I learnt a valuable lesson this week – a lesson I’m sure I’ll need to relearn often as I come out to more people and spend more of my life as a woman. As I write this I feel stronger, more secure, more capable and more loved than I have for a long time. It all started in despair…
Two weeks ago I shared my transgender journey with a friend. I had nervously edged towards this point, since once said such a thing cannot be unsaid. Staying within my comfort zone, until then I had only shared with family and friends I knew would be accepting. This was the first time I was sharing with a friend where I had doubts, leaving myself to the mercy of chance and good fortune.
It started well enough – I told him over lunch and he seemed very supportive. While he couldn’t understand why I could possibly want to go through with this, he was empathetic and sensitive. The next day was another story. I guess time allowed the thought to ravage his good sense and erode the sensitivity from the day earlier.
He did something that left me shocked and dazed. I won’t disclose any details, since it’s quite personal and something I’m sure he would not wish shared with the lovely readers of Crossdresser Heaevn. Suffice to say I was reeling. Trying to reconcile his previous acceptance with his actions just a day later was difficult enough. Worse yet was that at the time I accepted his actions.
For weeks I wallowed in depression and self doubt. I questioned my purpose for being, my other friendships and my ability to live a life of worth. Even the smallest slight or difficulty would seem to crush me under it’s weight, as if all my past failures were heaped on top of it.
Until I shared the story with a friend, who’s first reaction was, “A friend wouldn’t do that! He’s a jerk for acting like that.” And so it finally dawned on me – he had treated me with disrespect and in my yearning for acceptance I had let him. I had sabotaged my self esteem and it had been gnawing on my subconscious ever since.
I decided to stand up for myself. To let him know how I felt when he treated me that way, and with a firm but still open to continue our friendship tone I shared with him. Right away I felt better – I respected myself and refused to be treated poorly, and I could feel the psychological benefits soothing my mind.
He used that moment to end our friendship, and I’m at peace with that. I realized that I would rather have the world reject me than compromise my own identity. After all – what’s the point of transitioning if you’re still going to pretend you’re someone else?
P.S. I apologize for the odd post that came through yesterday. I’m trying out some new tools for writing blog posts, and in their wisdom they decided to post nonsense to my blog.