In Shakespeare’s time, men played all the female roles. Wouldn’t that have been fun? Not only was it acceptable, but it was also mainstream, and what wonderful clothing we could wear. If we can learn anything from history, it is that varying notions can change—for either better or worse. If you are like me, there is an ebb and flow to your dressing. At times, the anxiety of not dressing is worse than the fight against wanting to.
I really feel like Charlie Brown running to kick the football and knowing Lucy is going to pull it away. I can’t stop myself from the smallest glimmer of hope. Will there ever be a world in which it is okay for anyone to be what they want? And just exactly, what does that entail? I look through all of my clothing and hair options, wondering what my best friends would think if they saw me dressed in all my glory. I know many of you have already experienced this. I’ve read your recounting of friends and family lost to those who were accepting and became closer. I have no doubts that I would… be surprised. We are the perfect example of saying one thing and truthfully meaning something else. We hide who we are while pretending to be that which we are not. I mention my golf partner (who does kind things but is one of those who is perceived as a right-wing bigot.) because I do my best to see beyond his words and withhold permanent judgment of his soul.
My other golf buddy has a married, lesbian daughter and she at times claims to be trans (searching for her own truth). You would expect them to react in a certain way, just like the millions of unknowing, uneducated people expect us to act and be based on their perceptions. How would my long-time best friend react? Every song or story has that arc where someone unexpected will stand with you while those we believe will turn their backs. Of course, in the movie, one of them comes back and depending on whether it’s a drama or comedy, will potentially throw you to the wolves again or lift you up. What I can’t say with any certainty is which one of the three will still be there after seeing me dressed. Some of you would like to tell me that I should find out, or to immediately dump the bigoted one, or not to care and to just be me and take it as it comes. In the past, I had responsibilities that I wouldn’t exchange to find out. Now, with the passing of both of my parents, who am I worried about? Me, for the simple answer. I am the one burdened by uncertainty.
I’ve been described as a person with great clarity who sees the bigger picture and gets things done… and yet, here I still am, tossed about in my ongoing search for “My Truth.” What I can say is that I am enthralled with everything feminine and always have been. If I had that in my partner, would I dress as much? Good question. Do I dress (being single for over 10 years) because I lack that from another or because I am that? My ex-wife was very good with her makeup but lacked any type of sex appeal. (A lot to do with her toxic personality.) The more I tried to speak to the things that attracted me, the more she belittled me. My other relationship was with someone who was kind (a trait important to me) but didn’t wear makeup, or jewelry and rarely dressed up. My god, what would I be if I had married Raquel Welch or Sophia Vergara? Would they have been enough?
Truthfully, I don’t believe so, and I would have stretched out many of their clothes and surely broken some of their shoes in my unrelenting need to wear them. What they would have brought to me is the reflection of what I need to be me. I have that now with my closet full of dresses and shoes, plus the ability to dress whenever I like. What I don’t have is recognition and acceptance from others. Yes, you all count, but you know what I mean. My daughters are in the don’t tell, don’t let us see, and we don’t talk about it, stage, but I could see that changing if I pursue the next steps that I keep saying I should. It’s more likely every day, as I want to hear what a professional has to say. I am a difficult subject to be sure. As the counselor is trying to evaluate me, I will be doing so in return.
What perplexes me is what would I feel like if I took the steps to HRT. Do I even want to know? Would it ruin what I have, make it better, or even become more confusing? That is my mind at work. If all I’m worried about is me, and I have ample opportunity to dress, to move and start fresh elsewhere, and live my best life, why concern myself with it? Because… I might just find out that I really am more as easily as I might find the satisfaction to know that I’m not. And that will… possibly change nothing as I’m going to stay put and spend oodles of money on dresses on eBay and continue to golf with my (ignorant to what I am) golf buddies.
I need to, want to, and love to dress. I am part woman (maybe more) than I am man, most assuredly so on the inside. I would love my outside to at least be more neutral, which I am working on. I get that HRT would help with that (A huge draw for me), but I’m already losing distance off my drives… In a world that currently demonizes us, why would I want to put myself out there? I wouldn’t, at least not here where I live. My decision may be to sell the big house I don’t need with all of its maintenance and move away as I fantasize about. Live my life as the daring gender-neutral person who is (hopefully) accepted by their community, and let nature determine the ultimate outcome (HRT to be or not to be)
What I have accepted, that curbs the anxiety I once felt, is that it’s okay to be more than just a crossdresser, because aren’t we all wanting to be more in some capacity than what we are… a better husband, father, friend, worker, volunteer? Aren’t we looking for acceptance in all aspects of our lives, not just for wearing a dress and high heels? I am Brina and she is me; together we make one hell of a team. I’m only sorry that it took most of my life to recognize that fact. (I do wish she’d curb her spending some…) I love the feel of a pretty dress and the alluring scent of exotic perfume, regardless of whether I’m the one to wear them. Finding a partner that accepts this side of me (No… embraces this side) would be amazing. I just may have to kick the ball that Lucy is holding for it to come true, not likely, but being an optimist like Charlie Brown, maybe this time it will be different!
Have a wonderful Fall (or Spring) and find that spark within yourself that fans the fire to be more, in whatever it is you desire.
Until next time…
More Articles by Sabrina (Brina) MacTavish
- It’s a Wonderful (CD) Life
- A Crossdresser Thanksgiving
- Where has My Woman gone?
- Farmer’s Tan
- Changing it Up!