I have learned so much from the forums and articles here at Crossdresser Heaven. Perhaps it is time to give back a little and share something that happened recently. It may not seem like much, but it was a huge step for me, and perhaps I can help someone else take that step too.
I have been dressing for years now, always in secret. Being raised in a strict Christian household taught me that this side of me was something to be discouraged, denied, and hated. Still, I could not deny who and what I am, and have continued to crossdress.
Recently, I had the time to indulge in a full dressing session including doing my makeup. It felt great, to say the least, as I’m sure so many of you can attest. In the past, I have always kept the blinds down and the curtains drawn, holding in my heart the fear that someone would see, would judge, would act to belittle me for what I am. I do not know what happened that day. Maybe I was just tired of being scared or maybe I tapped into the vein of rebelliousness that I have deep inside — I do not know. All I do know is that on this day I decided that I was not going to hide. The windows were wide open, and I moved about the house, doing my daily chores as Rachel. For the first time in my life, I no longer cared if I was seen. It did not seem to matter so much anymore. I knew I was not ready to announce myself to the world, or go to work as Rachel. But as if the clouds were suddenly scattered by a strong wind so the sun could beam through, I suddenly felt this part of me was okay. I no longer felt like there was something wrong with me, or that I had this dark, awful, shameful secret to keep hidden.
I was suddenly hit with a powerful urge to do something big. Without stopping to question it, I slipped into my closed-toe, low slung black pumps. Turning to the dog, I said, “Wanna go out?”. She knew what that meant and leaped excitedly for the door. I grabbed her leash, opened the door and out we went. I stood by the side of the house letting my dog sniff around. Every nerve in me was humming like a high-tension electric wire. It was like I was aware of everything around me. The breeze ruffled my skirt, and I felt the wind on my legs. The sun warmed my face, and I reveled in the exhilaration of being outside. It was like I was free!
We were only outside for a few minutes, but it felt like I was being born. I stood differently, I walked differently, and I held my arms differently. It was like I was really expressing Rachel for the first time. Going back inside, I was thrilled beyond expression.
I am not saying you need to do what I did. I am just saying that any step you take, no matter how small, is progress.
Check out the Beauty of a Simple Act as Rachel continues to share her personal and spiritual journey.
Lovely and really heart-warming, thank you!
Rachel, Thank you SO much for sharing this story of your first time outside and visible while dressed! It is always so great to see the excitement in someone’s voice or words as they experience that feeedom for the first time. While I had been driving while dressed several times, I’ll mever forget my own first time interacting when I ventured to the drive thru window at DAiry Queen (see my article “it all started with a vanilla milkshake". Since then I have had several adventures i fully as Cyn including the national art museum in DC, a concert at… Read more »
What an amazing experience Rachel!! Thanks for sharing with the rest of us – and for empowering us to take that first step out – being proud about it – be solid in it. You’re amazing!!
Thank you!!
Belle
LOVED your article Rachel. I got goosebumps reading it. Your excitement just came through so well. Took me back to my first time out in public. I was shaking and my heart pounding but after being outside for a few hours, I couldn’t get enough. One thing I’ve learned is that I am a model driver when dressed en femme. Don’t want to be stopped by the police for any reason. That may be the solution for really bad male drivers, you know the ones with tons of testosterone who have to race or tailgate everyone. Just a wild thought;… Read more »
OMG Krista! I am exactly the same way. I am a much more “careful" driver when dressed. 😉
my first driving my car and being dressed to the nines I was obsessing about being pulled over my the police for some silly reason and the officer asking why “I am dressed as a woman?". And me replying “do you think I’m pretty, officer"
Love it! You are so right on the model dirving, ha,
Good for you girl! Great expression of another person that wants to get out on the world and enjoy life as they see fit. HUGZ!
Sigh…………….i wish.
Rachel – so wonderful to read about someone who ventures out for the first time. The rush, the adreneline – it’s intoxicating. Especially that first time. I remember when I finally got that IDGAF attitude. The more you go out the more you’ll realize that there are so many wonderful people out there who are open and tolerant. I hope you find them on your journey.
Hugs,
April
Great feeling leaving the curtains open.
I’m glad you freed yourself from that self-imposed prison of secrecy. You’ll find that you’ll never want that cell door to close again. Well done. My only question would be, how far did the dog get to walk? 😉
Have fun being the ‘real’ you.
I can certainly remember when I went out for the first time, and it was wondeful and scary at the same time. Take small steps and your confidence will grow . Keep in mind that dressed or not, you are your true self.