So, it’s the holidays… “Yahoo!” Or is it instead the feeling of, “I won’t have any time to dress.” Being who I am, and I expect, who you might be as well, when it’s been a while the need and desire to dress raises stress and when finally doing so it calms the inner anguish, at least until the regrets filter through for some of us. Our lives are like a never-ending game of “Truth or Dare.”
I have one foot out of the closet, and yes it has a nylon-clad leg and wears a black pump. I’m way out to all of you, I have my closet and drawers filled with clothing and accessories (all easy to find if one were to snoop.) It’s better than having it in hidden places that I have to wait for others to leave in order to retrieve to don my finest frillies. Even though I share a house with my father (mother recently passed,) he has no clue about this other side of me, and if possible, he’ll never know. Thus, I play the game of Truth or Dare. My feminine side is on display in many ways-my ongoing dare. All one would have to do is open a drawer, study the contents of my bathroom closer, or use the powers of observation to detect the slight feminine appearance that I maintain. The truth is that I would love to be out all the time to everyone, and then I also fear the consequence and live somewhere in between. It changes by the moment. The best I can say is, “if it happens, I’ll deal with it then.”
This life has brought me much more good than it has bad. I won’t say it was always that way, but it is now, especially after (not just accepting) but realizing that Brina is not a separate half of me but a vital part of me. The anxiety, shame, confusion, hatred, wondering, and fear of her throughout my life became mere timeline points as the calm, clarity, appreciation, empathy, kindness, thoughtfulness, willingness, well-being, and so many other traits that my feminine side has brought out in me has shown. I still exhibit the masculine traits that are most beneficial to my complicated life, but they are seen many times through a feminine perspective.
“I wish” is a phrase that I’ve used many times, as I’m certain you have, too. Just as it is with aging and our retrospective thoughts on what I wish I’d done differently when younger, being a crossdresser has its share of wishes as well. (Maybe another article down the road.) Today, I reflect on those situations that were so evident of a good Truth or Dare game, even if I was the only participant.
My high school girlfriend wore a strapless, elegant white prom dress with 4” matching white heels, and for a surprise, white nylons held up with a garter belt (The dress went below her knees.) The truth, my continued compliments on how beautiful she looked were also edged with a strong desire to be the one wearing it. I couldn’t understand it then, I do now. The dare was sneaking into the bathroom where it hung and (almost) trying it on.
I once sat at a table with mixed company (many drinks) and listened to the conversation turn rowdy. One guy asked a girl if she’d ever kissed another girl. Her response was, “Have you kissed a boy, do you want to?” Should I have been the one pinned by the question, the truth might have been seen on my face. I might be fairly straight, but I won’t lie and say the thought, when fully dressed, hasn’t crossed my mind or happened in my dreams. I’ve yet to take the dare.
The outfits that I helped to buy my ex-wife were in fact a truth of what I would buy my female self. I didn’t realize this until years went by and those outfits were rarely worn and given away by her. They weren’t her style. It’s a shame, because everyone she tried on looked amazing on her, as did the higher heel that she didn’t like to wear. How many of those outfits have I bought for myself, too many to count or even remember. This does bring up a notion that we dress as we would if we could date ourselves—the all-female version of us. The truth is that we are enamored by the ideal female diva we wished we were. This ideal woman is who I compare all others to. The dare is to pursue that vision to the best of my ability or through transition. I admit that my vision has changed over my life as the sexy stripper look is now the provocative, mature office gal.
I manufactured reasons so that I could find opportunities to dress. “You take the kids and go spend the weekend with your parents. I’m going to watch football with the guys and work on house projects.” The truth was my need to calm away my building anxiety coupled with actually doing the projects—dressed in lingerie and heels (this was before I went all-in). The dare was not closing the curtains or believing that she might ask my (alibi) friends how our day went. It was also doing more than enough to convince her that I held to my (slight-truth). The day of anxiety relief was quickly squashed by the guilt and need to create a believable outcome. You might suggest that it really is more of a Lie and Dare than it is Truth or Dare. But isn’t it only a lie if you get caught? This secret is something that we only tell ourselves. Others might comment that omissions might also be considered lies. I’ll let you debate it.
The last 9 years have been an equal part truth and dare. My truth is that I am a full into it crossdresser and probably more. The dare is to let that part of me that is more show itself. No one seems to notice the thinner eyebrows or that my arms and torso aren’t as hairy as they used to be. They don’t care that my walk is more refined and could be called feminine. No one checks to see if my legs are shaved during the cold months or comment on the lingering smell of perfume, flowered body wash and shampoo I regularly use. Never have I gotten a comment on my female jeans that show off my booty or the wild socks that I like to wear, the neater nails and softer skin from my continual use of body lotion, face crème, and hand lotion. I am careful around my daughters as they (and females in general) are more observant of the things that I described. The ultimate dare is in how far do I go, and why? (Another article someday)
The truth is that we can not rid ourselves of what is really a part of us. We can deny it, fight it, hide from it, curse it, and sometimes go years believing we beat it…only to have it poke us at the strangest moments. And in this truth, “What is wrong with being a crossdresser?” Our answers are individualistic and personal. Those of us who embrace the dares now know that the real question is “Why is it so amazing to be a crossdresser?”
I can’t see a future that doesn’t have me in a dress and heels, nor do I want it to be. I’m as hooked on the pursuit and path of my own femininity as I am in seeing it portrayed stylishly on other crossdressers, cis women, and those in transition. And should life counter me with a dare that I can back out of, I will face it because the woman inside is strong and far from silent and afraid.
I mean it when I say, “Show kindness to others and above all to yourself.” When you chose to see value instead of deficiencies, you’ll see what is ultimately the better you. It can only happen when you allow yourself to accept all of you.
Until next time…
More Articles by Sabrina (Brina) MacTavish
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Sabrina (Brina) MacTavish
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Hi Sabrina , nice article , i always enjoy what you write . Like everyone here i struggle with my fem feelings . I think some of my neighbors know about Leslie , i know my postman does , i order some of my clothes and shoes in my Leslie’s name , bless her heart , she spends a bit . Now i am faced with a new dilemma , my breasts are growing , and i mean the girls are starting to show . If i wear just a t shirt this summer they are going to be noticeable… Read more »
Very important thoughts that you stressed. In our similarities, we are still individuals that must weigh all aspects to find the balance that is acceptable. There are never any easy decisions. Yeah………… Brina spends a bit, too 🙂 (More like 6 or 10 bits). Thank you for the comments and I wish you a more content 2022.
Brina what a great article. You do such a great job writing, very clear interesting and so on the mark. My wife knows about my CD but does not like it when I go out shopping or to a nearby club or the casino in CT. I think that it is great that I have more bras and panties than she does. Also a lot of nightgowns and blouses. Wearing bras and panties every day still need to have a form to add a little shape. Hugs and kisses.
Thanks for sharing 🙂 I’m willing to place a small wager that many of us have more clothes (or bought and purged) than our significant others.
You would win that wager if I am any example…I could fill a warehouse with all the shoes and lingerie that I have thrown out over the 40 years of closet crossdressing
Wonderful article. I really enjoy reading all of your posts.
Thank you.
Thank you, Bethann! 🙂
I enjoyed the article, and you hit on some of the very things I did, like buy my ex sexier clothes and lingerie (some times slightly larger), Since the divorce many moons ago and the kids getting older I found I had much more Jess time and now I can come and go as I please (keeping a journal for the last two years has been fun to go back and read of my excursions and revisit what I wore that day, boots/heels, jewelry etc). I vowed back in the early 2000’s every paycheck to buy myself a new outfit… Read more »
Isn’t that the truth…and the great dare, finding a woman that would be accepting of us and even content enough to be shoes deep into our life. If you find one, let me know if she has a sister… That also brings up the problem with those of us who are single and looking. Where are we going to find that person, just opening up with someone about it takes a lot of courage. If you are like me, you’ve checked out some of the “dating sites" only to find they aren’t the best representation of what to look for.… Read more »
Wow! Just wow! “This does bring up a notion that we dress as we would if we could date ourselves—the all-female version of us. The truth is that we are enamored by the ideal female diva we wished we were. This ideal woman is who I compare all others to.” Your perspective and narrative are so rich with truth.
Thank you❤️
Thanks for commenting! It took me getting divorced and ending another relationship to being single now for 9 years to come to that understanding. Looking back, knowing now what I didn’t then, it’s become clear that we project the inner woman we want to be as our model of feminine desire. I am only attracted to women who wear makeup and love to wear jewelry, have nice nails, wear heels, smell nice…me in other words, the things that I cherish. Those feelings played into every gift I ever bought, sometimes without even realizing it.
OMG do I know that! I saw the cutest dress at Dillard’s, bought it for my wife for Mother’s Day when I really wanted to buy it for me. She wore it once when we went out, but it hangs alone in the closet…just like me. I just don’t know what to do anymore, my life is so rich yet I am so lonely at times. Not depressed lonely but misunderstood lonely, which is frustrating as hell!
I don’t have any answers, plenty of thoughts and speculations. Many would say that joint counseling might bring you two closer and help. I have to defer to all the girls that have relationships and are out in the open. I never could, but I most certainly would if the chance ever presents itself again. When I hit the public on a regular basis someday, I hope to have that special friend (girl) that enjoys being around Brina. I think it would be helpful to not be judged or scrutinized but instead, be happy to be with me (both sides)… Read more »
Hahaha…I can wear some of her things (shorts, a couple of shirts and tops) but not a dress! I do have a very supportive ally, a GG, and that relationship has helped me immensely in understanding and accepting myself, and I am finally at the point that I wish to share Haley with Georgia. I am gradually opening up about wearing tights and a sports bra to work out instead of shorts and a tee, now sans all body hair…it is obvious she can see and sense the changes, and maybe I should not assume that her lack of questions… Read more »
That would work for me…
Wonderful article! No one knows about Christina except my wife. But, I do keep my legs shaven daily and wear shorts out of the house often. I also shave my arms and thin and arch my brows. Of course no one has every asked me about it, including close family. Do they notice? The ladies probably do. But nothing is ever said. In guy mode depending on a situation I will wear ladies shorts and ladies jeans and if I am getting dressed up might even wear a ladies blouse (that is mostly androgynous in type). Again, does anyone notice?… Read more »
Christina,
There are those who most surely know and are content to let us be, just as we do (I hope) to others. And…we try to avoid those who we know will ruin a sunny day. Thankfully, they also tend to be the less observant, and the type of people we really don’t want an opinion from anyway. Thanks for the comments! 🙂