Here goes… one of my ramblings… where will it end up this time?
We all (CDs) approach this ailment, blessing, curse, need, desire, endeavor, and wonderment with similar and entirely different reasons. At times, all of the above have been felt by most of us. Relationships, responsibilities, and too much of it… timing has been directly impactful on who, what, and where we are on the sparkly, yellow-brick road.
The older I get, the more I look back at some of my regrets. Do you know what hits the top of my list in multiple numbers? Yep, my crossdressing and what I gave up, didn’t do, and can’t make up for (pun intended…) I can pull off the sophisticated and alluring mature woman now, but what I would have been willing to give up to be the “Party Queen†or the sexy collage girl of my adolescent dreams. I put those outfits on today and I look like a sad grandma on Halloween. Even I shake my head at my reflection. And yet… it has some merit; let me explain…
I was at bowling recently, and a discussion happened on of all things; our perception of ourselves. Many of you are assuming this conversation happened with a bunch of macho guys; sorry, one of the teams I bowl with has three older (than me) women on it. None of us see ourselves as the reflection in the mirror or the “old†person in the photo. We laughed as we exchanged our stories on seeing others (our age, even slightly younger) looking old… something we don’t believe we are… until we look in the mirror or see the photo.
I am, and always will be, this I can most assuredly promise, be 35 in my mind. It used to be 29, but you know, like dog years, it ages one year for each decade we live. That means in my 90s, I’ll still only be 39. It’s the camera and mirrors that lie. I had aches and pains when I was 35, they are just more frequent now, and my hearing and eyesight is worse, but I feel great, especially when I compare myself to so many others that I see. I’ll let you in on a secret, too. After selling my practice three years ago, I still wanted to work at something with a purpose behind it. I chose to work at a thrift store that empowers those with disabilities. I’m also big into my service club and the mission of benefiting children.
You are saying to yourself… Oh, man (woman), how I envy you and all those clothes. I can tell you… it’s pure torture… To touch, hang, and see all those potential dreams and to act neutral. They don’t know about my little hobby, and I don’t drop off my discards to them for fear of puzzled looks, (especially those telling items… nice wigs, padded shapewear; you get the picture.) They have nearly 80 drop-offs per day. We fill 2-3 huge bins with donated clothing; everything from designer to rags. About 1/3 of it will make it into our store. 1/3 goes straight into the garbage and the other gets combined with another establishment to head to third-world countries. Shoes are even less likely to make it to our shelves, and some of those magnificent, marvelous, stunning, and desirable shoes get tossed or recycled to other establishments. Yes, it’s glorious to be around all that beautiful and desirable clothing… a curse as well as I have to watch others buy it or remiss as it gets tossed in the garbage. How I’d love to yell out, “Wait! I’ll take it!â€
Yes, before you even ask, I’ve clocked a few potential CDs buying and shopping and checked out (register) those who don’t try to hide it, even in my little area of Iowa. I might have told a few that the colors or style of their newly prized possession were a great choice or looked the confident ones in the eye with a sincere smile. So far, not one pair of heels in my size has ever made it to the racks, and I frown at the lousy wigs that adorn a few stands. If we didn’t have cameras spying on us, I’d change out a few of mine to upgrade the look… I can say that (we are extremely busy all day long) most cashiers don’t care about what you are buying; we are so busy that we just ring it up, bag it up, and thank you for shopping.
So.. tis the season for reflection, Fa la la la la, la la la la… I both love and hate the wintertime. It’s when I can become fully immersed (shaving everywhere) but then have to brave the cold to wear summer dresses for photo opportunities, the reverse of summertime when I’m wearing long sleeves and hiding hair and golfer’s tan. Such a cruel world… I want to be a summer girl in the summertime. Why don’t you? You’re single, and older (lol), what’s stopping you? The usual; nobody knows, and I’m not ready to out myself. I am ready to head out more into the public and have begun making some plans to do so this coming year. I also have a major event happening. My hearing (very bad) has now qualified me for a cochlear implant to improve my conversational hearing. If a woman told me I wasn’t listening to her and didn’t hear what she was saying… she’d be right. My worst is the tone where women speak. I manage at the store (nodding my head as customers make comments…)
From a writing standpoint. I love to write, but hate to promote. Last spring, I released my crossdressing novel, the first in a (hopeful) series and now turn to working on the next novel(s) that wait patiently for me to conclude them on the male side. Three started, then a pause and a new concept devours my thoughts, so another one begins… and thus it repeats. Writing is my therapy, and I’ve been neglecting it as I slowly unwound into this new future I’ve been living. Within the past 2 1/2 years, I lost my mother, father, and sister (last April). Unfortunately, I don’t think my dog is going to make it another year either. She has been the best pet ever, and one reason that I don’t venture out for extended periods… too many questions that would be asked.
This season means something different to all of us, but let me end my wandering with this. Kindness is a must if you are to survive, giving will enrich your spirit, and forgiveness will set you free. I practice kindness as much as I can… (except when driving…) and I’ve found little ways to begin forgiving others and myself for past transgressions. By giving my time, and my assurances to others, monetarily, with out-of-the-blue helpful gestures, and in many other ways, I’ve benefited myself and others. It makes it easier to do the biggest forgiveness of all… to me, for all that I blamed myself for in this world that I live in.
Find all the small moments that you can in happiness… share them…
Until next time…
More Articles by Sabrina (Brina) MacTavish
- Who do You Dress for?
- Hello 2025! An Invitation to submit an Article.
- Left or Right?
- Back Then
- A Small Fortune
Sabrina (Brina) MacTavish
Latest posts by Sabrina (Brina) MacTavish (see all)
- Who do You Dress for? - January 11, 2025
- Hello 2025! An Invitation to submit an Article. - January 1, 2025
- Tis the Season to be… - December 4, 2024
- Left or Right? - November 8, 2024
- Back Then - October 9, 2024
I don’t know how you do it. It seems that every article you write either is aimed at me or is right in the same neighborhood. I want to try to write something more than a question or a response – but I’m so intimidated. You make me feel like I have so much to say. I’m not super regular here but I want to be. I hope I can make some good friends and feel “good enough" to write something more substantial.
No need to feel intimidated, we all have those similar feelings, even the ones we doubt others share. I tend to be one of those observers; it’s why I write and am able to connect with so many. Everyone who submits their article finds some similar connections and generally, good feelings for doing so. It has been my therapy to write to all of us and share some insights, possibly answer some questions, and hopefully, ease some doubts. Editors are on hand to help with the flow and grammar when you submit. Others would like to read what you have… Read more »
Jolly? Â Crossdressed? Â Both??? Â Merry Christmas.. Â S
Great article Sabrina! You’re always making sense with your reasoning and writing! And you make it sound so good too. I appreciate you doing this kind of writing and helping others in the process. I also appreciate all you do here at CDH! It makes a good difference for all of us. Sometimes it’s hard for me to see how others do so well with their outlook on life, when life has been so hard with them. But I appreciate the fortitude you have, that pulls you through. I do wish you a Happy New Year and for success with… Read more »
thanks for the compliments and comments! I’m glad that others enjoy my insights, and in the way I put them together. My dad used to say that sometimes you need to look at it from a different perspective. (To be fair… it was always in regard to him building or fixing something…) Happy New Year!