I’m sitting here as I try to type, staring a bit at the screen, then down at myself and what I’m wearing. I’m dressed in drab – again, and I’m trying to get up the energy to dress, but I doubt I’ll be anymore successful than I have the past couple of weeks. I’m kind of in a funk, and I’m having a bit of trouble getting out of it. All of which has me thinking a lot about desire lately, and what it is about desire that makes life more exciting, and just more worth living. Have you ever wanted to want something? Like you knew that life was better when you really desired it, irrespective of whether you actually achieved what you desired?

I have been thinking a lot about the waxing and waning of my desire to crossdress, especially since as of late I have been deep into the “waning” phase. Because I have been working 50 – 60 hour weeks for a bit now I just don’t seem to have the energy or the desire to dress, or even to express my feminine self, as I usually do. And I have noticed that it tends to make me a bit melancholy, as if something important is missing from my life. It’s actually kind of ironic to find out that something that has been the root of so many problems in my life, turns out also to be something that is vital to my well being. Who knew that simply wanting to dress and feel feminine was something I needed to be happy? Not even the actual dressing, but just the wanting, the desire to be my female self, if only briefly?

In some ways it makes absolutely no sense.

At one time I thought that if I just didn’t have this desire that life would be so much easier; so much better. But when I actually lose the desire to dress I find that I am not happier, I just feel less complete somehow, less fulfilled. I wonder if others have had this experience, and how they coped with it. I know that eventually the desire to bring April out will return, it always does; but in the meantime, waiting for it to come back can be a long frustrating ordeal. Knowing that I have been my happiest when my crossdressing urges were their greatest (and I was actually able to fulfill those urges, at least occasionally) can be a source of frustration when the desire is not there. I have been through this a couple of times since I started dressing again, and even though I know it won’t last forever, it can still be a rather frustrating period of time.

I’ve been alone for two weeks now, because my wife has been out of town taking care of a family emergency, and I have had many opportunities to dress, but other than wearing my lacy robe some nights, I’ve really only dressed once, and then I just stayed home and did chores. First time I’ve dressed and not gone out. It was OK, but I felt a bit like I was going through the motions, not what I was hoping for. That was 10 days ago and I haven’t dressed since.

I may yet put on that lacy robe, but I’m just not really feeling it. I type away and wish fervently that the desire to be April will return sooner rather than later. I hope it’s much like they say about writing: if you don’t feel it write something anyway, eventually inspiration will come. So I keep going to the chat room, the forums and reading all the wonderful articles on the home page in hopes that something will spark the desire again. One thing I truly love about the internet is that I can still connect with the friends I have made here. And because it’s not visual I don’t need to be “on” all the time.

If I just keep my spirits up and remember that all of my life is worth living, not just when I’m April, I think that eventually the desire will come back all on it’s own; but in the meantime I’ll just keep plugging away in guy mode, and hoping against hope that some shoe sale somewhere will light that spark which will finally get me back on track.

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April (Pacific Princess)

I have been crossdressing since about the age of 7, but took a 30+ year hiatus from dressing while I was busy with family. I started dressing again a little over a year ago, and I finally like who I am. I only dress once a week or so, but I'm a bit of a perfectionist and love going “all out” when I do. I guess I'm kind of a late bloomer (re-bloomer?), and I don't know where this journey is going, but I plan on enjoying the ride!

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43 Comments
  1. JaneS 1 year ago

    An excellent article April. Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us.

  2. Eddy 1 year ago

    sounds like your just tiered long hours will do that to you.

  3. skippy1965(Cynthia) 1 year ago

    April! Love the article and glad to know our pendulum has swumg back to the side of April recently!

  4. Nikki Jones 1 year ago

    April what an excellent article it puts into words a lot of how Ive been feeling lately myself

  5. Angela 1 year ago

    Don’t worry sister, the urge ALWAYS comes back and will never leave you for good even if you wanted it to.
    Besides, you are too pretty to not dress.
    Hugs and kisses, Angela

  6. Holly G 1 year ago

    April, I’ve SO been there! I had a short time where I was living on my own during a major out of state move. For the first little bit, Holly seemed to take over my life while I was on my own, but it a fun way. Then all of a sudden…it stopped. Maybe it was an overdose of my female side, but I found that my usual feelings of release and relaxation that usually accompanied leaving my other world behind by becoming Holly were no longer there. I ended up stopping for awhile. It was odd to have full freedom to express myself, but not take advantage of it. Now I no longer have that freedom and I’m back to feeling trapped at times! 🙂

  7. debbie 1 year ago

    Yes April we all go through it but maybe in shorter stints. As Angela said that desire will never leave us but there can always be hiatus in everything. Dont ponder too deeply its a phase and stress can do that to you

  8. Hey April..are we connected somehow? That is EXACTLY how I have been lately. Maybe it’s the season, the stress of working too much, not sure. I am glad that I am not the only one that is misfiring a little bit, I thought I was on a solo trip! I hope you get inspired again soon, and I love you my Sister in Crime!!

  9. Author

    Ladies – thank you all for the lovely and encouraging comments. Know that I started writing this almost two months ago and I have been out of my funk for a couple of weeks now at least. It feels good to be April again!

  10. Lea 1 year ago

    Thank you April for sharing. I too go through phases where I just don’t feel like getting dressed. I think women do the same when they feel like just wearing baggy sweats, ugly flip flops, and no bra out shopping, or running errands.

    I do try to remind myself of this part of me by going shopping, and somehow, seeing all the fashions and styles, rekindles my desire to dress. I’m glad that i do get myself through these phases before foolishing purging (a mistake I’ve learned from over the years).

    Hang in there, and you’ll find your desire to dress.

  11. April – thank you. I am sure that a lot of us have had “the drabs” at some point where we debate whether the effort is worth it, or if the time invested could be put to something else. in the end we all circle back. You may not be dressed physically, and the desire may go away and or come back…but I am glad when you are here!

    xoxo katie

  12. Bronwyn 1 year ago

    Hello April, like most of the posters here [i didn't read them all] many could empathize with you immediately. As i did. Almost from the the first paragraph i felt i was reading about MY life! The further i read , the more your words rang true to me. The way you feel mirrors exactly what i go through, and am going through now.

  13. chloe 1 year ago

    I understand , thanks for your article. It comes and goes for me also , I’ve tried to force myself to dress only to be frustrated at the lack of desire. I learned not to worry about it because it will return. Let me compare it this way; sometimes its like a steak dinner , makeup, nails, corset, hose heels wig jewelry and its great. Other times its like a hamburger, just skirt and heels maybe a top. Then there are times when I’m not hungry at all, don’t feel like dressing. Enjoy each stage of your life.

  14. Harietta 1 year ago

    I am not “out” as is said.
    While I can do my own makeup I have for the last few years managed my joy in dressing by paying professionals to do my hair and makeup. I really love the process, especially in an open salon. There’s a bit of a thrill not knowing just how it will turn out and in surrendering to the skills of pros. And I have come out looking quite beautiful.
    I try to do this in other cities where no one would ever know just who that guy in that fabulous dress might be.
    It’s a combination of adventure, playing hookie, and self examination seeing just how beautiful I can be made to be.
    The cost and planning help me manage my dressing so that it remains fun energizing, calming and all without the chance of ruining my life with my work and family.
    I do not think people are as grown up about my secret passion as we would love to believe.
    But my way is addictive as while I seek (and get) better and better results every time it’s getting more and more expensive.

  15. terri m 1 year ago

    April, your post hit the mark. I have been dressing on and off since I was 13. I’m 68 now and the urge is stronger than ever. My wife wants no part of my femme side. My family has always come first. I love being my femme self and if things were different I would try living as a woman and see if it was right for me. Thank you for posting.
    Yours Terri

    • Melanie 1 year ago

      Terri:

      I couldn’t have said it better myself. I too am 68, have a wife that knows, tolerates it but definitely doesn’t support it. Like you, family comes first–always has, but I do stop and think at times that it would be nice to have the freedom to dress when and where I please. I go through the ups and downs of dressing. Sometimes weeks will go by and other than “underdressing” (which has been the norm for 20+ years) I really have no desire to make the effort. Then, BANG, out of the blue it becomes all consuming and I just have to dress. I try to get out once a month and shop en femme, but I live in a medium size town and the constant fear of running into a friend or neighbor when I’m out takes some of the enjoyment out of it. It’s funny, but slipping into a blouse, skirt, stockings and heels always seem to give me an inner peace that is hard to explain. And yes, the older I get the more I feel the draw. . .

  16. Suzanne Jeffries 1 year ago

    Sometimes I dress just because I have the opportunity even when the urge is not very strong or completely absent. I am dressed today because the urge is so strong I almost can’t control it. On days like today I love being dressed so much I can’t imagine not being able to do it. It makes me feel so good, well you know what it feels like. During times when the urge is not there I know it will return because it always has. I don’t worry about it and just let it happen when it happens (but it always happens). Try not to over analyze and just go with the flow.
    Huggs and kisses,
    Suzanne

  17. Vera Jane Gonsalves 1 year ago

    Very well written article….. you expressed the ‘boredom” of losing your desire to dress so well…… and being kinda of stuck……. so well.
    Vera Jane

  18. Milesa Phar 1 year ago

    I’ve lamented that Cis-women probably don’t go thru lessening of desire to dress- they”have to” be it working clothes, evening , or what ever presents them at the moment and situation . What gives us the freedom or restrictions and desires baffles me too.
    (I have an understanding wife but she prefers I do it without her. I go shopping enfemme about once a month.

  19. Joanne 1 year ago

    Wonderful article. And helpful comments. If I was a natural woman, I guess there would be days when I would feel like just relaxing in casual clothes and no make up. And I too sometimes feel that way. Today is one of those days. I also have business meetings. I have chosen to keep my feminine side in place with unisex outer clothing and femme underwear. So I just think of myself as a woman. This is part of being a woman. Once I have laid out some nice things on the bed to wear, in a few minutes I am dressed and set for the day. Being a woman takes time and effort. Part of my femme self says I should embrace dressing each day as part of my journey. For me, whether I initially feel like it or not, I always am pleased that I did, at least in a small way. Getting really dressed up and feeling pretty is a real treat. And takes time and effort. And is worth it. Hugs to everyone

  20. Janet 1 year ago

    I too enjoy being totally feminine. I love doing my makeup, polishing my nails, wearing long dangly earrings and heels. My time preparing is just as rewarding as when I see myself in my mirror as a beautiful woman. I enjoy doing my makeup and am very fussy about having my nails perfectly polished. I guess it’s all part of the woman I have become. Being in a pretty dress and feeling like a woman is my greatest reward.

    Janet

  21. Janedon 1 year ago

    I sleep in nities/wear women pants to work & am partially dressed fem almost all the time at home—So–I guess the desire never leaves me—When I have free time I love to get completely dolled up-

    • Gail 1 year ago

      April I have gone through alot of Purgers. My latest one was 8 years ago when I had a heart attack. Fearing my death and my “Stash” being discovered by my family, I got rid of some of the prettiest, Feminine clothes you could imagine. I had a pair of Silicone Breast forms that cost $200.00 and they felt Great and I adored the Bounce when I walked and depending what Bra I was wearing, the nipples and areola were visible through my blouse.
      Anyway, my desires to dress had to be suppressed, but at times almost impossible to endure.
      Now, I’m throwing caution to the wind and making up for lost time.
      I am married, my wife knows but does NOT want to have any part of it, not even knowing I have these needs. She recently found a tube of my lipstick, went balletic and threw it away.

  22. Leonara 1 year ago

    Hi April,
    Thank you for sharing your thoughts in your article. For me absence makes “the desire” grow fonder. I only dress when the opportunity presents itself when my wife is away with friends. When Leonara time comes , as you mentioned in your ptrofile I “love to go all out”.
    Is April on hold?? And you may desire to purge.. Forums have mentioned to put them in storage …. Desire may come back… It worked for me..especially the lady behind the dry cleaning counter complemented on my “wife’s” pretty dresses! I replied , I picked them out myself.
    I love your attitude keep up your spirits…Life IS worth living not just when U R April
    Leonara

  23. Janine 1 year ago

    Hi April
    I know exactly what you are taking about when you say that you just don’t have the desire to become April as much as you used to.
    I also have to agree with the way that you said about a shoe sale maybe lighting the spark to become April again.
    Honey it’s still there and finding a way to light the fire is what you need to do.
    For me it was buying some really sexy panties and wanting to see how I looked wearing them.
    Since you mentioned shoes that might be just the thing that you need to light the fire of desire for you
    There’s nothing like finding a perfect pair of heels and thinking about how you will look wearing them with a short skirt and a pair of thigh high stockings to complete the look.
    Good luck April.
    I know that you will find the spark to light the fire soon

  24. Amanda Patrick 1 year ago

    Hi April,

    Wow what an article. It really hit home with the way I am feeling right now. I am over analyzing my non desire to dress to the point of stress. it just came back for me really strong after dormancy for many years. so when the desire wanes for awhile I find my self thinking is it gone again for along time? I would not want that now in my life. Judging by some of the responses to your post I just need to not over analyze and just flow with it because it will definitely come back. as a matter of fact I know I will have some private time early next month already thinking about Amanda time. once again great article my questions always seem to get answered when I check in here.

    Hugs,

    Amanda patrick

    • Author

      Amanda – I wrote this article a little while back. My “funk” lasted about two months. If you can believe it I think it was just that the antidepressants I switched to weren’t doing their job. When I went back to my old ones (which have annoying but manageable side effects) my mood lifted in just a couple of days. I feel pretty darn good again! But all of us go through periods when dressing just seems like too much work. Think about it – if genetic women had to go through what we do to just look decent they would probably lay around in sweats all day and just give up.

      I’m sure your desires will reappear. Don’t know when, but you hang in there hon! And PM me if you want to talk.

      Hugs,
      April

  25. Maria Young 1 year ago

    Hi April I’m not sure but maybe your pressuring yourself too much or your just too plain tired which sounds likely when I was working full time and going to school I was so tired I couldn’t even think at times the desire will return I’m sure you know that it’s always in there somewhere I think if only in our dreams stress might also be getting in the way or guilt that persistent feeling that your doing something wrong I have days at times when I just don’t feel like dressing it bugs me I know I feel more feminine than masculine but I still have to go back and forth between drab and deb well if I get there LoL I tried to transition last year but it just didnt work out well I ran out of money really being disabled is getting to be rather drab if you know what I mean but have faith it will return on its own dont try to force it but I’m no expert not even on myself and thanks for the article Love Maria

  26. wayne 1 year ago

    From your picture, it looks like you have boobs, which is more than I have. I have really long hair & I wear slips all the time, so Im always partly dressed. My wife even bought me some slips as hers were too big for me, but she wont let me wear skirts out of the house which is a disappointment. I am onle shy to wear dresses in front of people I know, as I did wear dresses when I went out of town several times without embarrassment, so I know what I can be comfortable in wearing. Esther

  27. Penny Diamond 1 year ago

    Hi April,

    I know how you feel. I only really dress once or twice a month, sometimes getting out, sometimes just dressing up at home. I’ve found that the more I do dress, the more I want to, but if I have gone a longish period of not dressing, say a couple of months, I find that i can’t be bothered and have to push myself to dress as I know deep down I really want to!?

    Hugs

    Penny x

  28. stephanie 1 year ago

    Hello April. Just be yourself and do not get hung up about dressing.For many years I kept it a secret but now I dress all the time and visitors to my home accept me for who I am.So put on your best clothes and wow the world.i have gone through all you write about.Be brave,go for it.Go shopping even………Stephanie

  29. Peta 1 year ago

    Hello April I too know what you mean about not wanting to be April sometimes .I used to get like that and throw all my lovely clothes away .Wish I had never done that I had a pair of lovely French bras and I miss them now .I am going to buy two pairs of stockings next week a white pair and a natural tone to wear with suspenders my wife is coming with me ,she knows I crossdress and sometimes gives me a camisole she does not want and I grab it and wear it all week I do know what you mean April but being all dressed and feeling good is worth it Women don’t realise how lucky they are to be able to dress every day in a lovely dress stockings and heels instead they want to wear Jeans I don’t understand it . Peta x

  30. ABCDEF 1 year ago

    Hi
    i am a crossdressing and i need to wear a beautiful collar dresses to feel or to show myself as a girl and how to wear this dresses as well as how to go outside in public
    please help me
    Thanks

  31. Madeline 1 year ago

    I dress fem all the time while in the home. It feels more comfortable, natural and so right. Above all I am so happy when I dress as Madeline. Only wish I had the courage to go out doorrs as Madeline.

  32. Elizabeth 12 months ago

    April I just went thru a purge cycle myself about 10 months ago. I thought I could keep Elizabeth (Beth) buried but I have purged 3 times. Wish I would have never done it. Now Elizabeth wants to come out and she has nothing to wear. I am now stuck in guy mode until I go shopping (soon I hope) but Elizabeth can be herself and meet new friends here until then.

  33. Meagan 12 months ago

    Your article touched me very much April. I’ve been going through something like this for a little while now. I’ve been a closet crossdresser on and off since I was about 3, so for almost 30 years now but there’s been years and years where I didn’t feel like dressing up, it was only about three years ago that the desire to become Meagan became very intense. In those two years, I went from being a guy who occasionally crossdressed in clothes he had “stolen” from his mom (she more or less allowed me to keep them) a few times a year to becoming Meagan 24/7 well at home and purchasing myself a very nice wardrobe of about 150+ garments and 50+ pairs of shoes, not to mention all the jewelry, wigs and breast forms too. I had begun visiting many different resource sites for CDers and started to feminize myself to a great extent and even started to think about what the future might hold after I turned the spare bedroom into Meagan’s room and wanting to finally go out in public as Meagan but then about 6 months ago I ended up feeling something that I haven’t felt in a long time…. The shame and fear of being seen/caught crossdressing. I had been living alone for those two years and during that time Meagan’s persona had come into it’s own and I no longer had a desire to be Meagan because I was Meagan but a friend and his girlfriend needed a place to stay and I had just became unemployed about a month or so prior, so I told him they could move in for a few months to help pay the bills until I could find a job and he could find a decent place for himself and her.
    I knew it was going to be a little difficult to adjust to at first since I wasn’t going to tell him that it was a woman that lived here and I that I was actually just visiting well they were here since that really wasn’t a conversion I wanted to have but I figured I’d be able to get through those months just fine. I quickly became depressed after about a month of having to “hide” Meagan, I would do what I could but after freely living at home as Meagan for two years only to have to hide in a room now caused my desire to be her to return because I no longer felt like I was her but even the desire that I felt was slowly dwindling away since my floors are hardwood, which causes a considerable amount of noise when walking on them in heels unless you’re very careful and I also was never able to have complete privacy since it turns out the girlfriend is homebound and the last time I did try to become Meagan, about 6 months ago, what I was dreading the most happened… There was a knock on my bedroom door and it was at that moment my heart sunk and the fear of being caught made the last two years just feel like a complete waste and what I was doing just made me a joke.
    Since then, I’ve become too ashamed to even attempt to dress and everything that I had worked on and learned over the last two years, all went away in a matter of months but I will finally have my privacy again at the end of J0anuary and I hope that will be the spark I need. I was going to try and reignite by going on a massive shopping spree since I had come into some money but I want Meagan to decide what she wants not me.

  34. Joanne Johnson 11 months ago

    There are times too when I resent the need to dress as it overtakes my life in many ways. I lose part of myself though when I don’t. So it’s a catch 22. So I just have to accept that and let my girl out to play. Once I have laid out my clothes for the day, it all feels just right again. When I have those moments as many of us do, I make sure that I wear one of my prettier dresses and my most womanly feeling underwear. This includes shapewear. I am fully dressed in a few minutes and my makeup is fun to do then as I am Joanne again. Me in fact. For me, it’s just accepting that after 50 years of on and off crossdressing, I am happier as Joanne. More content inside and if I was a natural woman, there might be days when jeans and T shirt over panties would do. And that should be ok for Joanne too. I am learning to accept that being a girl is dress for how I feel in all situations. Don’t fight it, ensure that I embrace my feminine side and my tensions seem to go away. Like most girls, once I am dressed up, I am ready to take on the world.

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  36. Jessica Wilson 8 months ago

    Yes i too needed to dress up a bit, wife is in town I don’t have much for sexy but my wife niece is here and she wears a 5 in a thong so told her to give them to me and then I called my mom and asked her about mini skirt she went and got that and a top now my mom is painting my nails and my niece is putting on my breast then we will do make up and off we go to meet with my wife then shopping at victoria. Secret I just love going there with my girls

  37. Maranda Author 7 months ago

    Been their. Don’t worry. It will come back with a vengeance

  38. Rubi Pearl 5 months ago

    yesterday i have removed hair from my body be waxing. I wearied my wife’s sports bra under my shirt and her skirt. I put lipstick on my lips and light makeup on my face. Then i moved in the city in my car. I walked in the crowed market too. I was in seventh cloud of pleasure. I also purchased some bras. The sales girl was very much cooperative to me.

  39. Tamera Lynn 4 months ago

    That’s all any of us can do, April . . . . . “plan on enjoying the ride!” We only pass this way but once, so it’s essential that we use our ‘internal GPS’ and travel the route that makes us happiest! Love to you, Tamera

  40. Gracie Ann 1 month ago

    This has always been a Huge one for me. I don’t want to, want to. I dress up and i feel guilty or i don’t and I drove myself crazy bc i didn’t. It’s a viscous cycle for me. No matter what I do, no matter how many times i purge or deny myself the urge never goes away.

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