I have learned so much from the forums and articles here at Crossdresser Heaven.  Perhaps it is time to give back a little and share something that happened recently.  It may not seem like much, but it was a huge step for me, and perhaps I can help someone else take that step too.

I have been dressing for years now, always in secret.  Being raised in a strict Christian household taught me that this side of me was something to be discouraged, denied, and hated.  Still, I could not deny who and what I am, and have continued to crossdress.

Recently, I had the time to indulge in a full dressing session including doing my makeup.  It felt great, to say the least, as I’m sure so many of you can attest.  In the past, I have always kept the blinds down and the curtains drawn, holding in my heart the fear that someone would see, would judge, would act to belittle me for what I am.  I do not know what happened that day.  Maybe I was just tired of being scared or maybe I tapped into the vein of rebelliousness that I have deep inside — I do not know.  All I do know is that on this day I decided that I was not going to hide.  The windows were wide open, and I moved about the house, doing my daily chores as Rachel.  For the first time in my life, I no longer cared if I was seen.  It did not seem to matter so much anymore.  I knew I was not ready to announce myself to the world, or go to work as Rachel.  But as if the clouds were suddenly scattered by a strong wind so the sun could beam through, I suddenly felt this part of me was  okay.  I no longer felt like there was something wrong with me, or that I had this dark, awful, shameful secret to keep hidden.

I was suddenly hit with a powerful urge to do something big.  Without stopping to question it, I slipped into my closed-toe, low slung black pumps.  Turning to the dog, I said, “Wanna go out?”.  She knew what that meant and leaped excitedly for the door.  I grabbed her leash, opened the door and out we went.  I stood by the side of the house letting my dog sniff around.  Every nerve in me was humming like a high-tension electric wire.  It was like I was aware of everything around me. The breeze ruffled my skirt, and I felt the wind on my legs.  The sun warmed my face, and I reveled in the exhilaration of being outside.  It was like I was free!

We were only outside for a few minutes, but it felt like I was being born.  I stood differently, I walked differently, and I held my arms differently.  It was like I was really expressing Rachel for the first time.  Going back inside, I was thrilled beyond expression.

I am not saying you need to do what I did.  I am just saying that any step you take, no matter how small, is progress.

Check out the Beauty of a Simple Act as Rachel continues to share her personal and spiritual journey.

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Rachel Chapman

Latest posts by Rachel Chapman (see all)

  1. Blandine Jupette 9 months ago

    Lovely and really heart-warming, thank you!

  2. skippy1965(Cynthia) 9 months ago


    Thank you SO much for sharing this story of your first time outside and visible while dressed! It is always so great to see the excitement in someone’s voice or words as they experience that feeedom for the first time. While I had been driving while dressed several times, I’ll mever forget my own first time interacting when I ventured to the drive thru window at DAiry Queen (see my article “it all started with a vanilla milkshake”. Since then I have had several adventures i fully as Cyn including the national art museum in DC, a concert at Wolftrap, shopping at Roses, going to a college football game in Pittsburgh and the best which was he week at a TG/CD conference where Cyn lived 24/7 for a week. I’m so excited because I’m going to another conference (Esprit ) in Washingtonstate in just three weeks! I’ll be rooming with April from the site here and I am looking forward to as many new adventures as I can!

    Isn’t it great to know that your sharing of YOUR experience could lead to another person having the courage to step out into the world and show who they truly are? Thanks again and I look forward to hearing more about the further adventures of Rachel!


  3. Belle 9 months ago

    What an amazing experience Rachel!! Thanks for sharing with the rest of us – and for empowering us to take that first step out – being proud about it – be solid in it. You’re amazing!!

    Thank you!!

  4. Krista 9 months ago

    LOVED your article Rachel. I got goosebumps reading it. Your excitement just came through so well.

    Took me back to my first time out in public. I was shaking and my heart pounding but after being outside for a few hours, I couldn’t get enough.

    One thing I’ve learned is that I am a model driver when dressed en femme. Don’t want to be stopped by the police for any reason. That may be the solution for really bad male drivers, you know the ones with tons of testosterone who have to race or tailgate everyone. Just a wild thought; Judges could order such that they are only allowed to drive while crossdressed. I think we’d have much safer streets and highways.

    Please write again. You did great.

    • Angelique Grant 9 months ago

      Love it! You are so right on the model dirving, ha,

    • OMG Krista! I am exactly the same way. I am a much more “careful” driver when dressed. 😉

      • Lisbeth Lacy 9 months ago

        my first driving my car and being dressed to the nines I was obsessing about being pulled over my the police for some silly reason and the officer asking why “I am dressed as a woman?”. And me replying “do you think I’m pretty, officer”

  5. Jesse Nicole(Smokey) 9 months ago

    Good for you girl! Great expression of another person that wants to get out on the world and enjoy life as they see fit. HUGZ!

  6. Bronwyn 9 months ago

    Sigh…………….i wish.

  7. Rachel – so wonderful to read about someone who ventures out for the first time. The rush, the adreneline – it’s intoxicating. Especially that first time. I remember when I finally got that IDGAF attitude. The more you go out the more you’ll realize that there are so many wonderful people out there who are open and tolerant. I hope you find them on your journey.


  8. Sarah Daniels 9 months ago

    Great feeling leaving the curtains open.

  9. JaneS 9 months ago

    I’m glad you freed yourself from that self-imposed prison of secrecy. You’ll find that you’ll never want that cell door to close again. Well done. My only question would be, how far did the dog get to walk? 😉

    Have fun being the ‘real’ you.

  10. Carly J Springs 9 months ago

    I can certainly remember when I went out for the first time, and it was wondeful and scary at the same time. Take small steps and your confidence will grow . Keep in mind that dressed or not, you are your true self.

  11. Zoe Wilcok 9 months ago

    Fren came out told be he cross dres but I can tell him I do for some resan

  12. Angelique Grant 9 months ago

    Rachel I have a VERY similar background to you! Thanks for taking the time to share! Angelique

  13. Destany 9 months ago

    That must of felt great to go out for the first time. I can relate to the felling of going out for the first time but my experience was on Halloween and it was not a big deal for that time of year. But on the inside I was a nervous wreck my heart was beating fast and I don’t know how I managed to follow through with it and I told myself that it’s not that big of a deal and just do this and off I went to a place that I have been going for physical therapy for hand injury but that’s another story.. so I walked in with my head held high and got the best reaction from all the ladies that it put my mind at ease and it felt incredible being excepted.
    They even gave me compliments on how good I looked and what great legs I have and the next thing I knew they were talking pictures of me it was the best feeling ever.. it didn’t take long for them to figure out that this was not the frist time that I have done that sort of thing but it was the first time that I went out in public and can’t wait to do that again maybe next time it will not be Halloween..

  14. Dani Grand 9 months ago

    Nicely written! And good for you. The best line was ‘tired of being scared’…my first time out included that energy you wrote about. It was awesome. A little fear is healthy…but it all needs to be managed.

  15. Janine 9 months ago

    Hi Rachel
    As I was reading your post I couldn’t agree with you more about the way that it feels to try something new and different.
    Like you I used to stay in the privacy of a motel room spending time getting dressed with full makeup and then just staying inside afraid that if I were to go outside that I’d be looked at as though there was something wrong about the way that I looked.
    Then one day while I was fully dressed I ordered a pizza.
    Waiting for it to be delivered I was torn between staying dressed or putting my male clothes on before it got there.
    When the pizza delivery person knocked on my door I was still dressed as Janine.
    I went to the door and looked through the peep hole and saw a young man with my pizza.
    I had a twenty dollar bill in one hand and taking a deep breath I opened the door so I was face to face with the delivery person.
    Without saying anything he handed the pizza to me and I gave him the twenty dollar bill.
    Smiling at me he said
    ” I’ll get you your change for you ma’am ”
    Oh my god I thought
    He really thinks that I’m a lady.
    He got my change and handed it to me then said
    Enjoy your pizza ma’am and I smiled at him and gave him a tip then said
    Thank you and closed the door.
    That was such a incredible experience for me.
    Letting someone see me en femme and passing as a female was the first step in building my confidence to let me go outside and let the world see me in my feminine mode
    So like you Rachel trying something new and different was the one thing that I needed to do so that I didn’t have the fear of being seen in public places dressed up as Janine
    Thank you for letting me tell you about my first time trying something new and different
    Hugs Janine

  16. Paige Crossdresser 9 months ago

    Hi Rachel,
    I had the same feeling one day like you. I dress in private normally. But i was away at my holiday home miles away from my where i normally live one wet weekend. i was bored so decided to dress fem so i got my things from the car, which is where I keep them for safety.

    I started doing the normal routine, bra, tights, corset, hair, breast forms, medium heels, and dress. Then eye makeup etc. i feel i would not pass as female to any one else really

    I then thought to my self like you, its raining only lightly out side why don’t i go out side. Not many people would be out side, take the chance for once. I had a female waist length jacket with a hood hanging on the coat rail and a massive scarf next to it. So i put on the jacket zipped it up. Then I wrapped the scarf around my face mainly to hid it away from view. I put the hood up as it was raining. i looked in the mirror as i normally do thinking could i pass if i we’re to go out. I thought sod it. I got my keys then went to the door, went out side and locked the door. I thought i have done it. I will walk to my car and back. so I walked thinking some one would suspect my walk as male. But no one batted an eye lid. I got to the car and god knows what came over me that day but i got in the car and drove to a little supermarket car park in a town near to the coast five miles away from my place. I pulled up thinking what if i had got stopped by the police. I would have died on the spot if caught.
    Then i could feel myself getting out of the car thinking stop it what are you doing. I walked down the high street thinking oh my god. It felt as i can only describe as a release of happiness. i felt female and it felt great.I went back to the car after a 5 mins then drove back to my place. The good thing was that i recorded it on my phone which you can see on flickr if you wish using my name here to find me. i have posted the picture I took of what i looked like when doing it on crossdresser heaven.All i can say is it felt the best feeling ever

    Paige Crossdresser and proud

  17. Dani 9 months ago

    I have been going out dressed for years now and have only been read twice that I know of. Once by a group of teenagers at a mall entrance and once by a group of 20-25 year olds in walmart. I have been stopped twice in ride spot checks and it has never been a problem. All they are interested in is driver lic., ownership, and insurance. They did not care what I was wearing. They were polite and understanding. I was not the first cross dresser they had stopped over the years.
    At 65 I don’t care who knows that I dress. If they have an issue with it, it is their problem not mine. Now with my wife another story, she is not accepting, doesn’t want to see it, wants no part of it but is sometimes willing to talk about it. This is along way from walking out the door 10 years ago when I told her after keeping it secret for 50 years found out.

    • Betti Jean Harlow 9 months ago

      Dani your right , were not criminals and shouldn’t be treated any different than a women wearing a flannel shirt and work boots.

  18. Gwen Saxon 9 months ago

    What a wonderful story would love to chat with you sometime soon .please let me know if you want to chat I am the same as you and not scared anymore

    • Author
      Rachel Chapman 8 months ago

      Hi Gwen,
      Yes I would love to chat with you!

    • Author
      Rachel Chapman 9 months ago

      Hi Gwen, I would love to chat with you anytime. What a great feeling to accept this side of myself!

  19. Deedee Black 9 months ago

    Ladies i tried something that you may want to try if you want soft legs witch I do I put olive oil on my legs wow so soft now even put on my pantyhose legs feel so good it has vitamin E too good for Your skin not much smell it’s good for rashes too if you get from shaving love you all

  20. Katie Daily 9 months ago

    What a beautiful empowering story! You so brave & strong. I Loved it

  21. Kelliann Tgurl 9 months ago

    Awesome……Good for you Rachel…..

  22. I hope you continue taking steps o. Your journey, no matter where it takes you.

    Xoxo katie

  23. Wonderful. That is how I felt too when I finally decided to just enjoy myself for who I am. So glad for you Rachel.


  24. bizarresuzanne 8 months ago

    Loved that story! I have felt that way myself, yet have only been out LATE AT NIGHT when dressed and aroused, teetering up and down the sidewalk in front of my townhouse (after walking the dog), loving it, feeling it, wanting more and yet, teetering quickly back inside if a car approached….both wanting to be seen, yet dreading trying to explain to the less than understanding neighbors (sighs).

  25. Cloé Cupcake 8 months ago

    What a wonderful story and you had a friend at your side! I hope she’s up for longer walks and well behaved too.

    I’ve only recently started to go outside the house, but my backyard is very private. A couple weeks ago I sunbathed in a bikini bottom. It felt so naughty, so right and very liberating! I know it wasn’t very daring, but it was a little step forward. Take them where you can!

  26. Lanna Barton 8 months ago

    Hi Rachel,

    I love your story!!! I did something similar today. Well I did something crazy today. I was dressed in a pink black leggings and pink sneakers. I went out side walked down a 100′ driveway to our male box to pick up the male, Several cars passed by and believe me I was shaking in my shoes. But I did it!!! For a brief moment Lanna was free. What a thrilling, exhilarating experience that was. I guess I just got tired of rides in the country and needed something new….

  27. Janine Milburn 7 months ago

    Nice story, i did the same thing today, I was wearing tight pants and a bra top and a wig. I went to fetch my mail outside. I loved the feeling during broad daylight. i felt so sexy and hot.

  28. Bronwyn 7 months ago

    I so can’t do that……sux so much. but i have been a closet dresser for 30 years and i fear thats where i will be forever. Bronwyn

  29. Lea 6 months ago

    Wonderful post Rachel! You’re so right, “any step you take, no matter how small, is progress”.

    I too am sometimes overcome by this rebellious side and suddenly I’m going to a store in my neighborhood, in guy mode wearing flats or heels. Or I’m suddenly in a dept store heading to the fitting room holding a dress, bra, and heels and no care who sees me or what they think.

    But there are times when I’ve had a real “scare” and I wasn’t ready for the feelings of discomfort, fear. Mostly, the odd stares from some odd guys in public have put my guard up, in protect mode, that there’s some people who hate people like us.

    Have fun, just be careful. We aren’t fully and fairly accepted by all.

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