It all started when I was conceived. My mother had two older sons and this time she wanted a girl. My mother’s energy was surrounding me and forming my spirit while in her womb. Later in life, I will come to realize that this was one of the greatest gifts that I could receive. Well, as you guessed it, I was born with a boy’s body. That was 1960. My poor mother had been traumatized as a child and she would suffer depression the rest of her life. When I was little, her depression scared me and learned to be in tune to her emotions. My father was emotionally distant and often worked 2 jobs, so he was hardly ever home. When he was home, he was not nurturing. His parenting style was criticism and shaming. I feel like I never bonded with him. My brothers were much older than I was. There was this manly mentality of being a tough guy in our home – play football and never show your emotions.
I remember finding adult magazines as I was growing up. I would keep them if I could and hide them. I was in awe of the ladies in these magazines. I remember wanting to be just like them. My father would get catalogs from Frederick’s of Hollywood. I remember thinking how awesome it would be to look good in their lingerie! Then puberty started and the night time dreams started. I would have dreams that I was a teen girl and I was having intercourse with a guy. I felt shame that there was something wrong with me, but then part of me liked the dreams. I could never tell anyone about my dreams. I played football and lifted weights to live that tough guy image. My older brothers often reminded me that I wasn’t as tough as they were. This all fueled an inner conflict, or inner war as I call it. My self-esteem would suffer and I would feel not good enough for a very long time. I didn’t really date as a teen. Everyone said that I was just shy. Such a simple word for a very complex inner issue.
Fast forward, after college, career, marriage and raising a family I decided to go back to counseling, not because things were bad, but to try and make the most of my life. I started meditating and listening to self-hypnosis recordings. This all seemed to come together for a perfect storm this last February. This time a good storm. I felt like it was a spiritual awakening and re-birth of my inner female. I came out again to my wife, who is still accepting and supportive. I started shaving my legs, wearing polish on my toenails, wearing lipstick and trying makeup. I started taking hops extract which has amazing feminizing effects. These last few months have been quite the ride!
The self-hypnosis recording had a big effect on me. I have a recording called Self Love. It helps you gain self-love and acceptance of who you are. Here I am, almost 60 years old and I can say this is who I am, there is no going back! I read some material by Lisa Romano who is a “breakthrough coach.” She has a wonderful website and I joined for a while. She has some wonderful meditations that you can download for healing old emotional wounds. There is a meditation I loved that helped me get over not feeling good enough.
It is amazing how different my life feels when I accept my feminine spirit. The gift my mother gave me. The happiness, joy, lightness in my life. The want to nurture and be close to others. This is not about the feeling of soft clothes of cross dressing. This is about being a woman.
Even though my mom has been gone for a long time, I had been carrying some old wounds of dealing with her depression while growing up. Since I have accepted who I am and allowed my feminine spirit to come out and live fully, I have found it very easy to forgive my mother. The old wounds melted away! This has been a very great benefit of this unfolding.
I wanted this article to be about healing. I often think most of us are here to heal. Often, we are suffering from guilt and shame. We don’t feel like we are living our life purpose. I believe if you find the right combination, you can heal and unfold into a purposeful life. For me it was a combination of counseling, self-hypnosis, meditation and self-reflection. Even if we can’t transition, we can accept and love ourselves. We can let go of guilt and shame. We can be kind to ourselves and others. We can nurture ourselves. We can love our body. There is nothing wrong with us. We are good enough and always have been good enough.
- Have you ever wrestled with feelings of guilt or shame associated with cross dressing or being a trans girl?
- What do you think your purpose of life is right now or in the near future?
- Did either of your parents have an extremely negative or positive effect on your life early as a child, later on as an adult or both?
- Please take your time to either respond to my article or reply to one or more questions I’ve posed to you above!
Thank you for taking the time to read my article and my wish for all of you is to be able to let go of any guilt or shame you may be currently experiencing and find a way to totally heal and be happy with who you really are!