So, it’s the holidays… “Yahoo!” Or is it instead the feeling of, “I won’t have any time to dress.” Being who I am, and I expect, who you might be as well, when it’s been a while the need and desire to dress raises stress and when finally doing so it calms the inner anguish, at least until the regrets filter through for some of us. Our lives are like a never-ending game of “Truth or Dare.”
I have one foot out of the closet, and yes it has a nylon-clad leg and wears a black pump. I’m way out to all of you, I have my closet and drawers filled with clothing and accessories (all easy to find if one were to snoop.) It’s better than having it in hidden places that I have to wait for others to leave in order to retrieve to don my finest frillies. Even though I share a house with my father (mother recently passed,) he has no clue about this other side of me, and if possible, he’ll never know. Thus, I play the game of Truth or Dare. My feminine side is on display in many ways-my ongoing dare. All one would have to do is open a drawer, study the contents of my bathroom closer, or use the powers of observation to detect the slight feminine appearance that I maintain. The truth is that I would love to be out all the time to everyone, and then I also fear the consequence and live somewhere in between. It changes by the moment. The best I can say is, “if it happens, I’ll deal with it then.”
This life has brought me much more good than it has bad. I won’t say it was always that way, but it is now, especially after (not just accepting) but realizing that Brina is not a separate half of me but a vital part of me. The anxiety, shame, confusion, hatred, wondering, and fear of her throughout my life became mere timeline points as the calm, clarity, appreciation, empathy, kindness, thoughtfulness, willingness, well-being, and so many other traits that my feminine side has brought out in me has shown. I still exhibit the masculine traits that are most beneficial to my complicated life, but they are seen many times through a feminine perspective.
“I wish” is a phrase that I’ve used many times, as I’m certain you have, too. Just as it is with aging and our retrospective thoughts on what I wish I’d done differently when younger, being a crossdresser has its share of wishes as well. (Maybe another article down the road.) Today, I reflect on those situations that were so evident of a good Truth or Dare game, even if I was the only participant.
My high school girlfriend wore a strapless, elegant white prom dress with 4” matching white heels, and for a surprise, white nylons held up with a garter belt (The dress went below her knees.) The truth, my continued compliments on how beautiful she looked were also edged with a strong desire to be the one wearing it. I couldn’t understand it then, I do now. The dare was sneaking into the bathroom where it hung and (almost) trying it on.
I once sat at a table with mixed company (many drinks) and listened to the conversation turn rowdy. One guy asked a girl if she’d ever kissed another girl. Her response was, “Have you kissed a boy, do you want to?” Should I have been the one pinned by the question, the truth might have been seen on my face. I might be fairly straight, but I won’t lie and say the thought, when fully dressed, hasn’t crossed my mind or happened in my dreams. I’ve yet to take the dare.
The outfits that I helped to buy my ex-wife were in fact a truth of what I would buy my female self. I didn’t realize this until years went by and those outfits were rarely worn and given away by her. They weren’t her style. It’s a shame, because everyone she tried on looked amazing on her, as did the higher heel that she didn’t like to wear. How many of those outfits have I bought for myself, too many to count or even remember. This does bring up a notion that we dress as we would if we could date ourselves—the all-female version of us. The truth is that we are enamored by the ideal female diva we wished we were. This ideal woman is who I compare all others to. The dare is to pursue that vision to the best of my ability or through transition. I admit that my vision has changed over my life as the sexy stripper look is now the provocative, mature office gal.
I manufactured reasons so that I could find opportunities to dress. “You take the kids and go spend the weekend with your parents. I’m going to watch football with the guys and work on house projects.” The truth was my need to calm away my building anxiety coupled with actually doing the projects—dressed in lingerie and heels (this was before I went all-in). The dare was not closing the curtains or believing that she might ask my (alibi) friends how our day went. It was also doing more than enough to convince her that I held to my (slight-truth). The day of anxiety relief was quickly squashed by the guilt and need to create a believable outcome. You might suggest that it really is more of a Lie and Dare than it is Truth or Dare. But isn’t it only a lie if you get caught? This secret is something that we only tell ourselves. Others might comment that omissions might also be considered lies. I’ll let you debate it.
The last 9 years have been an equal part truth and dare. My truth is that I am a full into it crossdresser and probably more. The dare is to let that part of me that is more show itself. No one seems to notice the thinner eyebrows or that my arms and torso aren’t as hairy as they used to be. They don’t care that my walk is more refined and could be called feminine. No one checks to see if my legs are shaved during the cold months or comment on the lingering smell of perfume, flowered body wash and shampoo I regularly use. Never have I gotten a comment on my female jeans that show off my booty or the wild socks that I like to wear, the neater nails and softer skin from my continual use of body lotion, face crème, and hand lotion. I am careful around my daughters as they (and females in general) are more observant of the things that I described. The ultimate dare is in how far do I go, and why? (Another article someday)
The truth is that we can not rid ourselves of what is really a part of us. We can deny it, fight it, hide from it, curse it, and sometimes go years believing we beat it…only to have it poke us at the strangest moments. And in this truth, “What is wrong with being a crossdresser?” Our answers are individualistic and personal. Those of us who embrace the dares now know that the real question is “Why is it so amazing to be a crossdresser?”
I can’t see a future that doesn’t have me in a dress and heels, nor do I want it to be. I’m as hooked on the pursuit and path of my own femininity as I am in seeing it portrayed stylishly on other crossdressers, cis women, and those in transition. And should life counter me with a dare that I can back out of, I will face it because the woman inside is strong and far from silent and afraid.
I mean it when I say, “Show kindness to others and above all to yourself.” When you chose to see value instead of deficiencies, you’ll see what is ultimately the better you. It can only happen when you allow yourself to accept all of you.
Until next time…
Ms. Brina, I love the imagery your words portray. It sounds as if we have a similar approach in our thought processes. I was delighted to read your article, sensing an echo to my own thoughts. This little corner of the internet has some amazing people in it, and I find myself skipping from thought to thought as I peruse the articles. This is so much different than the days of last century, feeling alone, isolated, guilt-ridden, and ashamed, with the only true outlet being that once-a-year Camelot of Halloween, where one had an excuse. I look forward to reading… Read more »
Thank you for the kind compliments and thoughts, Marla 🙂 I’m glad that those who are younger will never have to (I hope anyway) with the lack of options and understanding that many of us older CDs had to.
I have had those truths and dares. Leaving things in an obvious places and wearing feminine jeans out. Leaving fingernail polish on along with the lingering of perfume. The lies and guilt’s i lived through. trying to relinquish and purge it out of my system. Being stressed and depressed when there would be lengthy times when I could not dress. Well after finding myself alone from the loss of a love I started trying to get my fill per say. It only grew stronger in me. Scared to death to be seen, April 2021 I walked out my door in… Read more »
Janice, My first thought as I read through your response was, “Yep, she gets it!" Thank you for sharing your story and for the comments. I’m not likely to walk out my front door (I envy that you did and would like to someday), but I am ready to take the drive somewhere and spend a day or weekend in my little corner of bliss. 🙂
“An unexamined life is not worth living." –Socrates
I’ve noticed over the years that crossdressing has a collateral benefit. Crossdressers tend to think it through, to think deeply, candidly, self-honestly about why they cross dress and about who they are in general.
And nobody does it better than Brina.
Thank you for the kind compliment! I agree. Those who spend a lifetime crossdressing eventually come to an enlightened understanding. I’m also willing to bet that we’d all wished it had happened in our 20’s and not so late in life 🙂
Hi Brina
What a wonderfully written article.
Truth or Dare resonates so much in all of us and me included. I know what this feels like, to push the enevlope a little further. So far it’s been wearing my favourite red nail polish while on public transport, shopping and sitting in a coffee shop.
Your article has made me realise more than ever that this website and wonderful community has given us the ability to be ourselves but directly connects us and when connections happen, anything is possible.
Hugs
Samantha x x
Thanks for sharing 🙂 Yes, we are so much more similar than we believe, another reason for all of us to realize that this is not a variant to established world order but more likely a subtle change to the evolution of our species. I know…science speculation…lol. Truth is, we are more than just a male or female, we are by nature a blend of each so it’s to be expected that we show signs of both.
I love the style you have for writing and love the article. I believe , as you put it, truth or dare is what spices up a life, in any walk of life, but yes, particularly ours. The dare of walking into a public place for the first time when the truth is your heart is pumping as the brain tells you that you want or need this so badly and it goes on to explain unless you do it now, you may never gain the confidence. Two screams from two different sides to the brain…the fight or flight syndrome…one… Read more »
Absolutely, a wonderful statement that you shared! Very nicely done 🙂 Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I could see us sipping wine at a cafe discussing deep revelations. You should consider penning and submitting an article; you have a strong voice.
Thank you, I did used to write a lot, mainly poetry, but also musings of my very mixed up, sometimes off the rails, life. I found my words were my sword or my shield and that, where I may clam up in actual speech, in written word I could express so much more. I would love a friend like yourself and have searched that friend but never found them as society, I find, revolves very much about perceptions and rules and lets face it, to be who we are, here and now, on this site, we do break, in others… Read more »
I look forward to reading it! Have a wonderful New Years.
Why IS crossdresding so amazing. Very good observation. It is amazing. Thank you
Thank you for noticing that part! 🙂 There is a huge mental difference from “why can’t I stop" to “I don’t want to." It can be seen in the pictures and in how we treat ourselves. I think we become more whole. Thanks for commenting!
Ah, the Truth or Dare moments in our lives. You have hit on so many that I think most of us who are not fully out have. I once was working inside an old Victorian house I had bought, putting up some trim, wearing feminine jeans, a tee shirt and underneath a bra and panty set (that was very pretty and sexy). The bra strap outlines of course showed through the tee shirt. A friend stopped by to borrow an extension ladder I had. It was a warm summer day and I had the door open, so he just announced… Read more »
Wonderful story, Kristen. Thank you for sharing. I’m guessing that others will also relate. Maybe we worry more than we should what people might say, but then again, there needs to be caution as well. Everyone has different situations and environments. You should have asked him if he wanted to borrow one of yours…lol 😉
he is one of the more accepting of others than most people I know. He is like me, caring more about “who" you are, than “what" you are.
Can relate with so much of what you write in the article. The cover stories that are used to get time to dress and the anxiety to see If you have got away with it are so true.
Yes, and the rush of adrenaline when the moment comes. I also remember the opposite when something would happen and those times would be lost. Thanks for the comments 🙂
It’s amazing how similar our experiences are….Reading your thoughts and experiences is like evesdropping on my own thoughts….
I’m guessing that there are many more who would agree… Thanks for commenting 🙂
Great article! Truth or Dare sums up our experiences so succinctly! My “dare" is having my girl clothes in the closet my wife and I share. Everything is tucked in the back and out of sight on my side, but it wouldn’t take much to reveal the dresses, skirts, and heels…I feel…braver, I guess? Not having everything hidden in boxes and storage spaces? My wife knows about my love for crossdressing (there’s the truth part), but she has no idea the extent, I think. (Hence, the dare!).
Isn’t that the “Truth!" There is something comforting by having things handy for the spur of the moment times rather than having to plan for time. Sometimes, just an hour sitting in a skirt and heels can make a world of difference in stress levels. Thanks for sharing 🙂
Exactly! This was really convenient during the lockdown portion of the pandemic, where everyone was home all the time, and if I suddenly found 15 minutes to dress, it was all right there…