It all started when I was conceived. My mother had two older sons and this time she wanted a girl. My mother’s energy was surrounding me and forming my spirit while in her womb. Later in life, I will come to realize that this was one of the greatest gifts that I could receive. Well, as you guessed it, I was born with a boy’s body. That was 1960. My poor mother had been traumatized as a child and she would suffer depression the rest of her life. When I was little, her depression scared me and learned to be in tune to her emotions. My father was emotionally distant and often worked 2 jobs, so he was hardly ever home. When he was home, he was not nurturing. His parenting style was criticism and shaming. I feel like I never bonded with him. My brothers were much older than I was. There was this manly mentality of being a tough guy in our home – play football and never show your emotions.

I remember finding adult magazines as I was growing up. I would keep them if I could and hide them. I was in awe of the ladies in these magazines. I remember wanting to be just like them. My father would get catalogs from Frederick’s of Hollywood. I remember thinking how awesome it would be to look good in their lingerie!  Then puberty started and the night time dreams started. I would have dreams that I was a teen girl and I was having intercourse with a guy. I felt shame that there was something wrong with me, but then part of me liked the dreams. I could never tell anyone about my dreams. I played football and lifted weights to live that tough guy image. My older brothers often reminded me that I wasn’t as tough as they were. This all fueled an inner conflict, or inner war as I call it. My self-esteem would suffer and I would feel not good enough for a very long time. I didn’t really date as a teen. Everyone said that I was just shy. Such a simple word for a very complex inner issue.

Fast forward, after college, career, marriage and raising a family I decided to go back to counseling, not because things were bad, but to try and make the most of my life. I started meditating and listening to self-hypnosis recordings. This all seemed to come together for a perfect storm this last February. This time a good storm. I felt like it was a spiritual awakening and re-birth of my inner female. I came out again to my wife, who is still accepting and supportive. I started shaving my legs, wearing polish on my toenails, wearing lipstick and trying makeup. I started taking hops extract which has amazing feminizing effects. These last few months have been quite the ride!

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The self-hypnosis recording had a big effect on me. I have a recording called Self Love. It helps you gain self-love and acceptance of who you are. Here I am, almost 60 years old and I can say this is who I am, there is no going back! I read some material by Lisa Romano who is a “breakthrough coach.” She has a wonderful website and I joined for a while. She has some wonderful meditations that you can download for healing old emotional wounds. There is a meditation I loved that helped me get over not feeling good enough.

It is amazing how different my life feels when I accept my feminine spirit. The gift my mother gave me. The happiness, joy, lightness in my life. The want to nurture and be close to others. This is not about the feeling of soft clothes of cross dressing. This is about being a woman.

Even though my mom has been gone for a long time, I had been carrying some old wounds of dealing with her depression while growing up. Since I have accepted who I am and allowed my feminine spirit to come out and live fully, I have found it very easy to forgive my mother. The old wounds melted away! This has been a very great benefit of this unfolding.

I wanted this article to be about healing. I often think most of us are here to heal. Often, we are suffering from guilt and shame. We don’t feel like we are living our life purpose. I believe if you find the right combination, you can heal and unfold into a purposeful life. For me it was a combination of counseling, self-hypnosis, meditation and self-reflection. Even if we can’t transition, we can accept and love ourselves. We can let go of guilt and shame. We can be kind to ourselves and others.  We can nurture ourselves. We can love our body. There is nothing wrong with us. We are good enough and always have been good enough.

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  • Have you ever wrestled with feelings of guilt or shame associated with cross dressing or being a trans girl?
  • What do you think your purpose of life is right now or in the near future?
  • Did either of your parents have an extremely negative or positive effect on your life early as a child, later on as an adult or both?
  • Please take your time to either respond to my article or reply to one or more questions I’ve posed to you above!

Thank you for taking the time to read my article and my wish for all of you is to be able to let go of any guilt or shame you may be currently experiencing and find a way to totally heal and be happy with who you really are!

Sincerely, Kay

 

 

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Kay Anderson

I have wanted to be a girl as long as I can remember. Trying to live the male role all my life, and suppressing my feminine feelings. I have come to finally accept who I am and allow my feminine spirit to thrive. I enjoy exercising, hiking, being outdoors. I can be very shy.

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Amy Myers
Baroness
Trusted Member
Amy Myers (@amylove2dress)
3 months ago

Kay; That is a wonderful and well written article, and thank you for sharing. I’ll try to answer some of your questions. I certainly had guilt and shame associated with dressing up, though it was self imposed, not from my parents, or another person, society in general. Just the belief at the time that “boys aren’t supposed to do that”, I’m just a bit older, born in ’53. I was caught by my Mother a couple of times with her clothes, but she didn’t make a big deal out of it. She also very much wanted a daughter, but I… Read more »

Olivia Livin
Active Member
Olivia Livin (@ohlivialivin)
3 months ago

Thank you Kay, for letting us see a little more of who you are and giving thoughts for some on how to go about trying to heal. Being whole within ourselves can change our outlook on the people and things around us. Its a wonderful article.

skippy1965 Cynthia
Ambassador
Trusted Member
skippy1965 Cynthia (@skippy1965)
3 months ago

Thanks for sharing your inspiring story, Kay!
Cyn

Stacy Wolf
Member
Stacy Wolf (@stacy57)
3 months ago

Your story is inspiring and I’m very happy for you

Stephanie Kennedy
Princess
Active Member
Stephanie Kennedy (@qtestephy)
3 months ago

hi Kay I really enjoyed reading your article Like you I have always felt that i wanted to be a girl my whole life. I also had to forgive my mother for some thing she had did that began my life with guilt and shame. She wanted a boy and made sure that boy understood what boys dressed like and acted like. She found me wearing my sisters clothes. she told me in no uncertain terms that only sissy boys wore girls clothes at the time i did not know what a sissy boy was but she made it clear… Read more »

franne tran
Member
franne tran (@franne)
1 month ago

Hi Kay, I really enjoyed your article. It hit home about when you were growing up. I had a lot of the same feelings trying to be strong, but my feelings didn’t match. I dressed up and enjoyed it so much and then afterwards felt so ashamed. That is how things have went most of my life. I even found my wife and I thought that would change things of course it didn’t. I have finally accepted my feelings of gentleness, softness and enjoying the feminine part of my life. Where do you find the self hypnosis recording about accepting… Read more »

Caseymae Nevertolate
Caseymae Nevertolate (@watchdog)
1 month ago

Wonderful story Kate. My dysphoria at this time is out of control. The depression I’m dealing with every day is also out of control. My only choice at this point is to walk away and start fresh else where. Maybe meditation could at least help me cope better day to day.

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