Throw Away the Calendar

woman day out

When I joined Crossdresser Heaven in late October, 2016, I was not exactly sure what I was hoping to find.  I had found the World Wide Web to be pretty narrow when it came to crossdresing.  I was feeling pretty lonely and empty when Google pointed me to Crossdresser Heaven.  I was (and still am) dressing in secret and hiding half of me from the world.  After five months, I have learned so much about myself and become so comfortable here.  I cannot put my finger on it, but there is something really special happening here — it really has made me feel good about myself.  What I do understand, however, is that my feminine side has made her way deep into my subconscious mind. This revealed itself to me suddenly in what could have been a disastrous situation.

Several times a year, I am contracted to work on technical production projects.  Though I work with large crews, many often include some of the same guys, and I  have come to know a few fairly well.  The environment is professional and very competitive.  Imagine two dozen guys trying to prove that we each are the smartest, the strongest, or the best suited for the job,  me at 58 and most of them at 30 something.  Of course, if I want the gigs, I have got to play the game.  Therefore, I wouldn’t even think about underdressing or anything else here.  Sorry Candy, you’re going to have to wait in the car.  Candy, however, had a different idea.

There I was on the job one day leaning against a pole waiting for something or other.  My head was full of technical specs and my mind was muddling with several project details when it hit me.  I found myself leaning there, hand turned back on my waist, hips jutting out, striking the most feminine, come-hither pose you can possibly imagine.  Candy had sneaked in the back door; my subconscious had completely taken over my body.  Six months ago, I would have immediately straighten up, and hoped nobody saw.  I might even stretched in every direction like I was trying to work out a kink in my back or something to cover it up.  That is not what I did.  I am not sure why, but I maintained the pose and slowly scanned the room.  Most had not noticed, but a few did.  As my gaze approached, they quickly looked away.  But in that fleeting moment, I caught a smile and then another.  They were not mocking, not sneering, but were warm, understanding, and genuine smiles.  My actions were not  planned; they were natural.  I was all me, and for that brief instant, I was accepted for who I really am in the one place where I least expected to be.

Acceptance is a strange animal.  You never know when and where you will find it.  It comes to you on its own terms.  All this time, I have been trying to figure out how and when to do things — how to approach the wife, when to step out, what to wear, etc.  The result has always been nothing but fear and anxiety.  Trying to convince myself that I’m not a freak or that there isn’t something wrong with me is accomplishing nothing except creating more fear and anxiety.  I have been trying to force something that will not be forced.  The only way that I can progress is to throw away the calendar.  I must believe that I have all the time in the world — no deadlines,  no pressure.

I need to strive to live each day at peace with myself and enjoy the journey.  I can pick the direction, but I cannot know what is around the next bend.  I am unable to will my destination to be there when I want.  Some ladies may be ready to step out when they put on a dress for the first time, but that is not me.  It is good, however, to find a little reassurance and acceptance along the way.  All those little “acceptances” will some day add up to a whole lot of courage.  It will not be planned, but that one day will come.  I will put on the outfit, apply the makeup, pick up my purse, and on a whim and without conscious thought, walk out the door.  The world will finally get the opportunity to met and know Candy Kane.

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Candy is a native of San Antonio. Texas. She describes herself as a "Normal everyday secret crossdresser " After experimenting sporadicly over the years she now at age 59 has taken to embracing the lifestyle on a regular basis. Little by little Candy reveals more of herself to the world. She figures at this rate she'll be fully out "by the time I'm 135".

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Leave a reply

  1. Michelle5 1 year ago

    First time I took my picture as crossdresser and love it

  2. Lea 1 year ago

    Nicely written Candy!

    There definitely is something unique about this site and community. It’s one of the few places where I feel accepted, supported, and encouraged.

    – Lea

  3. Jennifer Gemini 1 year ago

    Great article . Inspiration.

  4. Erica Jay 1 year ago

    I can identify so much with this. My birth sign is Gemini..the twins. I am typical. My other side is female and desperate to express her femininity. I have always suppressed those natural instincts…but I am now thinking not for much longer…

  5. Samantha G..... 1 year ago

    Great article Candy. Thanks for sharing with us.


  6. Janine 1 year ago

    Hi there Candy
    I just got through reading your post and I want to tell you that I felt the same way that you do as far as keeping my obsession to dress a secret
    I stayed inside of a motel room for countless hours all dressed up and not leaving the room.
    There was something that you said about doing something that isn’t planned.
    That’s exactly what happened to me.
    There I was looking at myself in the mirror and knew that I could pass
    I turned around and picked up my purse and put the shoulder strap on my shoulder then opened the door and went outside for the first time.
    My adrenaline was sky high as I was walking towards my car parked in the parking lot of the motel.
    There were other guests in the parking lot but to them I was just a girl walking out to her car.
    Nobody was paying attention to me
    I was smiling to myself because right then I knew that I could pass as a female
    Candy when you get the courage to venture outside of wherever you secretly dress you are going to see what I’m talking about.
    Not only that but you will wonder why it took you so long to finally get the courage to actually go outside.
    Good luck to you and I hope that you will find the right time to go outside as candy
    Hugs to you

  7. Candy,
    Your article as well as the replies to it remind me that on my own journey of exploration, I need not hold to a rigid timetable for making any final decisions on my path. As with finding a relationship, the right decisions as to my future will be revealed to me when I am ready to handle them. Thanks for sharing a great article!

  8. No hurry to be who you were meant to be. No rush to come out to the world. Taking your time and enjoying the journey is what it’s all about. You have a great attitude Candy. Glad you are enjoying the ride.


  9. Author
    Candy 1 year ago

    Wow! I can’t believe the overwhelming positive reponse! It reinforces what I have already been feeling here…no matter what walk of life we come from, no matter where we may be on our personal journies, we are all of one spirit. True sisters of the heart. Thank you for being you. Any more and I think I’m gonna cry…

    • rhonda 12 months ago

      I too believe we are of a Spirit that guides us , encourages us . We are united as sisters with that Spirit and that we are a unique people
      Hugs, Rhonda

  10. Amanda Patrick 1 year ago

    Hi Candy,

    You are right. Absolutely no Pressure or deadlines, you will know when the time is right you will just feel it. we are all individuals who have to go at our own pace. Once an awhile you may have a set back. I had one recently about going out. I travelled out of town. I had been to this bar before dressed but this time it didn’t seem comfortable to go out or my mood just wasn’t right I know my anxiety was high for some reason so I just dressed stayed in my room and had a relaxing evening I don’t regret that I did that. But that doesn’t mean I wont venture out next time I just knew this time was the right choice to stay in. Slowly and quietly is the journey we are on.



  11. Evelyn 1 year ago

    Candy, Thak you for sharing your experience. One thing I love about reading stories like yours is that I now know I’m not alone I the world.
    Love Evelyn

  12. Candy,
    Thank you for sharing. One of the greatest gifts is acceptance; wether it is given to you or you give it to somebody else.

    I hope you continue to enjoy your time here and continue to gain acceptance no matter where your journey takes you
    Xoxo katie

  13. Bronwyn 1 year ago

    Lovely story Candy, just wonderful that you worked it out. Bronwyn

  14. Terri 1 year ago

    Candy thank you for posting your story. I think what I like about crossdresser heaven is reading stories just like yours. The first time I met another person like myself was a long time ago. Knowing that there are others like yourself is a wonderful feeling.

  15. Manager Jane 1 year ago

    A wonderful article Candy. Perhaps without even realising it, you’ve discovered one of the great ‘secrets’ to success – give things time. Only the individual can determine the time frame. Rushing to fulfil the expectations or declarations of others is a very risky approach.

    Sudden change can upset or dismay people. Slow progress allows them time to see change but not be daunted by it. I think you are on the right path.

    Best wishes for that special day when the whim takes you where ever you want to go.

  16. Leonara 1 year ago

    What a great article thank you Candy for sharing..thanks to you , it will be within time that I can express my feminine alter ego with others outside my privacy.

  17. Michelle Brown 1 year ago

    Candy,I know how you feel.Often,when I am on the job ,we may have slack times between customers and sometimes I will pace the area and find myself thinking how I ,as Michelle,will be dressed that weekend and almost always my walk will become more ladylike.One of the ladies behind the counter, who knows of, and has been out with me as Michelle, will text me and ask me to teach her how to walk like a lady,to which I reply “Practice,Practice,Practice”.Enjoy your feminity and smile,its contagious.

  18. Krista 1 year ago

    Hi Candy, I really enjoyed reading your article. Thanks so much for sharing your story with all of us.

    You are so right. There is something really special happening here. I too have learned so very much since becoming a member of CDH. I remember my trepidation when I posted my first photo on the site that clearly showed my face. Step by step we overcome these fears. We get comfortable with who we are and sharing with other individuals going through the same.

    Thanks again for sharing. I look forward to future stories of your experiences on this journey. All the very Best.

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