To the Partner of a Newly Outed Crossdresser

Welcome! I’m so glad you’ve stumbled across this site, as I believe it is truly the best place for CD/TG support anywhere, and that goes for partners who need support too. So, you’re here, and you probably have a lot of questions. Or maybe you’re just confused, scared or angry. I’m writing this article to tell you, IT’S OK to feel how you are feeling. There are members in the SO (significant others) forum who have experienced a range of emotions from rage to acceptance, and there is no “right” way to feel.

I’m pretty new to all of this too, and I have accepted, even embraced my partners need to CD. But guess what? If you’re not sure you can accept it, know that your reaction is more common. I think it is important for partners who are struggling with this news to know that they don’t need to feel guilty or ashamed for feeling how they do. What I do hope, though, is that you will ask questions and learn more about what it means to be a partner of a CD, and this site is a great place to do that. Maybe over time, the things you initially felt will soften or fade, or maybe not, but you will know that you tried, and I think that can be comforting during such a confusing time in your relationship.

I’d like to share some information that I found to be very helpful as I was trying to understand my partner’s crossdressing. Please note that I am not speaking from the perspective of a CD, only sharing some of what I found that was most helpful. The statements below may or may not apply to you and your partner.

Crossdresser Heaven - Find Your Tribe

Most crossdressers aren’t gay. The vast majority of crossdressers are heterosexual men. That your partner is gay is a common misconception, and often the first question that partners have when they find out. In reality, the likelihood that a crossdresser is gay or bisexual is about the same as the general population.

Loving a crossdresser doesn’t make you gay, either. I’m not attracted to women, so I wasn’t sure how I would feel when I saw my partner fully dressed and made up. For me, I just thought she looked really pretty, and I looked into her eyes and saw the same person I’d always loved. Some partners are never comfortable being intimate when their partner is in femme mode, and that’s ok too. So much of growing in a relationship with a crossdresser is about finding balance. Crossdressing is much more than a sexual fetish, and many crossdressers don’t associate their dressing with their sexual desires.

Being a crossdresser isn’t the same as wanting to be a woman. While some crossdressers do identify as transsexual and hope to transition, many more do not. Most simply feel that they have a feminine side of themselves, and crossdressing is a way to express this. They want to feel pretty, just like we do. Most crossdressers are happy living as a man most of the time, but they feel a strong need to express their feminine side. Keep in mind, as well, that this feminine side is likely responsible for creating the sensitive, loving person that you fell in love with.

Your partner probably doesn’t really understand their need to crossdress either. Try to remember that this is hard for him too. I honestly believe that just as one cannot choose their sexual preference, crossdressing isn’t something people just choose to do. It’s in their DNA. I have read story after story about how ashamed people felt about this part of them. How they would purge everything feminine thing they own and suppress their feelings for a while, only to have that desire come back. Or how husbands are often married for 10 or 20 years, and their partner doesn’t know, because they are so ashamed and afraid to lose them. These feelings and hardships, they aren’t something that anyone would choose. And whether you learned of your partner’s need to crossdress by walking in on them dressed, or they found the courage to tell you themselves, know that they might not have all the answers you seek, because they are still trying to understand it themselves.

You can have a happy, healthy relationship with a crossdresser. You now share a special part of your partner that likely very few people know about. This part does not have to define your relationship. If you decide to try to make things work, your marriage or partnership might not change as much as you’d think. You’ll probably develop an even closer bond with your partner, but there may be some bumps along the way as you figure out how to find balance with this part of your relationship. Some partners know about dressing and accept it, but don’t want to see it or participate, and some partners share makeup and get each other dolled up to go out together. You will need to work together and communicate often to find what will work within your relationship.

Learning that your partner is a crossdresser can be overwhelming, but you’ve found a community of people who understand how you feel. I don’t know you or your situation and maybe your feelings are insurmountable but if you’re here and have read this far, I suspect you love your partner a whole lot and want to understand them better. I hope that we here at Crossdresser Heaven can be a resource for you in this confusing time.

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  1. Terri Anne 4 months ago

    Trisha Anne, Very well written piece. You and your partner have what appears to be a wonderful loving relationship that I believe will endure for a very long time. As you have said you two are soul mates.
    Bless you both. I am proud to call you my CDH friends.
    -Terri Anne

  2. Miss P 4 months ago

    I am glad to add my thanks to the others.
    I appreciate your candor and helpful comments.
    I will send your article to my wife that she may hear your voice on all of this.
    Again, thanks.

  3. Pippi Long 4 months ago

    Very nice to here from the other side of the coin . A womans prospective that is . I wish more females understood this .thank you for your article loved it !

  4. Thank you Trish now if I can just find a way to get my wife to look at this article. Thanks so much for your support of the community and standing beside us all.

  5. Jenna 4 months ago

    Trisha,
    Thank you so much for your article, it was absolutely wonderful.
    I truly wish that other SO’S would take the course you did in trying to understand his/her needs in life. You are an example of faith the way you are today.
    Sincerely, with hugs and kisses,
    Jenna

  6. Chrissie Cross 4 months ago

    Spot on Trisha! Well said! 🙂

  7. rachel 4 months ago

    I’m not sure, in my case, that the crossdressing is in my DNA – more to do with the battles with hormones as a teenager which I didn’t understand then but can now.

  8. Leslie 4 months ago

    Great article and thank you so much for providing this advice. I will be sure to share it with my spouse when the opportunity arises.

  9. Sophie Frenchie 4 months ago

    Trisha, thank you for your article. I am very touched by your compassion and love towards your husband. The information that you have republished here is valuable to many CDs, those in transition and SOs. I recognise a great deal within the text. I arrived at this site at a critical time in my life, which I now regard as right time, right place. I have moved on so much with my life since that day and apart from living as a woman I am also a part of the team that run this site. I still experience difficulties but they are more the normal day to day life issues that everyone deals with. I am very pleased to say that I am in transition and living a very happy life. I am eternally gratefull to the love, friendship and support I found here and happy to be a part of it and support others when I can find time to be here.
    Your articles is an extremely valuable contribution and I thank you on behalf of all those yet to find it.
    xx

  10. Stef Smith 4 months ago

    This is great info and a must read and resource for cd ers trying to tell their partners

  11. Jenna Lee Freeman 4 months ago

    Thank you Trisha for your article. I wish all SOs were as undersranding and educated as you. CDing is NOT a disease we catch, but rather a part of our personality. We can’t change this part of our being, anymore than someone can change themselves from a small petit person, into a big linebacker for the NFL. Thanks again.
    Jenna Lee

  12. Sarah Daniels (SC) 4 months ago

    Well spoken Trisha. Simple and truthful. As others have said…Nailed it!!

  13. Wanda Full 4 months ago

    Trisha: You nailed it Girl. Your insight and understanding is beyond description. Thank you for accepting us as we are. Everyone’s situation is different and we all need to take it one day at a time, hopefully, other SO’s can relate, and have a successful relationship with their SO’s. Thank you Trisha, you are a very special person, and we love you!

  14. Gisela Claudine 4 months ago

    It’s a great article Trisha. We are very lucky you have joined CDH. You are very important in here like all those who belong to this beautiful community. You go deep in great truths and analyze them with wisdom. I have enjoyed the reading. Congratulations.

  15. *skippy1965(Cynthia) 4 months ago

    Trisha,
    What an awesome article! You and your partner are both so incredibly lucky to have each other. Your love for your partner shines through as you talk about them, and by the fact that you took the time to learn about this side of your partner and even embrace it. Thank you for helping us understand how our partners deal with us and for helping our SO members know that being a CD doesn’t mean we love our SOs any less or that they have somehow done or not done something to “cause” our CDing. You are an awesome ambassador who has really made the site special place for all in our community and for our loved ones!
    Cyn

  16. Paula 4 months ago

    Thanks for the great article and your willingness to research further for a better understanding. I wish more SOs would do the same.

  17. Great article Trisha! I am always impressed by your understanding and your ability to express yourself so well.

    April

  18. Rhonda Roe... 4 months ago

    Great article Trisha. I think many will relate to it
    Hugs
    *Rhonda*

  19. Samantha G..... 4 months ago

    Thank you Trisha, I think the SO group is a really important part of CDH and hope it will continue to grow.

    Hugs….

  20. Linda 4 months ago

    So well done Trisha for writing this, thank you.

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