I recently read a post on the forum that asked “Why Now?” written by a CDH member who recently began really exploring her feminine side. The post struck a nerve with me as I have wondered “Why now?” with respect to my journey lately. Though I may be thirty years younger than the author of the piece in question, I have only delved deeper into this aspect of my personality over the last month. After exploring who MacKenzie was privately throughout my early to middle twenties, it was too risky while living with my parents. After the relationship with my wife turned serious and I moved to Maryland, I let MacKenzie out again, but never really got to know her for various reasons which included financial issues and the fear of how she would affect my relationship with wife who was my fiancée at the time.

After almost ten years of allowing MacKenzie to live only in my imagination, I started to build up her wardrobe recently thanks to online shopping. Still fearful of how my wife would react to MacKenzie, I kept her secret and only dressed while my wife was at work. The incompatibility of our work schedules provided regular opportunities to allow MacKenzie out to play. As much as this was helpful, I still felt like I was not being true to myself. Additionally, given the relationship with my wife had always been built on mutual trust, I could not ignore the feelings that I was betraying the love of my life in keeping MacKenzie hidden from her. Hiding MacKenzie from my wife was more stressful than confining her to my imagination. Even my wife knew that I was keeping something from her. For weeks, I went back and forth about telling my wife. I was not sure how and I was scared of the impact that reveling MacKenzie would have on our relationship. Again, the web was a Godsend. Researching how I should disclose MacKenzie, I discovered several resources including this website, while others recommended several publications on the topic. Throughout my research, several conclusions keep recurring:

  1. Continuing to hide MacKenzie from my wife would be more harmful to my relationship with my wife than being open about MacKenzie.
  2. Sharing who MacKenzie would lead to changes in my relationship with my wife — whether those changes would be positive or negative, time would only tell.
  3. Sharing who MacKenzie was with my wife had to be done openly and with conviction.

These conclusion were both helpful and reinforced my fear in sharing MacKenzie with my wife. Though I now understand that I needed to open up about MacKenzie with my wife, I was still not sure exactly of the when or the how beyond the truth of MacKenzie and my continuing love for my wife.

For days I would start the conversation with my wife, only to chicken out before sharing anything vital about MacKenzie. That changed, however, one weekend morning for reasons I still cannot fathom. My wife and I were relaxing in each other’s company on the rare occasion when neither of us needed to work. Each of us knew that the other was thinking about how the several happenings had impact our lives and our relationship over the past year. As our discussion developed and deepened, I found myself opening up about MacKenzie and my need and enjoyment to wear feminine clothes. My wife, for which I will always be thankful, was understanding and accepting, but not naïve. We spent almost an hour discussing what this would mean. I answered her questions and we both shared our fears of how this would affect our relationship. When we finally decided that we needed to get moving on the rest of our day, we did so with a greater understanding of each other and the knowledge that we face each hurdle in our lives together and be stronger for it.

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I would being lying if I said that the month since my disclosure of MacKenzie to my wife has been without its obstacles. Shocked by my wife’s willingness to accept MacKenzie and the relief of not having to keep her hidden at home, I over did it. My wife felt that she was losing me in favor of MacKenzie in those initial days following my disclosure. Additionally, my wife was afraid to share these feelings out of fear that I would fall out of love with her. This revelation by my wife scared me as much as the fear I faced before disclosing. My wife is the most important person in my life. My love for her and her love for me was the highlight of each and every day. I knew we needed to talk about MacKenzie more and I needed to be more cognizant of my wife feelings. I know that I cannot deny that MacKenzie is part of who I am, but I cannot also deny that my wife is a much, if not more, a part of who I am. I listened to my wife without judgement; her concerns were important and could not be denied. I apologized for forgetting her feelings and for hurting her. Most importantly though, I made sure that my wife knew that I loved her deeply and she would always be the most important person in my life.

Since then, my wife and I continue to talk about MacKenzie regularly, but more importantly we are sharing our feelings toward each other and toward MacKenzie. To both of us, our marriage is the most important thing. We have faced many tribulations throughout the years we have been together, which has both strengthened and deepened our love for each other. MacKenzie and her part in our lives is just a new aspect that we must explore together. With my wife’s blessing and support, I am more openly exploring who MacKenzie is, but I have slowed down. We are taking it day by day and week by week. Recently, my wife and I enjoyed an afternoon shopping for both her and MacKenzie. Being the first time that I have publicly shopped for MacKenzie, we were definitely venturing into new territory. As I was not dressed as MacKenzie (a true public reveal of MacKenzie is still far in the future), our normal habit of modeling the clothes for each other took some adaptation. Though it was far from perfect, the excursion was enjoyable for many reasons – I was being me, it was a share experience with my wife, and it was another step of understanding and accepting how MacKenzie fits into our lives.

Life is a journey; it has its gentle afternoon walks and its grueling treks through desert and snow. And such a venture is more successful if you are not making it alone.

EDITOR NOTE: Crossdresser Heaven has a program exclusively for Significant Others. You’ll be able to discuss issues in private with other SOs. Explore our Significant Other Program and contact JaneS if you are interested or would like further information. We would love to welcome you.

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Vanessa Law
Founder
Active Member
6 years ago

MacKenzie, thank you for sharing your journey, one that took no small amount of courage. I’m thrilled that you found a place to begin opening up and that your wife is helping you in your journey!

Hugs,
Vanessa

Stephanie Q
Stephanie Q
6 years ago

Thanks for writing such a wonderful story with a great ending. It is always encouraging to to see a positive result after disclosure. Your wife loves you for the person you are, and is letting you present how you want to present. This is how the all people should be treated.

Codille Benton Baer
Ambassador
Member
6 years ago

Mackenzie,

Thanks so much for sharing your story. Here is to continued success on your Journey!!!!

Truly,

Codille

skippy1965 Cynthia
Ambassador
Trusted Member
6 years ago

MAckenzie,

So sorry this was delayed (technical glitch kept me from commenting when i was first published as I wanted to! Your story could be the template for many folks here–the best way to handle things is indeed slowly and with consideration for our SOs and families. I look forward to hearing more about your journey! Thank you so much for sharing this with us!

Cyn

Leonara
Ambassador
Trusted Member
6 years ago

Mackenzie
Thank you for sharing your story. I am going through the same experience with my wife.
I am convinced that communication is the best.
We went shopping together and she picked out the lingerie.. She is confused about my “alter ego” but I keep telling here she is the most important part of my life. We just had our 45th anniversary..
Leonara

Jesse Nicole(Smokey)
Duchess
Member
6 years ago

Thanks for sharing Mackenzie! You are truly fortunate to have a SO to share your inner self with. To be set free to live out yourself must be so wonderful! Looking forward to getting to know you better!

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Joann
6 years ago

Mackenzie, I just want to thank you so very much for sharing your journey and struggles regarding revealing Mackenzie to your wife. I have been in the same situation for many years and I still have never revealed Joann to my wife of 37 years. I truly want to have full disclosure with my wife about the women that live inside me but I don’t believe my wife would be excepting of my desires to release Joann. It is truly a stressful situation but reading your heartfelt story about disclosing Mackenzie to your wife does give me strength and a… Read more »

Megan Tonielle
Megan Tonielle
6 years ago

What a beutiful way to patiently share with your wife the other person she married and never knew after you helped yourself. Yes, your inner self pushed you to exposed MacKenzie. Hi, how are are you doing after reveiling your other side to your wife? Like many members we have lived a secret life. Until we decide enough! Many of us have not had that special moment known as “a come to Jesus time”! Believe me my dear friends, our stories have so much in common, we suffer everyday until we encourage our inner selfs to come out clean and… Read more »

Patty Michelle
Patty Michelle
6 years ago

MacKenzie,

Thank you for sharing Sharing this us. I am sure your words will help someone take that step towards sharing with their SO.

Hugs,
Patty

Stephenie Bettis
Stephenie Bettis
6 years ago

MacKenzie Thank you. You succeeded where I failed I should of been more understanding of my wife feeling. while she understood my need to be Stephenie, I didn’t understand her needs and never slow down.I came on full steam ahead and I realize my mistakes but hindsight is not worth a plug nickel I wish you and your wife the best for you have the best of both world again Thank you.

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