I’m sitting here as I try to type, staring a bit at the screen, then down at myself and what I’m wearing. I’m dressed in drab – again, and I’m trying to get up the energy to dress, but I doubt I’ll be anymore successful than I have the past couple of weeks. I’m kind of in a funk, and I’m having a bit of trouble getting out of it. All of which has me thinking a lot about desire lately, and what it is about desire that makes life more exciting, and just more worth living. Have you ever wanted to want something? Like you knew that life was better when you really desired it, irrespective of whether you actually achieved what you desired?

I have been thinking a lot about the waxing and waning of my desire to crossdress, especially since as of late I have been deep into the “waning” phase. Because I have been working 50 – 60 hour weeks for a bit now I just don’t seem to have the energy or the desire to dress, or even to express my feminine self, as I usually do. And I have noticed that it tends to make me a bit melancholy, as if something important is missing from my life. It’s actually kind of ironic to find out that something that has been the root of so many problems in my life, turns out also to be something that is vital to my well being. Who knew that simply wanting to dress and feel feminine was something I needed to be happy? Not even the actual dressing, but just the wanting, the desire to be my female self, if only briefly?

In some ways it makes absolutely no sense.

At one time I thought that if I just didn’t have this desire that life would be so much easier; so much better. But when I actually lose the desire to dress I find that I am not happier, I just feel less complete somehow, less fulfilled. I wonder if others have had this experience, and how they coped with it. I know that eventually the desire to bring April out will return, it always does; but in the meantime, waiting for it to come back can be a long frustrating ordeal. Knowing that I have been my happiest when my crossdressing urges were their greatest (and I was actually able to fulfill those urges, at least occasionally) can be a source of frustration when the desire is not there. I have been through this a couple of times since I started dressing again, and even though I know it won’t last forever, it can still be a rather frustrating period of time.

EnFemme

I’ve been alone for two weeks now, because my wife has been out of town taking care of a family emergency, and I have had many opportunities to dress, but other than wearing my lacy robe some nights, I’ve really only dressed once, and then I just stayed home and did chores. First time I’ve dressed and not gone out. It was OK, but I felt a bit like I was going through the motions, not what I was hoping for. That was 10 days ago and I haven’t dressed since.

I may yet put on that lacy robe, but I’m just not really feeling it. I type away and wish fervently that the desire to be April will return sooner rather than later. I hope it’s much like they say about writing: if you don’t feel it write something anyway, eventually inspiration will come. So I keep going to the chat room, the forums and reading all the wonderful articles on the home page in hopes that something will spark the desire again. One thing I truly love about the internet is that I can still connect with the friends I have made here. And because it’s not visual I don’t need to be “on” all the time.

If I just keep my spirits up and remember that all of my life is worth living, not just when I’m April, I think that eventually the desire will come back all on it’s own; but in the meantime I’ll just keep plugging away in guy mode, and hoping against hope that some shoe sale somewhere will light that spark which will finally get me back on track.

EnFemme

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Janedon' class='avatar avatar-64 photo' height='64' width='64' />
Janedon
7 years ago

I sleep in nities/wear women pants to work & am partially dressed fem almost all the time at home—So–I guess the desire never leaves me—When I have free time I love to get completely dolled up-

Gail
Lady
Member
7 years ago
Reply to  Janedon

April I have gone through alot of Purgers. My latest one was 8 years ago when I had a heart attack. Fearing my death and my “Stash" being discovered by my family, I got rid of some of the prettiest, Feminine clothes you could imagine. I had a pair of Silicone Breast forms that cost $200.00 and they felt Great and I adored the Bounce when I walked and depending what Bra I was wearing, the nipples and areola were visible through my blouse. Anyway, my desires to dress had to be suppressed, but at times almost impossible to endure.… Read more »

Leonara
Ambassador
Trusted Member
7 years ago

Hi April, Thank you for sharing your thoughts in your article. For me absence makes “the desire" grow fonder. I only dress when the opportunity presents itself when my wife is away with friends. When Leonara time comes , as you mentioned in your ptrofile I “love to go all out". Is April on hold?? And you may desire to purge.. Forums have mentioned to put them in storage …. Desire may come back… It worked for me..especially the lady behind the dry cleaning counter complemented on my “wife’s" pretty dresses! I replied , I picked them out myself. I… Read more »

Janine' class='avatar avatar-64 photo' height='64' width='64' />
Janine
7 years ago

Hi April I know exactly what you are taking about when you say that you just don’t have the desire to become April as much as you used to. I also have to agree with the way that you said about a shoe sale maybe lighting the spark to become April again. Honey it’s still there and finding a way to light the fire is what you need to do. For me it was buying some really sexy panties and wanting to see how I looked wearing them. Since you mentioned shoes that might be just the thing that you… Read more »

Amanda Patrick
Member
7 years ago

Hi April, Wow what an article. It really hit home with the way I am feeling right now. I am over analyzing my non desire to dress to the point of stress. it just came back for me really strong after dormancy for many years. so when the desire wanes for awhile I find my self thinking is it gone again for along time? I would not want that now in my life. Judging by some of the responses to your post I just need to not over analyze and just flow with it because it will definitely come back.… Read more »

Maria Young
Member
Maria Young
7 years ago

Hi April I’m not sure but maybe your pressuring yourself too much or your just too plain tired which sounds likely when I was working full time and going to school I was so tired I couldn’t even think at times the desire will return I’m sure you know that it’s always in there somewhere I think if only in our dreams stress might also be getting in the way or guilt that persistent feeling that your doing something wrong I have days at times when I just don’t feel like dressing it bugs me I know I feel more… Read more »

wayne' class='avatar avatar-64 photo' height='64' width='64' />
wayne
7 years ago

From your picture, it looks like you have boobs, which is more than I have. I have really long hair & I wear slips all the time, so Im always partly dressed. My wife even bought me some slips as hers were too big for me, but she wont let me wear skirts out of the house which is a disappointment. I am onle shy to wear dresses in front of people I know, as I did wear dresses when I went out of town several times without embarrassment, so I know what I can be comfortable in wearing. Esther

Penny Diamond
Lady
7 years ago

Hi April,

I know how you feel. I only really dress once or twice a month, sometimes getting out, sometimes just dressing up at home. I’ve found that the more I do dress, the more I want to, but if I have gone a longish period of not dressing, say a couple of months, I find that i can’t be bothered and have to push myself to dress as I know deep down I really want to!?

Hugs

Penny x

stephanie
stephanie
7 years ago

Hello April. Just be yourself and do not get hung up about dressing.For many years I kept it a secret but now I dress all the time and visitors to my home accept me for who I am.So put on your best clothes and wow the world.i have gone through all you write about.Be brave,go for it.Go shopping even………Stephanie

Peta' class='avatar avatar-64 photo' height='64' width='64' />
Peta
7 years ago

Hello April I too know what you mean about not wanting to be April sometimes .I used to get like that and throw all my lovely clothes away .Wish I had never done that I had a pair of lovely French bras and I miss them now .I am going to buy two pairs of stockings next week a white pair and a natural tone to wear with suspenders my wife is coming with me ,she knows I crossdress and sometimes gives me a camisole she does not want and I grab it and wear it all week I do… Read more »

ABCDEF
ABCDEF
7 years ago

Hi
i am a crossdressing and i need to wear a beautiful collar dresses to feel or to show myself as a girl and how to wear this dresses as well as how to go outside in public
please help me
Thanks

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