I’m sitting here as I try to type, staring a bit at the screen, then down at myself and what I’m wearing. I’m dressed in drab – again, and I’m trying to get up the energy to dress, but I doubt I’ll be anymore successful than I have the past couple of weeks. I’m kind of in a funk, and I’m having a bit of trouble getting out of it. All of which has me thinking a lot about desire lately, and what it is about desire that makes life more exciting, and just more worth living. Have you ever wanted to want something? Like you knew that life was better when you really desired it, irrespective of whether you actually achieved what you desired?

I have been thinking a lot about the waxing and waning of my desire to crossdress, especially since as of late I have been deep into the “waning” phase. Because I have been working 50 – 60 hour weeks for a bit now I just don’t seem to have the energy or the desire to dress, or even to express my feminine self, as I usually do. And I have noticed that it tends to make me a bit melancholy, as if something important is missing from my life. It’s actually kind of ironic to find out that something that has been the root of so many problems in my life, turns out also to be something that is vital to my well being. Who knew that simply wanting to dress and feel feminine was something I needed to be happy? Not even the actual dressing, but just the wanting, the desire to be my female self, if only briefly?

In some ways it makes absolutely no sense.

Exceptional Voice

At one time I thought that if I just didn’t have this desire that life would be so much easier; so much better. But when I actually lose the desire to dress I find that I am not happier, I just feel less complete somehow, less fulfilled. I wonder if others have had this experience, and how they coped with it. I know that eventually the desire to bring April out will return, it always does; but in the meantime, waiting for it to come back can be a long frustrating ordeal. Knowing that I have been my happiest when my crossdressing urges were their greatest (and I was actually able to fulfill those urges, at least occasionally) can be a source of frustration when the desire is not there. I have been through this a couple of times since I started dressing again, and even though I know it won’t last forever, it can still be a rather frustrating period of time.

I’ve been alone for two weeks now, because my wife has been out of town taking care of a family emergency, and I have had many opportunities to dress, but other than wearing my lacy robe some nights, I’ve really only dressed once, and then I just stayed home and did chores. First time I’ve dressed and not gone out. It was OK, but I felt a bit like I was going through the motions, not what I was hoping for. That was 10 days ago and I haven’t dressed since.

I may yet put on that lacy robe, but I’m just not really feeling it. I type away and wish fervently that the desire to be April will return sooner rather than later. I hope it’s much like they say about writing: if you don’t feel it write something anyway, eventually inspiration will come. So I keep going to the chat room, the forums and reading all the wonderful articles on the home page in hopes that something will spark the desire again. One thing I truly love about the internet is that I can still connect with the friends I have made here. And because it’s not visual I don’t need to be “on” all the time.

Visit Transgender Heaven

If I just keep my spirits up and remember that all of my life is worth living, not just when I’m April, I think that eventually the desire will come back all on it’s own; but in the meantime I’ll just keep plugging away in guy mode, and hoping against hope that some shoe sale somewhere will light that spark which will finally get me back on track.

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April (Pacific Princess)

I am finally exploring transitioning after years of thinking about it. I have been crossdressing since about the age of 7, and took a 30+ year hiatus from dressing while I was busy raising my family. I started dressing again a few years ago, and lately I have realized that I am TG, not simply someone who likes to crossdress. I finally like who I am, and though I am moving closer and closer to who I want to be, I'm not quite sure who that is yet. I recently started dressing almost every day, and it is interesting, but the more I explore my female self and the closer I get to moving ahead with transitioning the more relaxed my style gets. I'm still a bit of a perfectionist though, and love going “all out” when the time calls for it. I'm just finally at peace with who I am and can't wait to keep moving forward.

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JaneS
3 years ago

An excellent article April. Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us.

Eddy
3 years ago

sounds like your just tiered long hours will do that to you.

skippy1965 Cynthia
Ambassador
Trusted Member
skippy1965 Cynthia (@skippy1965)
3 years ago

April! Love the article and glad to know our pendulum has swumg back to the side of April recently!

Nikki Jones
3 years ago

April what an excellent article it puts into words a lot of how Ive been feeling lately myself

Angela
3 years ago

Don’t worry sister, the urge ALWAYS comes back and will never leave you for good even if you wanted it to.
Besides, you are too pretty to not dress.
Hugs and kisses, Angela

Holly G
Member
Holly G (@holly-g)
3 years ago

April, I’ve SO been there! I had a short time where I was living on my own during a major out of state move. For the first little bit, Holly seemed to take over my life while I was on my own, but it a fun way. Then all of a sudden…it stopped. Maybe it was an overdose of my female side, but I found that my usual feelings of release and relaxation that usually accompanied leaving my other world behind by becoming Holly were no longer there. I ended up stopping for awhile. It was odd to have full… Read more »

Member
debbie
3 years ago

Yes April we all go through it but maybe in shorter stints. As Angela said that desire will never leave us but there can always be hiatus in everything. Dont ponder too deeply its a phase and stress can do that to you

Jesse Nicole(Smokey)
Duchess
Member
Jesse Nicole(Smokey) (@jesse316)
3 years ago

Hey April..are we connected somehow? That is EXACTLY how I have been lately. Maybe it’s the season, the stress of working too much, not sure. I am glad that I am not the only one that is misfiring a little bit, I thought I was on a solo trip! I hope you get inspired again soon, and I love you my Sister in Crime!!

Lea
Active Member
Lea (@lea-jhene)
3 years ago

Thank you April for sharing. I too go through phases where I just don’t feel like getting dressed. I think women do the same when they feel like just wearing baggy sweats, ugly flip flops, and no bra out shopping, or running errands. I do try to remind myself of this part of me by going shopping, and somehow, seeing all the fashions and styles, rekindles my desire to dress. I’m glad that i do get myself through these phases before foolishing purging (a mistake I’ve learned from over the years). Hang in there, and you’ll find your desire to… Read more »

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