Walking Into The Light, Part 3

Since first writing of Nikki’s journey, I have received many requests to provide an update.  Nikki too has encouraged me to write a part three of her story.  Given that, I may somewhat be committed.  Writing the story of someone’s life, adventures, or experiences was not on my “To Do” list.  In fact, I never believed that I could until coming to Crossdresser Heaven, and writing my first article.  I am not by any means class A writer or nonfiction story teller, but I do believe that by sharing someone’s struggles and fears to develop into the person who she truly is not only helps the person in question, but can help countless others, as well. It is with this motivation that I share more of Nikki’s journey of discovering her true self.

Since part one and  part two were first written, there has been a lot of development in Nikki’s life.  It has not been all good and positive, I regret to say.  As far as the fact that Nikki is one of us is an absolute, and she does not regret her decision to come out.  We both, however, agree that we could have gone about it in another way.  Perhaps, Nikki telling her wife solo (and not dressed) would have been a better way. However, it was Nikki’s decision for me to be with her when she did and I was.  Her wife has naturally asked for, no demanded a divorce, and wants to prohibit Nikki from seeing their two children.  The children are still in the dark about why daddy does not come home.  Nikki’s wife has allowed Nikki and the children to talk on the phone together with some strict restrictions.  One is that Nikki is not to say anything about her lifestyle whatsoever, which may the proper call for now.

Nikki has read all the responses to the earlier parts of her story, as well as several other articles.  They, the responses and other articles, have been a blessing to Nikki for bringing the hope which she holds in her heart.  She wishes to say thank you for each one.   Nikki hopes her story will turn out the same as it has for so many here, that eventually she will face acceptance and understanding from the ones who she so dearly loves.  As far as her wife and some others are concerned, Nikki selfishly did what she did with no regard for anyone, but herself.  We know that is far from the truth.  How can someone then move forward when so many people in her life refuse to try and understand her and have the mindsets that she is a bad person and do not deserve forgiveness or understanding?

Stepping Out Secrets

Personally, I am not a therapist or a professional in the field of psychology and behavioral health.  What I do have, though, is something many who do hold degrees in such fields do not have — personal hands-on experience of what Nikki is facing.  As I have explained to Nikki, many of us have been through the ringer, or are still in the closet with our lifestyles.  I, myself, was very fortunate when it came to support as I have a very loving sister who helped me in the beginning, and still supports me today.  It was not, though, cake for me in the  beginning either.  Nikki and I have spent countless hours talking about what she is going through.  I have made sure she understands not have any expectations of anyone.  When she told her wife everything, Nikki later told me that she had the great expectation of her wife saying “Oh, so you wear dresses, sleep with men, and hang out with drag queens and crossdressers.  Okay, it’s all good.  Here’s a big hug for you, and I wish you the best life,” since Nikki and her wife had had a not so bad life together.  Would that not be grand for all of us?  What I have learned is that expectations are nothing, but premeditated resentments.  I did, however, explain that some resentments followed by different degrees of hate, dislike, and a host of other negative feelings can be mended with the correct approach.  Yet, despite this glimmer of hope, it remains the other person’s decision whether or not to allow himself to learn about this lifestyle.

As this sad situation continues to unfold for Nikki, I would like to ask everyone to let her know there are many people who understand, and to send their love and support.  Thankfully, Nikki has met a lot of my friends, and has made new friends of her own, which is helping.  Nikki is beginning to believe that all of this is going to get better, and she will have her new life as she wants.  She is accepting the fact that she may never have any kind of relationship with her soon to be ex-wife again.  But as for her two children, I continue helping her stay positive that she will once again see them.  The hardest part will be whether Nikki’s children will be able to accept their father as Nikki, and become a part of her life once again.  It is a lot for anyone to take in, for sure.

It is crazy how some who live this lifestyle daily do not think about Nikki’s situation until it is in front of them and someone is asking for their help.  It was no different for me, but I have made a promise to myself that I will always try to help people.  I always have been a person to do what I can for someone in need.  I truly believe that Nikki’s heart is pure.  She only wants to do what is best whether it initially causes pain or not, and I am proud that I have been able to offer my assistance.  I truly hope you have enjoyed this piece, and that it may give someone struggling with these same issues hope or inspiration in their own life or journey.

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Jewelry Artisan, cocktail waitress, part time escort. at Emerald Club, Shuckeys Club
Hello I’m Jackie. I had a pretty long bio and decided to shorten it up. Most of you here at CDH know me, those of you who are new to CDH I say hello to you and welcome to a family you won’t know elsewhere. I love to talk so should you feel the need just hit me up, I’m here, Jackie (Wild Child).....

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  1. Author
    Jackie 2 weeks ago

    An Update from our sister Nikki. She has had an abundance of support and has made a very smooth entrance into the gurly world. Her transformation has been unforgettable. I even have her doing drag every now and then which she also loves doing. Her divorce was final recently and she’s seeing a guy who she absolutely adores. Nikki has become a very special sister to me and I do believe our friendship and sisterhood will last this lifetime. She is also extremely thankful to all of you here at CDH and now TGH for all of your support, love and respect. She has also became a very huge LGBTQ community member and is making her way to helping other’s come out. We all know first hand how frightful and intimidating coming out can be, some more than others. Well I could go on but you get the point. A big part of my point is is how important and special CDH is. Everyone here played a huge part in her life, thank u sister’s for reaching out and for all your loving support. Warmest regards, Nikki & Jackie…..

  2. T.J. Byron 4 weeks ago

    Looks like you are able singer/ musician…meets too!
    Would love to chat…you look Fabulous!…more pics please!
    LOVED CDH…trustworthy connection to like minded FOLKS

  3. jamme mac 11 months ago

    Don’t just walk in stride. Stand tall and strut proudly. You are home!

    • Author
      Jackie 2 weeks ago

      Oh she is believe me dear. Nikki is doing wonderful. She’s had an abundance of support and a very smooth transformation into the gurly world. I convinced her to do some drag as well and she loves it. She’s beautiful inside and out. She sends her love and respect to this awesome community we are blessed to have in our lives and all of yours and my sister’s involved in it.

  4. My marriage split up a year ago…getting ready to divorce her soon. I want to say that part of it is my cross dressing, as she knew a little of it and although she did not really.like it she is broad minded enough to let it go….until my (daughter) now son came out as a trans man….naturally she blamed me….wahhhtevs….
    The reality of the situation is that she is a narrow, narcissistic controlling….umm..yeah…
    As soon as she lost control of me she began to back bite using my fem side as a weapon..

    What ever….bye Felicia. The kids woke up and found strength to bail on her…and in doing so they expanded their family enormously….they now have four moms, two dads, budding amateur musical theater careers amd are happy as clams….I was incidentally outed to them the other night…They shrugged…we know…

    My fiancee is making me over and teaching me….she was a cosmetics associate and artist at the Macy’s Sephora knockoff before it got axed…..when I saw my face last night for the first time, it was all I could do to keep from crying and ruining it…I have never liked looking in mirrors…but I must have spent an hour staring at myself and playing with expressions….and smiling….
    I am slowly outing myself to select people who I trust and know well…it is an amazing feeling.

    Tonight we have plans to attend a regular party both of us dressed up gorgeous and ready to break hearts…I plan to brave the grocery store for the wine…

    I may just be telling my own story….but I am doing so to illustrate the point that there are those who will support you, and love you for who you are….so, straghten your wig, touch up your lipstick and go do it….make it a beautiful life! You got this, honey.

    • Author
      Jackie 1 year ago

      Beautifully said Rowan. May your own journey become an example for many to follow. You rock!

  5. Isabella 1 year ago

    Your story really moved me in so many ways , thank you for taking the time and energy to write and publish it
    You are an inspiration, a wonderful human being
    The universe will provide for Niki as shes living her truth which is the hlghest state one can reach
    Love and best wishes

    • Author
      Jackie 1 year ago

      Thank you Simone for such an inspirational compliment. Glad you like her story and hope something within helps you or other’s follow their own dreams and paths.

  6. Felishia Lopez 1 year ago

    You go girl, that’s the most important thing is to be happy

  7. Felishia Lopez 1 year ago

    Jackie you are so beautiful I really wish I can be just as beautiful as you

  8. Having just come out as well to my kids and brother and leaving a miserable marriage recently, I was lucky to have support from my kids and my brother. I am also putting myself out there to make friends as Darcy as well. However, this article is very fitting for all of us and Nikki is gorgeous. I am sure she is also finding that she is the happiest with herself than she has ever been. We owe it to ourselves to be happy and being complete and whole in our femininity is what we strive to be.

  9. Veronica Raines 1 year ago

    Hello Nikki. You are so brave. I just finished reading about you, and I can’t stop crying. I don’t know what else to say, except you are loved, by so many of us, who want to follow in your footsteps.

  10. Raquel Mendoza 1 year ago

    Hey u also started at a young age. I would wear my sisters panties at 12 yrs old and I began fully dressing in their clothes when I was 13. Would love another girl to talk sometimes I need advice and be able to talk to someone its overwhelming having all these feelings and secrets and desires and not. Having any body to talk to about it. Would love to chat sometims

  11. Lea 1 year ago

    Many of us figured out we were “different” before we met our wives and spouses. We put that difference aside, tried to start new lives with women we think of as amazing, struggle for years with our shadow personas, then finally get tired of the hiding and want to be honest. So sad that for many of us, we don’t get the acceptance we crave from those we love the most.

    Our spouses say it’s selfish, selfless, but many don’t realize just how much we had to give just to survive from those first moments we realized we’re “different” to each day we live in the shadow of acceptance.

    The irony is that many of us are supportive husbands, who encourage our spouses to reach their dreams, who promote that they can break gender barriers. It’s sad it’s not reciprocal for many of us.

    Poor Nikki! Her wive’s pain is inflicting so much sadness and harm on the same relationships that Nikki seems to cherish. Being blocked from seeing her kids isn’t right, crossdresser or not – sadly, that will only lead to more legal and emotional battles between the parents, and kids completely confused by all of it. Those same nurturing mothers go into protective mode against the fathers of their children when it’s the parents disagreeing.

    I wish i could offer some strength and words of encouragement – I just can’t, I have the exact fear of what Nikki’s going through and there doesn’t seem to be any guarantee that life gets better. Maybe it does decades later when we realize it was better to have lived the truth than lived a lie.

    – Lea

  12. Dani 1 year ago

    Wives are so unpredictable, for some unknown reason for the last 80 years ago they are allowed to cross dress daily and no one cares. For us now we can’t, I keep asking myself why the double standard? It is not fair. I do believe in that women have a hard time separating sex from gender and what male sex represents to them.

    it has taken me 11 years since I came out to my wife for her to move to some sort of acceptance. My clothes are in the closet and dresser, I have 25 pairs of shoes, underdress daily, wear androgynous womens clothing, such as slacks, patterned pocket jeans ,tees, and blouses and some of my neutral gendered shoes .I do not dress fully around her unless I am going out. It has not been easy getting to this point, been served twice with divorce papers, yet she does some thinking, comes back we talk and work things out. So have patience, provide her with some supportive web sites and other spouses that you know who are working through or more accepting. Best of all be true to yourself and don’t beat yourself up with shame and guilt. It took me 55 years, several councillors to get over this. However, my wife still tries to put me back in the normal male box. I now just keep telling her I am normal, just not I the way she wants to think I am.
    Love Dani

    • Esther 1 year ago

      Dani, I too think its unfair that women can crossdress with no stares & men cant. Half the women in our small town have no female looks. My wife does wear dresses & has long hair, so I cant use her as an example that she should allow me to be feminine. However once when she was gone, I accidentally found a large slip in the drawer that was too big for her. I tried it on, & loved it so much that I didn’t take it off for day after she came home. She saw that I was wearing it & allowed me to keep it. She even bought me another slip, & now I wear slips all the time. But she wont allow me to wear dresses in our small town. ( I think she would be embarrassed). But she hasn’t said I cant wear them out of town. I thought she didn’t know that I am trying to grow my breasts, But one day last month, she laid a bra out along with the other clothes she has me wear. I was pleasantly surprised, but I was scared to say anything. So at least she allows me to wear ladies undergarments, which is encouraging. In the winter, I also wear nylons under my pants, which are amazingly warm, so all that helps me feel like a woman! love Esther

      • Danielle Foley 5 months ago

        Hi Esther,
        I want to grow my breasts from the A cup they are now to a B cup. I bought myself a 42 A bra which feels so good cupping my breasts that I do have. What are you using for breast growth? How long was it until she noticed? Thanks! TTFN

  13. Cathy Rokos 1 year ago

    Hi Jackie , i am cathy here in Connecticut . I am bi not out an no one k ows i am into this i want to dress an go out if with right people i have to get things i need an as a man i am very big 6ft1 250 wide back shoulders an arms 21 inch . Love to talk more

    I love the name Cathy an i used name Trina . I love dping what a women does such as in sex one thing only done once but loved it an want more oral i have done a number of times love it an being a women . WHAT AM I TO DO .. smiles . Any place to get hand me down lol

    • Author
      Jackie 1 year ago

      Not sure I follow what you are saying / asking?

    • Author
      Jackie 1 year ago

      Cathy there is clothing to fit anyone big or small. I don’t think I quite understand what your asking me except for the clothing issue. As far as the sexuality part you mentioned which should be discussed in private and not here. Perhaps you could write an article regarding your situation and get feedback from other members. Best, Jackie….

  14. Tammy 1 year ago

    Thank you so much for sharing this. I am a crossdresser that finally told my wife after 30+ years. The good side she knew from her research I would not stop and we have an agreement on when I can dress. The bad news is she will not except my feminine side at all and does not like it. As I (we) work through this it is a tremendous help to me to know what others have done and gone through in similar situation.
    Anyone that has any suggestions for me please email me. I know each situation is not the same. The end goal for a lot of us is the same. I am at the minim now, I dress only at home and have very few things to wear compared with what I had when I was going out. My goal is to have her except me, go shopping with me and help pick things out for me and her and be able to go out and meet friends and go to group activities.
    Any suggestions will be greatly appreciated.


    • Author
      Jackie 1 year ago

      Cathy there is clothing to fit anyone big or small. I don’t think I quite understand what your asking me except for the clothing issue. As far as the sexuality part you mentioned which should be discussed in private and not here. Perhaps you could write an article regarding your situation and get feedback from other members. Best, Jackie….

    • Author
      Jackie 1 year ago

      Tammy I would say time will handle your situation but I think it would be misleading you. Maybe your wife would accept and agree to seeing a therapist together. A large percentage of us have therapist in our lives. I personally am not married and don’t face the same issues as many of you here do here, but I have had to deal with somewhat similar situations where as an x partner wanted me to stop doing drag and dressing in my daily 24/7 fashion. I refused to dispose of or change my complete wardrobe just because he decided how I should dress and act. When we face having to make such decisions I know in my heart I’m not being stubborn or having to have it my way but instead I am continuing to just merely be who I am and being true to thy self. To be honest I wouldn’t even feel comfortable or be happy and content trying in trying to be someone I’m not for anyone. I made the conscious decision many years ago that anyone who couldn’t or for that matter wouldn’t accept me for who I am really didn’t want to be a part of my life anyway. We face many obstacles in our lives and find ourselves having to make sacrifices for the one’s we love and who don’t understand us. On a personal level I realized or knew early on that I would never know how to make others accept me. I just don’t possess that degree of power. I find that at 57 years old now there are still many who don’t accept me for who I am or understand. Hell there are even several here affiliated members of CDH whom I believe don’t agree with my personal lifestyle both being gay and/or being a part time drag queen but I don’t let it deter me because it’s simply who I am and I do what makes me content. Is this selfish or no? If you said selfish then you are right, it is being a little selfish in many aspects but it’s that form of selfishness I believe is mandatory to be happy with ourselves without regrets at the end!

  15. Nikki faces a tough road ahead and she is lucky to have a friend like you Jackie. I think that for all the problems I have with my wife because I am a crossdresser, it must be tenfold as difficult for someone who is truly TG and bi at the same time. I only hope her children are able to eventually understand that she is the same loving person she has always been, and that her love for them has not changed.


    • Author
      Jackie 1 year ago

      Thank you April for the comment. Her wife is still so angry. Nikki was here at my house the other day grabbing some things that her wives sister brought for her. Doorbell rang I opened it and there she stood. She blames me for some reason and me only. I too hope she comes around for everyone’s sake especially her children.

      • Hatred is not a good emotion to carry with you for someone who you professed to love only a short while ago. I can see that she might be hurt by Nikki’s revelation, but hatred…………….. that is just so sad.


  16. Hang in there I’ll keep you in my prayers. I’ve been thinking alot about this. Basically the uniary direction some take with regards to equal rights. If a woman dresses masculine its considered liberating or androgynous. If a man does it hes considered gay or effiminate. Nikki know that your power lies in you are more that the whole. You have the strength of a man and the sensitivity of a woman. Let that be your badge of honor when people would ridicule you. It’s a hard walk but if you wear your gender on your sleeve and take honor in it they can’t hurt you. You are more than the sum of your parts.

    • Author
      Jackie 1 year ago

      Excellent advice Victoria with such strong meaning and inspiration, thank you.

  17. Dear Jackie and Nikki. May the Good Lord smile down on you both. I am saddened that family and friends, those who say they are….can ostracize you in an instant because you have decided to be different. I have suffered ridicule too but you know what…..I decided to be me and do what makes me happy….no-body else. From deep in my heart, I say this to you both. Even if you two are green 2 headed 6 legged monsters………I love you both body and soul and your welcome to my castle as my friends and soul mates…..uncatagoricelly.

    The road to freedom is rocky and tough going with many obsticales. Be true to your desires and bruised and bloody…YOU WILL GET THERE !!! If I can send my troops ahead to help….let me know….I will be leading them.

    Love…….Lady Veronica

    • Author
      Jackie 1 year ago

      So true. I still hear ridicule and sny remarks from some of my family but it deters me none. Not as bad as it was in junior and high school though. I believe in divine intervention and spiritual awakenings and I think both are going to make themselves present one day hopefully sooner than later that will change some minds and outlooks. As diversity has played a huge role in most of our lives the old saying “what don’t kill us will and does make us stronger”. I believe in that wholeheartedly!

  18. She is lucky to have a good friend like you to help her navigate these difficult shals!

    • Author
      Jackie 1 year ago

      Hi Skippy thank you for your comment. I don’t know, I have always tried to help anyone who came to me. In school I always defended the under dog or weak (got my but kicked a couple of times but they seemed to back off afterwards.” Nothing like a mad half crazy Tranny to jump in and make a jerk out of the one’s starting crap!

  19. Krista 1 year ago

    Hi Jackie, thanks so much for sharing Part 3 of Nikki’s story. It is very sad that Nikki’s wife had the reaction she did. I reread Parts 1 and 2 to remind myself. As for Nikki, yes she definitely needs to know that there are many of us here that understand her journey and can provide love and support.

    When I told my wife that I was a CD, I was not dressed. And she is okay with me dressing as long as she doesn’t have to participate. Although she has seen me in full dress and makeup, my wife prefers not to see me. So I have been gradually adding female attire to my daily dressing. My hair is now past my shoulders (yay, no more need for wigs). T-shirts, slacks, socks are now becoming feminine (and of course bra and panties are underneath much of the time).

    I hope that Nikki can overcome this most challenging period in her journey. You didn’t mention if she is getting professional counselling. Friend support is fantastic and professional support is a great supplement. There are a number of members who have gone through the process of telling their children and hopefully they will provide some support. In keeping with my wife’s wishes, I haven’t told my children but if they raise the question, I will answer them truthfully.

    All my Best to Nikki, and thanks again Jackie. Do you think there will be a Part 4?
    Hugs, Krista

    • Author
      Jackie 1 year ago

      Thanks Krista for the inspirational words. She did agree to go to a therapist just as I and countless other’s have. I think she is going to find that though she has so much support here at CDH and here where we live that a professional experienced therapist will bring much more light into the whole thing. And though her wife believes I played a major role regarding this time I do pray she too will go see one or a psychologist soon that I’m certain will shed new light on the situation. As for part 4 well, there’s plenty more to be told and it will be soon. Thanks again doll.

  20. Julie Carson 1 year ago

    Jackie, reading this third part of your series reminds me of something you told me recently. And that is, “why would anyone go thru such humiliation, loss of family and friends, spend egads of money on our clothes, makeup, shoes, hair, nails, so much time getting dressed, putting our makeup on and in the end sleeping with men if we weren’t made this way”?

    Thank you for being here for us Jackie!

    • Author
      Jackie 1 year ago

      Oh Julie thank you and your welcome. I love helping people when it’s needed. In fact I assisted my neighbor the other day when he was working on his car. I didn’t really know what tool he was asking for when he asked so it took me a minute while he explained what it looked like haha before I could hand it to him under the car, thank God he was patient with me lol. Thank You again for such kind words. Stay strong sister.

    • Author
      Jackie 1 year ago

      Thank you April for the comment. Her wife is still so angry. Nikki was here at my house the other day grabbing some things that her wives sister brought for her. Doorbell rang I opened it and there she stood. She blames me for some reason and me only. I too hope she comes around for everyone’s sake especially her children.

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