow when it came to crossdresing. I was feeling pretty lonely and empty when Google pointed me to Crossdresser Heaven. I was (and still am) dressing in secret and hiding half of me from the world. After five months, I have learned so much about myself and become so comfortable here. I cannot put my finger on it, but there is something really special happening here — it really has made me feel good about myself. What I do understand, however, is that my feminine side has made her way deep into my subconscious mind. This revealed itself to me suddenly in what could have been a disastrous situation.
Several times a year, I am contracted to work on technical production projects. Though I work with large crews, many often include some of the same guys, and I have come to know a few fairly well. The environment is professional and very competitive. Imagine two dozen guys trying to prove that we each are the smartest, the strongest, or the best suited for the job, me at 58 and most of them at 30 something. Of course, if I want the gigs, I have got to play the game. Therefore, I wouldn’t even think about underdressing or anything else here. Sorry Candy, you’re going to have to wait in the car. Candy, however, had a different idea.
There I was on the job one day leaning against a pole waiting for something or other. My head was full of technical specs and my mind was muddling with several project details when it hit me. I found myself leaning there, hand turned back on my waist, hips jutting out, striking the most feminine, come-hither pose you can possibly imagine. Candy had sneaked in the back door; my subconscious had completely taken over my body. Six months ago, I would have immediately straighten up, and hoped nobody saw. I might even stretched in every direction like I was trying to work out a kink in my back or something to cover it up. That is not what I did. I am not sure why, but I maintained the pose and slowly scanned the room. Most had not noticed, but a few did. As my gaze approached, they quickly looked away. But in that fleeting moment, I caught a smile and then another. They were not mocking, not sneering, but were warm, understanding, and genuine smiles. My actions were not planned; they were natural. I was all me, and for that brief instant, I was accepted for who I really am in the one place where I least expected to be.
Acceptance is a strange animal. You never know when and where you will find it. It comes to you on its own terms. All this time, I have been trying to figure out how and when to do things — how to approach the wife, when to step out, what to wear, etc. The result has always been nothing but fear and anxiety. Trying to convince myself that I’m not a freak or that there isn’t something wrong with me is accomplishing nothing except creating more fear and anxiety. I have been trying to force something that will not be forced. The only way that I can progress is to throw away the calendar. I must believe that I have all the time in the world — no deadlines, no pressure.
I need to strive to live each day at peace with myself and enjoy the journey. I can pick the direction, but I cannot know what is around the next bend. I am unable to will my destination to be there when I want. Some ladies may be ready to step out when they put on a dress for the first time, but that is not me. It is good, however, to find a little reassurance and acceptance along the way. All those little “acceptances” will some day add up to a whole lot of courage. It will not be planned, but that one day will come. I will put on the outfit, apply the makeup, pick up my purse, and on a whim and without conscious thought, walk out the door. The world will finally get the opportunity to met and know Candy Kane.