I have learned so much from the forums and articles here at Crossdresser Heaven. Perhaps it is time to give back a little and share something that happened recently. It may not seem like much, but it was a huge step for me, and perhaps I can help someone else take that step too.
I have been dressing for years now, always in secret. Being raised in a strict Christian household taught me that this side of me was something to be discouraged, denied, and hated. Still, I could not deny who and what I am, and have continued to crossdress.
Recently, I had the time to indulge in a full dressing session including doing my makeup. It felt great, to say the least, as I’m sure so many of you can attest. In the past, I have always kept the blinds down and the curtains drawn, holding in my heart the fear that someone would see, would judge, would act to belittle me for what I am. I do not know what happened that day. Maybe I was just tired of being scared or maybe I tapped into the vein of rebelliousness that I have deep inside — I do not know. All I do know is that on this day I decided that I was not going to hide. The windows were wide open, and I moved about the house, doing my daily chores as Rachel. For the first time in my life, I no longer cared if I was seen. It did not seem to matter so much anymore. I knew I was not ready to announce myself to the world, or go to work as Rachel. But as if the clouds were suddenly scattered by a strong wind so the sun could beam through, I suddenly felt this part of me was okay. I no longer felt like there was something wrong with me, or that I had this dark, awful, shameful secret to keep hidden.
I was suddenly hit with a powerful urge to do something big. Without stopping to question it, I slipped into my closed-toe, low slung black pumps. Turning to the dog, I said, “Wanna go out?”. She knew what that meant and leaped excitedly for the door. I grabbed her leash, opened the door and out we went. I stood by the side of the house letting my dog sniff around. Every nerve in me was humming like a high-tension electric wire. It was like I was aware of everything around me. The breeze ruffled my skirt, and I felt the wind on my legs. The sun warmed my face, and I reveled in the exhilaration of being outside. It was like I was free!
We were only outside for a few minutes, but it felt like I was being born. I stood differently, I walked differently, and I held my arms differently. It was like I was really expressing Rachel for the first time. Going back inside, I was thrilled beyond expression.
I am not saying you need to do what I did. I am just saying that any step you take, no matter how small, is progress.Tags: going out crossdressed Going out in public growth self acceptance