Here goes… one of my ramblings… where will it end up this time?
We all (CDs) approach this ailment, blessing, curse, need, desire, endeavor, and wonderment with similar and entirely different reasons. At times, all of the above have been felt by most of us. Relationships, responsibilities, and too much of it… timing has been directly impactful on who, what, and where we are on the sparkly, yellow-brick road.
The older I get, the more I look back at some of my regrets. Do you know what hits the top of my list in multiple numbers? Yep, my crossdressing and what I gave up, didn’t do, and can’t make up for (pun intended…) I can pull off the sophisticated and alluring mature woman now, but what I would have been willing to give up to be the “Party Queen” or the sexy collage girl of my adolescent dreams. I put those outfits on today and I look like a sad grandma on Halloween. Even I shake my head at my reflection. And yet… it has some merit; let me explain…
I was at bowling recently, and a discussion happened on of all things; our perception of ourselves. Many of you are assuming this conversation happened with a bunch of macho guys; sorry, one of the teams I bowl with has three older (than me) women on it. None of us see ourselves as the reflection in the mirror or the “old” person in the photo. We laughed as we exchanged our stories on seeing others (our age, even slightly younger) looking old… something we don’t believe we are… until we look in the mirror or see the photo.
I am, and always will be, this I can most assuredly promise, be 35 in my mind. It used to be 29, but you know, like dog years, it ages one year for each decade we live. That means in my 90s, I’ll still only be 39. It’s the camera and mirrors that lie. I had aches and pains when I was 35, they are just more frequent now, and my hearing and eyesight is worse, but I feel great, especially when I compare myself to so many others that I see. I’ll let you in on a secret, too. After selling my practice three years ago, I still wanted to work at something with a purpose behind it. I chose to work at a thrift store that empowers those with disabilities. I’m also big into my service club and the mission of benefiting children.
You are saying to yourself… Oh, man (woman), how I envy you and all those clothes. I can tell you… it’s pure torture… To touch, hang, and see all those potential dreams and to act neutral. They don’t know about my little hobby, and I don’t drop off my discards to them for fear of puzzled looks, (especially those telling items… nice wigs, padded shapewear; you get the picture.) They have nearly 80 drop-offs per day. We fill 2-3 huge bins with donated clothing; everything from designer to rags. About 1/3 of it will make it into our store. 1/3 goes straight into the garbage and the other gets combined with another establishment to head to third-world countries. Shoes are even less likely to make it to our shelves, and some of those magnificent, marvelous, stunning, and desirable shoes get tossed or recycled to other establishments. Yes, it’s glorious to be around all that beautiful and desirable clothing… a curse as well as I have to watch others buy it or remiss as it gets tossed in the garbage. How I’d love to yell out, “Wait! I’ll take it!”
Yes, before you even ask, I’ve clocked a few potential CDs buying and shopping and checked out (register) those who don’t try to hide it, even in my little area of Iowa. I might have told a few that the colors or style of their newly prized possession were a great choice or looked the confident ones in the eye with a sincere smile. So far, not one pair of heels in my size has ever made it to the racks, and I frown at the lousy wigs that adorn a few stands. If we didn’t have cameras spying on us, I’d change out a few of mine to upgrade the look… I can say that (we are extremely busy all day long) most cashiers don’t care about what you are buying; we are so busy that we just ring it up, bag it up, and thank you for shopping.
So.. tis the season for reflection, Fa la la la la, la la la la… I both love and hate the wintertime. It’s when I can become fully immersed (shaving everywhere) but then have to brave the cold to wear summer dresses for photo opportunities, the reverse of summertime when I’m wearing long sleeves and hiding hair and golfer’s tan. Such a cruel world… I want to be a summer girl in the summertime. Why don’t you? You’re single, and older (lol), what’s stopping you? The usual; nobody knows, and I’m not ready to out myself. I am ready to head out more into the public and have begun making some plans to do so this coming year. I also have a major event happening. My hearing (very bad) has now qualified me for a cochlear implant to improve my conversational hearing. If a woman told me I wasn’t listening to her and didn’t hear what she was saying… she’d be right. My worst is the tone where women speak. I manage at the store (nodding my head as customers make comments…)
From a writing standpoint. I love to write, but hate to promote. Last spring, I released my crossdressing novel, the first in a (hopeful) series and now turn to working on the next novel(s) that wait patiently for me to conclude them on the male side. Three started, then a pause and a new concept devours my thoughts, so another one begins… and thus it repeats. Writing is my therapy, and I’ve been neglecting it as I slowly unwound into this new future I’ve been living. Within the past 2 1/2 years, I lost my mother, father, and sister (last April). Unfortunately, I don’t think my dog is going to make it another year either. She has been the best pet ever, and one reason that I don’t venture out for extended periods… too many questions that would be asked.
This season means something different to all of us, but let me end my wandering with this. Kindness is a must if you are to survive, giving will enrich your spirit, and forgiveness will set you free. I practice kindness as much as I can… (except when driving…) and I’ve found little ways to begin forgiving others and myself for past transgressions. By giving my time, and my assurances to others, monetarily, with out-of-the-blue helpful gestures, and in many other ways, I’ve benefited myself and others. It makes it easier to do the biggest forgiveness of all… to me, for all that I blamed myself for in this world that I live in.
Find all the small moments that you can in happiness… share them…
Until next time…
More Articles by Sabrina (Brina) MacTavish
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- Hello 2025! An Invitation to submit an Article.
- Left or Right?
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Hi Sabrina, I enjoyed your article and your writing style very much, and maybe one day, I’ll get to read your novel. The message in your article rings close to home since I also see myself in the mirror, half my actual age. Maybe I’m one of those exceptions, but I also like to dress in clothes meant for someone much younger. As many have said, people are usually kinder to one another at Christmas. However, I have also found that most cross-dressers don’t wait until the last month of the year to spread good cheer. People like us are… Read more »
LOL… the only way a pair of exquisite shoes will appear under my tree is if Santa puts them there. I asked… we’ll see. I agree that many of us have become more tolerant towards others because of who we are. I think it must first begin with acceptance of who we are. As mentioned to another reply, denying this side of me made me less tolerant and unforgiving. To use a Christmas analogy. Acceptance of who I am and what it has meant to me is the equivalent of Scrooge changing his ways. I am a better person and… Read more »
Brina – Thank you for such a thoughtful article and reflection on the holiday season. I am sorry for your losses, it is never easy especially at holiday time. I find that remembering the good times helps, reminiscing as an ornament with meaning is put on the tree. I hope you have a blessed holiday. Like most I spent most of my life hidden deeply from myself when it came to dressing. There were rare occasions that I snuck out but not very often or for long. As a result I was an introvert afraid of being discovered and shamed.… Read more »
So many wonderful thoughts in there! I’m guessing that once your wife accepted that part of you, she also began to like the changes she saw on the other side. Those happy memories are a wonderful comfort. Thanks for the comments and may you have a happy holiday season, too!
Hi Sabrina, lovely name, same as my VP in our CD Club. I have recently sent in a short article on CDs and age appropriate dressing. Not approved yet but I wanted to make the point that you are as young as you feel (within reason, of course). I am mature myself but I don’t wear granny dresses (although I will sometime to shock our club members). My preference is nice miniskirts and boots. I let the mirror tell me what it thinks. I’m certainly not opposed to more conservative dress but I just happen to prefer a younger, sexy… Read more »
I’m all for it if you can wear it. This goes for anyone. Life is short, and only your confidence level dictates what is right for you. My observation is more directly related to blending in if that is your intent—finding ways not to be clocked by others, harassed, or put in harm’s way. Also stating the opposite, we don’t have to be bland or frumpy either. Thanks for the comments! Happy Holidays 🙂
@Sabrina (Brina) MacTavish Do you have any examples of being harassed yourself or is this just a typical fear in the background?
I lived in an apartment complex after my divorce, lost weight, was in the best shape of my life, and thought I looked great. I felt as if I’d dressed appropriately–my idea of the 40ish stylish woman. I walked (what I thought) well in my 4-inch pumps and tight dress. It was summer and I’d tanned by the pool. I had the makeup full (and that was what probably gave me away) and it was hot. I’m sure I didn’t look as good as I did when I left. Who knows what gave me away, but all the stares noted… Read more »
@Sabrina (Brina) MacTavish Thanks, Sabrina.
It’s just that I don’t see a lot of bad interactions posted on CDH. There could be a number of valid reasons for that, but then that creates a comfort bubble for us, too.
Security is something that should concern us all. There is still some resentment/dislike of crossdressers but I haven’t seen any obvious distress where I live. Recently, I was walking to my car from the gay/crossdresser friendly club we frequent and was a block away about 10.30 at night. I saw 5 youngish men walking the opposite way and quickly approaching me. I briefly thought to change to the other side of the street but didn’t. They just parted and went around me then hooted. I was wearing a bright miniskirt and long blond hair which would draw attention. They could… Read more »
Brina, another great article. I so hope you can find the time and place to go out and be out as Brina. I am basically full time now. I would love to meet you face to face for a cup of coffee and conversation. Love to meet in the Des Moines, Ames area.
Cassie
Down the road, we could certainly do that. We’ll need to see how the spring goes. Thanks for the comments. Happy Holidays!
@Sabrina (Brina) MacTavish Sabrina, a wonderfully written article. Thank you. I’m so sorry to hear of your losses. We’ve had a couple recently. It’s tough but natural. I’ll pick two words out of your list that cover it for me. Curse, and need. Curse because life would have been so much easier without being drawn inexorably to a desire to wear feminine clothes, and need because, well I just need to feel feminine at times. And I currently can’t have that. So I’m not seeing much wonderment at the moment. I’m with you on regrets. I so wish I’d been… Read more »
LOL… It’s funny, both your pun and how we see this world. Today, for me, it’s a blessing and not a curse. Some will never come to that point and others may feel it from the onset. For most of us, it is an inkling that we know we should accept, but… it only happens when we finally get that “Ah Ha" moment. The best analogy I can offer is taking your child on college tours and they turn to you (sometimes to our befuddlement) and say, “This is it; this is where I want to go." Somewhere along the… Read more »
@Sabrina (Brina) MacTavish Brina, I have always accepted who I am, and I’m totally comfortable with it. My problem is I have no opportunity to embrace my girly side 😢 xx.
@Sabrina (Brina) MacTavish Hi Sabrina. Thank you for sharing these thoughts with us. I too wish I could have enjoyed glamorous and sparkly outfits when younger and gone out into the world dressed as I so wanted (still want) to be dressed. Last night I again brought up my desire to crossdress with my wife for the first time in many years. As previously, she did not respond to this how I would want her to, basically telling me that she still just doesn’t understand this need of mine so to prevent her becoming more upset I just dropped the… Read more »
Thanks for commenting. We all have that “Life" we have to live. It requires sacrifice to keep it in balance. Like most, we hid our secrets until either caught or it required us to tell. Once exposed, the covenant changes as we are trying to modify it. New negotiations must happen, and redrawn boundaries ensue. In some instances, the relationship with grow as (we the CD) both parties adapt. From our perspective and maybe most spouses that give us the opportunity, they’ll see a happier and more content, more tolerant, and more helpful spouse. Others will see the diminished man… Read more »
I don’t want to lose her, but just wish she could try to understand this part of me…maybe I haven’t explained properly how much joy I get from just the feel of wearing nylon stockings, silky underwear, high heels, blonde wigs and bright red lipstick? Rejection of crossdressing could be based on something deeply ingrained when young. For example, in a recent discussion with my wife she mentioned something that her mother told her. Basically, it was don’t do something that will bring shame on the family. How does a CD counter something that an SO’s mother told her when… Read more »
Thank you, Sabrina, for another lovely article that is a wonderful reflection on life as we (CD) know it. There are so many times I would love to be in Janet mode that I can’t and don’t want to for the impact it would have on others and my relationships. Not commenting on how lovely something would look on female friends or acquaintances is a small part of what I wish was completely acceptable. I am going to start this year yet to address some of the challenges you outlined head on by opening up to more. It all probably… Read more »
Thanks for the comments! I agree that we hold back in fear, but I’ve also seen the benefits of being able to say “What a lovely shade of blue; it suits you!" to some of the customers I’ve encountered. I also make it a point to compliment those who have a great perfume on. I tell male shoppers or those I meet the same thing. Giving a compliment is never bad… well… as far as I can tell… I don’t always have to wear the dress and heels, sometimes… like at this moment, my women’s pink sweat pants, slippers, and… Read more »
Um, because they are golf shirts? 😇
Yes, that is true, but I reference the days when I was much younger, and any (Man) seen wearing (feminine) colors was perceived to be gay or odd, and most certainly to receive derogatory comments.
Love the pushing of boundaries on colors. I have some orange pants, a pair of Lululemon shorts in mauve, and other clothes that make drab, well, less drab! Happy Holidays, Sabrina!💋
Thanks! 🙂
Thanks for that update, your work in the store sounds absorbing. I know how tempting they are, having grabbed a pair of chunky heels in a similar place yesterday as a guy, embarrassed but knowing they were perfect.
I can also say, in my little rural corner of Midwest people, that we don’t even talk about any customers in that regard. I can’t speak to other places, but there is so much more to do than talk about who might be what. Any conversation on customers is generally on how much they bought or whether they were polite/rude or trying to swipe an item by hiding it inside a purse they are buying or a holiday box. I’m still not planning on showing up to work in my skirt anytime soon though… Thanks for the comments. Happy Holidays!
Hi Sabrina ,I don’t think you have anything to worry about wearing short skirts as you have those great legs of yours to compliment them .Funny you should mention your working in a thrift store as only yesterday I read a book by Nicole C called Thrift Girl all about how a he would pop designer clothes etc. to one side hiding them to purchase after he finishes his shift and becomes a she to model and sell the clothes online for profit .
Love petita xxx
I could see that happening. One of the regulations is anything we buy (get a discount) must be rung up by someone else… so… how to avoid all the questions when buying the fabulous… I could also see incorporating that into a novel as well. Thanks for commenting! Happy Holidays,
Thank you Brina, I enjoyed your article and all the comments that followed. Reading through the comments and appreciating the fact that you mention how important kindness is in our relationship with others and ourselves, I came to the thought that my crossdressing is a way to honour my feminine traits that I know have always been present in my life. I do believe that the so called binary of gender misses the fact that we all have the capacity to make the world more tolerable for all.
Great point, and I strongly agree! Thanks for the comments. Have a happy holiday season.