I’m sitting here as I try to type, staring a bit at the screen, then down at myself and what I’m wearing. I’m dressed in drab – again, and I’m trying to get up the energy to dress, but I doubt I’ll be anymore successful than I have the past couple of weeks. I’m kind of in a funk, and I’m having a bit of trouble getting out of it. All of which has me thinking a lot about desire lately, and what it is about desire that makes life more exciting, and just more worth living. Have you ever wanted to want something? Like you knew that life was better when you really desired it, irrespective of whether you actually achieved what you desired?
I have been thinking a lot about the waxing and waning of my desire to crossdress, especially since as of late I have been deep into the “waning” phase. Because I have been working 50 – 60 hour weeks for a bit now I just don’t seem to have the energy or the desire to dress, or even to express my feminine self, as I usually do. And I have noticed that it tends to make me a bit melancholy, as if something important is missing from my life. It’s actually kind of ironic to find out that something that has been the root of so many problems in my life, turns out also to be something that is vital to my well being. Who knew that simply wanting to dress and feel feminine was something I needed to be happy? Not even the actual dressing, but just the wanting, the desire to be my female self, if only briefly?
In some ways it makes absolutely no sense.
At one time I thought that if I just didn’t have this desire that life would be so much easier; so much better. But when I actually lose the desire to dress I find that I am not happier, I just feel less complete somehow, less fulfilled. I wonder if others have had this experience, and how they coped with it. I know that eventually the desire to bring April out will return, it always does; but in the meantime, waiting for it to come back can be a long frustrating ordeal. Knowing that I have been my happiest when my crossdressing urges were their greatest (and I was actually able to fulfill those urges, at least occasionally) can be a source of frustration when the desire is not there. I have been through this a couple of times since I started dressing again, and even though I know it won’t last forever, it can still be a rather frustrating period of time.
I’ve been alone for two weeks now, because my wife has been out of town taking care of a family emergency, and I have had many opportunities to dress, but other than wearing my lacy robe some nights, I’ve really only dressed once, and then I just stayed home and did chores. First time I’ve dressed and not gone out. It was OK, but I felt a bit like I was going through the motions, not what I was hoping for. That was 10 days ago and I haven’t dressed since.
I may yet put on that lacy robe, but I’m just not really feeling it. I type away and wish fervently that the desire to be April will return sooner rather than later. I hope it’s much like they say about writing: if you don’t feel it write something anyway, eventually inspiration will come. So I keep going to the chat room, the forums and reading all the wonderful articles on the home page in hopes that something will spark the desire again. One thing I truly love about the internet is that I can still connect with the friends I have made here. And because it’s not visual I don’t need to be “on” all the time.
If I just keep my spirits up and remember that all of my life is worth living, not just when I’m April, I think that eventually the desire will come back all on it’s own; but in the meantime I’ll just keep plugging away in guy mode, and hoping against hope that some shoe sale somewhere will light that spark which will finally get me back on track.
More Articles by April (Pacific Princess)
- 6 Years On……..
- Enjoying What We DO Have
- Why Do We Do What We Do?
- Finding Your Way
- Musings on Depression….and Life
April – thank you. I am sure that a lot of us have had “the drabs" at some point where we debate whether the effort is worth it, or if the time invested could be put to something else. in the end we all circle back. You may not be dressed physically, and the desire may go away and or come back…but I am glad when you are here!
xoxo katie
Hello April, like most of the posters here [i didn’t read them all] many could empathize with you immediately. As i did. Almost from the the first paragraph i felt i was reading about MY life! The further i read , the more your words rang true to me. The way you feel mirrors exactly what i go through, and am going through now.
I understand , thanks for your article. It comes and goes for me also , I’ve tried to force myself to dress only to be frustrated at the lack of desire. I learned not to worry about it because it will return. Let me compare it this way; sometimes its like a steak dinner , makeup, nails, corset, hose heels wig jewelry and its great. Other times its like a hamburger, just skirt and heels maybe a top. Then there are times when I’m not hungry at all, don’t feel like dressing. Enjoy each stage of your life.
I am not “out" as is said. While I can do my own makeup I have for the last few years managed my joy in dressing by paying professionals to do my hair and makeup. I really love the process, especially in an open salon. There’s a bit of a thrill not knowing just how it will turn out and in surrendering to the skills of pros. And I have come out looking quite beautiful. I try to do this in other cities where no one would ever know just who that guy in that fabulous dress might be. It’s… Read more »
April, your post hit the mark. I have been dressing on and off since I was 13. I’m 68 now and the urge is stronger than ever. My wife wants no part of my femme side. My family has always come first. I love being my femme self and if things were different I would try living as a woman and see if it was right for me. Thank you for posting.
Yours Terri
Terri: I couldn’t have said it better myself. I too am 68, have a wife that knows, tolerates it but definitely doesn’t support it. Like you, family comes first–always has, but I do stop and think at times that it would be nice to have the freedom to dress when and where I please. I go through the ups and downs of dressing. Sometimes weeks will go by and other than “underdressing" (which has been the norm for 20+ years) I really have no desire to make the effort. Then, BANG, out of the blue it becomes all consuming and… Read more »
Sometimes I dress just because I have the opportunity even when the urge is not very strong or completely absent. I am dressed today because the urge is so strong I almost can’t control it. On days like today I love being dressed so much I can’t imagine not being able to do it. It makes me feel so good, well you know what it feels like. During times when the urge is not there I know it will return because it always has. I don’t worry about it and just let it happen when it happens (but it always… Read more »
Very well written article….. you expressed the ‘boredom" of losing your desire to dress so well…… and being kinda of stuck……. so well.
Vera Jane
I’ve lamented that Cis-women probably don’t go thru lessening of desire to dress- they"have to" be it working clothes, evening , or what ever presents them at the moment and situation . What gives us the freedom or restrictions and desires baffles me too.
(I have an understanding wife but she prefers I do it without her. I go shopping enfemme about once a month.
Wonderful article. And helpful comments. If I was a natural woman, I guess there would be days when I would feel like just relaxing in casual clothes and no make up. And I too sometimes feel that way. Today is one of those days. I also have business meetings. I have chosen to keep my feminine side in place with unisex outer clothing and femme underwear. So I just think of myself as a woman. This is part of being a woman. Once I have laid out some nice things on the bed to wear, in a few minutes I… Read more »
I too enjoy being totally feminine. I love doing my makeup, polishing my nails, wearing long dangly earrings and heels. My time preparing is just as rewarding as when I see myself in my mirror as a beautiful woman. I enjoy doing my makeup and am very fussy about having my nails perfectly polished. I guess it’s all part of the woman I have become. Being in a pretty dress and feeling like a woman is my greatest reward.
Janet