Welcome! I’m so glad you’ve stumbled across this site, as I believe it is truly the best place for CD/TG support anywhere, and that goes for partners who need support too. So, you’re here, and you probably have a lot of questions. Or maybe you’re just confused, scared or angry. I’m writing this article to tell you, IT’S OK to feel how you are feeling. There are members in the SO (significant others) forum who have experienced a range of emotions from rage to acceptance, and there is no “right” way to feel.
I’m pretty new to all of this too, and I have accepted, even embraced my partners need to CD. But guess what? If you’re not sure you can accept it, know that your reaction is more common. I think it is important for partners who are struggling with this news to know that they don’t need to feel guilty or ashamed for feeling how they do. What I do hope, though, is that you will ask questions and learn more about what it means to be a partner of a CD, and this site is a great place to do that. Maybe over time, the things you initially felt will soften or fade, or maybe not, but you will know that you tried, and I think that can be comforting during such a confusing time in your relationship.
I’d like to share some information that I found to be very helpful as I was trying to understand my partner’s crossdressing. Please note that I am not speaking from the perspective of a CD, only sharing some of what I found that was most helpful. The statements below may or may not apply to you and your partner.
Most crossdressers aren’t gay. The vast majority of crossdressers are heterosexual men. That your partner is gay is a common misconception, and often the first question that partners have when they find out. In reality, the likelihood that a crossdresser is gay or bisexual is about the same as the general population.
Loving a crossdresser doesn’t make you gay, either. I’m not attracted to women, so I wasn’t sure how I would feel when I saw my partner fully dressed and made up. For me, I just thought she looked really pretty, and I looked into her eyes and saw the same person I’d always loved. Some partners are never comfortable being intimate when their partner is in femme mode, and that’s ok too. So much of growing in a relationship with a crossdresser is about finding balance. Crossdressing is much more than a sexual fetish, and many crossdressers don’t associate their dressing with their sexual desires.
Being a crossdresser isn’t the same as wanting to be a woman. While some crossdressers do identify as transsexual and hope to transition, many more do not. Most simply feel that they have a feminine side of themselves, and crossdressing is a way to express this. They want to feel pretty, just like we do. Most crossdressers are happy living as a man most of the time, but they feel a strong need to express their feminine side. Keep in mind, as well, that this feminine side is likely responsible for creating the sensitive, loving person that you fell in love with.
Your partner probably doesn’t really understand their need to crossdress either. Try to remember that this is hard for him too. I honestly believe that just as one cannot choose their sexual preference, crossdressing isn’t something people just choose to do. It’s in their DNA. I have read story after story about how ashamed people felt about this part of them. How they would purge everything feminine thing they own and suppress their feelings for a while, only to have that desire come back. Or how husbands are often married for 10 or 20 years, and their partner doesn’t know, because they are so ashamed and afraid to lose them. These feelings and hardships, they aren’t something that anyone would choose. And whether you learned of your partner’s need to crossdress by walking in on them dressed, or they found the courage to tell you themselves, know that they might not have all the answers you seek, because they are still trying to understand it themselves.
You can have a happy, healthy relationship with a crossdresser. You now share a special part of your partner that likely very few people know about. This part does not have to define your relationship. If you decide to try to make things work, your marriage or partnership might not change as much as you’d think. You’ll probably develop an even closer bond with your partner, but there may be some bumps along the way as you figure out how to find balance with this part of your relationship. Some partners know about dressing and accept it, but don’t want to see it or participate, and some partners share makeup and get each other dolled up to go out together. You will need to work together and communicate often to find what will work within your relationship.
Learning that your partner is a crossdresser can be overwhelming, but you’ve found a community of people who understand how you feel. I don’t know you or your situation and maybe your feelings are insurmountable but if you’re here and have read this far, I suspect you love your partner a whole lot and want to understand them better. I hope that we here at Crossdresser Heaven can be a resource for you in this confusing time.
More Articles by *Trisha Anne
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*Trisha Anne
Latest posts by *Trisha Anne (see all)
- The Insecurities of Loving a Crossdresser - June 24, 2018
- To the Partner of a Newly Outed Crossdresser - June 10, 2018
- Deciding That Love Matters Most - March 14, 2018
Thank you so very much for writing this wonderful article!
Wow – what fantastic advice. Thank you, you’ve answered so many questions I had in my head x.
A wonderful article…My SO and I read it together and had a great discussion afterwards. . He knew I was CD going into the relationship.As a matter of fact I was fully dressed when we met. That was an interesting evening in itself. He recognized my name from the name tag I was wearing at an art crawl event. Eight years ago he was my 4th grade teacher and I was in his first class as a teacher.
Thanks for the article…from both of us
Morgan and Jeff
Trisha Anne,
Thank you for posting this article. Your comments apply to me so much. I have met several supporting women recently and hope to find a romantic relationship with a woman that I can be all of who I am.
Warmest regards,
Kendra
Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your article. As a newly outed SO, I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I’m sure my struggle is no where near where his has been for so long. Discussing with outsiders wasn’t an option as I wouldn’t want to embarrass my husband before he’s ready. My emotions are a roller coaster right now and I am hopeful love wins out over everything else. He’s my best friend. I am hoping this site can help me understand him more and strengthen what we have shared for 25 years. No way can I… Read more »
I’m glad my article was helpful. My partner and I aren’t together anymore, but it was his choice, not mine. I’ll still try to be on site occasionally, for support. I do believe it can work, and our situation was tricky. Good for you, being an amazing, supportive partner!
As the wife of a newly outed crossdresser, I really haven’t had a hard time accepting how my man feels and wants to look like. I love him for who he is and I want him to be entirely himself. However, since his femme persona has become a part of our daily life, it feels like my husband is, well basically, emotionally cheating on me. The attention and admiration I once received from him is now going to “another woman", and I’m getting his leftovers. I sometimes feel like I am a bother to him when he is his manly… Read more »
Dear AD, exactly what I feel! When they change clothes, they change personalities, instead of being a kinder and more compassionate person, they become selfish and totally focused on what they want.
I just turned 67. 2 days before my SO announced his cross dressing. We have been together for 8 years. This has been a really tough year, my daughter committed suicide and I have been diagnosed with renal cancer. In anticipation of chemo, I cut my long hair and I have gained weight, going from a size 6 to a 12 just because I am so exhausted all the time. So I feel like had I been the woman I was before he wouldn’t have suddenly fallen in love with his femme. I feel like an abysmal failure. As I… Read more »
Dearest Dana, my heart hurts for you, I’m 67 too, but have not had the frightening health issues you have had to endure… I’m a very plain woman, never was or wanted to be a girly girl, no make-up, never wear skirts or dresses, don’t hang out with other women…my SO is my world, and when he is in fem mode, I feel abandoned and distraught, like you said …in love with themselves as they imagine they are with… It is so sad that he is too self-absorbed to see how it hurts you. But it seems like that’s the… Read more »
Such well stated insight into what it is to be in a relationship with a CD. Thank you!
Thank you so much for this article I needed to read this. My husband just came out to me as a cross dresser a couple of days ago after six years together and it’s been an emotional roller coaster some days. I feel really bad because I want to be completely comfortable with him when it comes to his fem side but I can’t seem to wrap my head around it sometimes but I love him so much and I want him to feel comfortable and loved all at the same time. I can’t really speak to anyone about it… Read more »
Thank you for sharing your insight. I wish my SO will ever read your message. She is a very conservative person. I revealed to my SO about my desire; and that I could have gender dysphoria and wish to be a woman. She uttered angrily “don’t tell the girls". What do you think it may mean? What should I do? Can I put on my lingerie when going to bed? I have only been doing it when I am by myself for the fear of hurting her and the girls. The desire to put on my lingerie is getting stronger.… Read more »