Over the years I have felt as though I could only expose Char to people with whom I felt safe and trusted. If I felt unsure or afraid I would simply slink back into the shadows and remain unseen and unheard.
Moving to small town in Canada twenty years ago was a huge decision for me simply because the area I was moving to, now my home, was filled with “good ol’ boys”. That’s not intended in any way to be negative. It’s just that the majority of folks around here are farmers, welders, ranchers and so on.
Many with hands big enough to easily crush a skull. Women who are used to throwing 80 to 100-pound hay bales around. Not many slightly built, prissy and feminine men around and in fact, not many gentle and delicate women either. All in all, these folks are a hearty stock of physically intimidating people who are built tough to survive the hard living of farming and heavy equipment operating.
I am not that. I was once told years ago that on Oprah’s swish-o-meter, I was an eleven!
So, what’s this got to do trust? Well, when I first landed in this small town I looked around and saw the people. I saw what I described above and began forming a story in my mind. The story basically said: if I expose delicate Char to these rough and tumble hard working folks, Char may become an endangered species rather quickly.
I imagined burning crosses in my front yard, things being thrown through the bay window and nasty stuff being spray painted on the outside walls of the house I was sleeping in.
In fact, I created some incredible stories that quite literally scared the bejeebers out of me to the degree that I kept the black out curtains closed, the door locked 24/7 when I was home, and I would sit silently in my room waiting until who ever was knocking at the door had left.
Fast forward a few years and a knock on my door; this time, dressed authentically I acted before I could change my mind and in one smooth action, I swung the door open. There stood one of the local good-ole’ boys. He asked me, on behalf of the locals, if I would be interested and willing to run for Mayor of our small town. What??? Me? Are you kidding me?
The long and short of it is he was serious, I said yes, served and eventually stepped down, but in this process, I learned something profoundly beautiful and freeing for me.
I learned that the story I had told myself was simply one I had made up about the locals, and it was a total lie; no truth to it at all! The feel was real but the why, was a lie!
The fear, though it felt very real to me, was something I had created by myself, by telling the story that I was in danger if I was authentic and exposed as the local cross-dresser/trans. Basically, I thought and talked myself into being scared to death to step out my own door dressed nicely.
It has taken me several years to untangle my mind in that regard. Now I am free to be me because I have changed my mind. The trust was not that “they” might do something mean, that was the story I had made up, but rather that “I didn’t trust myself” to be able to take care of little prissy Char should anything nasty actually happen.
Just for the record, nothing bad ever has happened with these folks. I have come to understand that we, at times, make up a story in our mind based on other stories we have heard and maybe mixed it in with some facts to instill fear in the self. Due to not trusting my adult self to handle a situation well, I created a story so terrifying, and appearing to be about “them” that I actually created years of my own suffering and anxiety.
What is a story you are telling yourself? Is it one that empowers and supports you in your expansion to becoming or is it a story that isolates you and causes you to hide behind black out curtains and locked doors? Push the reset button this week and change your mind by telling yourself empowering, uplifting and supportive stories.
Thank you so much for reading.
Namaste’
Char
More Articles by Char
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Char- as always you hit the nail on the head. As some of my early mentors here told me, the prison door is locked NOT from the outside- but from the INSIDE and WE ourselves hold the key. I touched on this in many of my posts here including https://www.crossdresserheaven.com/overcoming-our-deepest-fear/ and https://www.crossdresserheaven.com/its-all-about-me/ and many others. Our own fears hold us back , and those fears are so often much greater than the realities we face when we dare to actually TRY. This doesn’t mean we should be reckless, for like any cis-females must, we need to not put ourselves in… Read more »
I just Love who you are Cyn! Thaaank You from my heart girl. Learning that has been one of the greatest gifts ever because I soon begin to see other areas of my life where I have the door locked based on beliefs not facts…The comfort zone is no place for expansion of the human consciousness. A branch of a tree can be bent in a full circle if the pressure is consistent, evenly present and gentle enough not to break it. I am grateful to be me and honored to serve in raising global consciousness on our tiny blue… Read more »
Thank you for such an insightful article, and it is true that we are often our own worse enemy.
Amy
…aaaaand, we have the power to change our role from Victim to Creator…one baby step at a time, Mmmmmm
Namaste’
Dear soul
n huggles of course hehe
Char
Incredible!
hehehe well said, and Thank you so very much Leslie
Namaste’
n huggles girlfriend
Char
Great article – and I completely identify with what you’re saying. For me, I just delayed telling my wife about my crossdressing for way too many years. And it was all based on the “story" I told myself that she would never, ever be accepting. And that was just my own discomfort with myself being projected onto her. I let my CDing out in dribs and drabs, and when I finally decided to come clean, it was super awkward, and mostly because I felt so awkward about it that I made it worse. Telling myself a positive story would have… Read more »
Awe thank you Alexis; I love your name 🙂
Telling an empowering story really does change everything as we take our baby steps on this incredible journey of self dis-covery 🙂
Thank you for sharing Leslie
Namaste’
and always huggles my friend
Char
Char, I’ve read a few of your articles and I really appreciate them. You are so good with words. This one really struck a chord. I’ve lived my whole life, fearing things that (mostly) never came to pass. In my case I think it had to do with self esteem. “Of course the worst will happen because I’m a screw up, a wierdo, so different, etc". I think I’ve sabotaged so many good moments, not done things just in case I made a mistake. Also people say we sabotage ourselves because we’re afraid to succeed. We might get that promotion… Read more »
Kim,
the article I wrote and referenced above ( https://www.crossdresserheaven.com/overcoming-our-deepest-fear/ ) addresses just that thought- not what if I fail but what if I succeed? Sometimes that can be almost more frightening then failing in what it could mean for the future path.
Cyn
Thanks Cynthia,
I will read it. I have read some of what you have written. I feel the same as about articles by Char, Gabriela, Vanessa Law and so many others. I’m a reader so now when people ask me what are you reading I just grin. Just self help stuff I tell them. I will read the article you mentioned. Thanks Cyn, and for everything. I see you out there welcoming everyone. Like that land lady in “tales of the city".
XX
Kim.
Hahaha perfect answer Kim haha
Good onya girlfriend 🙂 !!
YES! sooo true hey Cyn? ; the imagination can always conjure up a much worse scenario than what 99.999% of the time ever happens,, if anything happens at all.
I have had maybe 3 “unpleasant" experiences, people just ignored me or acted snobbish,, several “whatever" experiences like cat calls or name calling from a distance or moving vehicle, one where I was a little concerned, and not one where I genuinely feared my physical safety in several years.
Thanks Cyn, Huggles for you Dear
Namaste’
Char
Heyyy Kim, my deepest apologies for not seeing this sooner omg, We spend so much time being concerned about what others may think but even worse, we “imagine" the most horrible things they “might" do to us when we are dis-covered. Always take utmost care of you on this adventure Kim. I started doing Mirror talk some years ago, Literally I stand about a foot or two back and look into my own eyes. The first several times I just looked and though, where are you lil Char?" then one day she showed up. I felt her show up and… Read more »